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“ Usesure you
ance, and with the utmost impatience are but paltry to a Chinese; but as they expected an interview. I will not deny, are useful utensils, it is proper they should my dear Fum Hoam, but that my vanity have a place in every apartment. was raised at such an invitation: I flat- ful, sir!” replied the lady; tered myself that she had seen me in some mistake; they are of no use in the world.' public place, and had conceived an affection —“What! are they not filled with an infor my person, which thus induced her to fusion of tea, as in China?” replied I. deviate from the usual decorums of the “Quite empty and useless, upon my honour, sex. My imagination painted her in all sir.”—“Then they are the most cumbrous the bloom of youth and beauty. I fancied and clumsy furniture in the world, as noher attended by the Loves and Graces ; thing is truly elegant but what unites use and I set out with the most pleasing expec- with beauty.' I protest,” says the lady, tations of seeing the conquest I had made. “I shall begin to suspect thee of being an
When I was introduced into her apart- actual barbarian. I suppose you hold ment, my expectations were quickly at an my two beautiful pagods in contempt.' end : I perceived a little shrivelled figure -“What!” cried I, “has Fohi spread his indolently reclined on a sofa, who nodded, gross superstitions here also! Pagods of by way of approbation, at my approach. all kinds are my aversion.". A Chinese, This, as I was afterwards informed, was a traveller, and want taste! It surprises the lady herself, -a woman equally dis- me. Pray, sir, examine the beauties of tinguished for rank, politeness, taste, and that Chinese temple which you see at the understanding. As I was dressed after the end of the garden. Is there anything in fashion of Europe, she had taken me for China more beautiful?”—“Where I stand, an Englishman, and consequently saluted I see nothing, madam, at the end of the me in her ordinary manner: but when the garden, that may not as well be called an footman informed her grace that I was the Egyptian pyramid as a Chinese temple; gentleman from China, she instantly lifted for that little building in view is as like the herself from the couch, while her eyes one as t'other.”_“ What, sir! is not that sparkled with unusual vivacity. “Bless a Chinese temple? you must surely be me! can this be the gentleman that was mistaken. Mr. Freeze, who designed it, born so far from home? What an unusual calls it one, and nobody disputes his preshare of somethingness in his whole appear- tensions to taste.”. I now found it vain to ance! Lord, how I am charmed with the contradict the lady in anything she thought outlandish cut of his face ! how bewitching fit to advance; so was resolved rather to the exotic breadth of his forehead ! I act the disciple than the instructor. She would give the world to see him in his own took me through several rooms, all furcountry dress. Pray, turn about, sir, and nished, as she told me, in the Chinese manlet me see you behind. There, there's a ner; sprawling dragons, squatting pagods, travelled air for you! You that attend and clumsy mandarines were stuck upon there, bring up a plate of beef cut into small every shelf: in turning round, one must pieces; I have a violent passion to see him have used caution not to demolish a part eat. Pray, sir, have you got your chop- of the precarious furniture. sticks about you? It will be so pretty to In a house like this, thought I, one see the meat carried to the mouth with must live continually upon the watch; the a jerk. Pray, speak a little Chinese: I inhabitant must resemble a knight in an have learned some of the language myself. enchanted castle, who expects to meet Lord ! have you nothing pretty from China an adventure at every turning. But, about you ; something that one does not madam," said I, “ do not accidents ever know what to do with? ve got twenty happen to all this finery?”—“Man, sir,” things from China that are of no use in the replied the lady, “is born to misfortunes; world. Look at those jars; they are of and it is but fit I should have a share. the right pea-green : these are the furni- Three weeks ago, a careless servant ture !!!
Dear madam,” said I, “ these, snapped off the head of a favourite man. though they may appear fine in your eyes, ( darine: I had scarce done grieving for that,
when a monkey broke a beautiful jar; this guilty meal. Hail, O ye simple, honest I took the more to heart, as the injury was brahmins of the East ! ye inoffensive done me by a friend ! However, I sur friends of all that were born to happiness yived the calamity; when yesterday crash as well as you! You never sought a shortwent half a dozen dragons upon the marble lived pleasure from the miseries of other hearthstone: and yet I live; I survive it creatures! You never studied the torall : you can't conceive what comfort I find inenting arts of ingenious refinement; you under afflictions from philosophy. There never surfeited upon a guilty meal! How is Seneca, and Bolingbroke, and some much more purified and refined are all others, who guide me through life, and your sensations than ours! You distinguish teach me to support its calamities." every element with the utmost precision : could not but smile at a woman who makes a stream untasted before is a new luxury, a her own misfortunes, and then deplores the change of air is a new banquet, too refined miseries of her situation. Wherefore, tired for Western imaginations to conceive. of acting with dissimulation, and willing Though the Europeans do not hold the to indulge my meditations in solitude, I transmigration of souls, yet one of their took leave just as the servant was bringing doctors has, with great force of argument in a plate of beef, pursuant to the directions and great plausibility of reasoning, enof his mistress.-Adieu.
deavoured to prove that the bodies of
animals are the habitations of demons and LETTER XV.
wicked spirits, which are obliged to reside
in these prisons till the resurrection proTo the same.
nounces their everlasting punishment; but The better sort here pretend to the utmost are previously condemned to suffer all the compassion for animals of every kind : to pains and hardships inflicted upon them hear them speak, a stranger would be apt by man, or by each other, here. If this to imagine they could hardly hurt the gnat be the case, it may frequently happen, that stung them; they seem so tender, and that while we whip pigs to death, or boil so full of pity, that one would take them live lobsters, we are putting some old acfor the harmless friends of the whole crea- quaintance, some near relation, to excrution, the protectors of the meanest insect or ciating tortures, and are serving him up reptile that was privileged with existence. to the very same table where he was once And yet (would you believe it?) I have the most welcome companion. seen the very men who have thus boasted
“Kabul,” says the Zendavesta, of their tenderness, at the same time de. born on the rushy banks of the river vouring the flesh of six different animals Mawra; his possessions were great, and tossed up in a fricassee. Strange con- his luxuries kept pace with the affluence trariety of conduct! they pity, and they of his fortune; he hated the harmless braheat the objects of their compassion! The mins, and despised their holy religion ; lion roars with terror over its captive; the every day his table was decked out with tiger sends forth its hideous shriek to in the flesh of an hundred different animals, timidate its prey; no creature shows any and his cooks had an hundred different fondness for its short-lived prisoner, except ways of dressing it, to solicit even satiety; a man and a cat.
Notwithstanding all his eating, he did Man was born to live with innocence not arrive at old age; he died of a surfeit and simplicity, but he has deviated from caused by intemperance: upon this his soul nature; he was born to share the bounties was carried off, in order to take its trial of Heaven, but he has monopolized them; before a select assembly of the souls of he was born to govern the brute creation, those animals which his gluttony had but he is become their tyrant. If an epi- caused to be slain, and who were now cure now shall happen to surfeit on his last appointed his judges. night's feast, twenty animals the next day He trembled before a tribunal, to every are to undergo the most exquisite tortures, member of which he had formerly acted in order to provoke his appetite to another as an unmercisul tyrant: he sought for
pity, but found none disposed to grant it. England, however, they plainly prove him
Does he not remember,' cries the angry to be a whore in man's clothes, and often boar, “to what agonies I was put, not to burn him in effigy as an impostor. A satisfy his hunger, but his vanity? I was thousand books have been written on first hunted to death, and my flesh scarce either side of the question: priests are thought worthy of coming once to his table. eternally disputing against each other; Were my advice followed, he should do and those mouths that want argument are penance in the shape of an hog, which in filled with abuse. Which party must I life he most resembled.”
believe? or shall I give credit to neither? “I am rather,' cries a sheep upon the When I survey the absurdities and falsebench, ‘for having him suffer under the hoods with which the books of the appearance of a lamb; we may then send Europeans are filled, I thank Heaven for him through four or five transmigrations having been born in China, and that I in the space of a month.'— Were my voice have sagacity enough to detect imposture. of any weight in the assembly,' cries a calf, The Europeans reproach us with false he should rather assume such a form as history and fabulous chronology : how mine; I was bled every day, in order to should they blush to see their own books, make my flesh white, and at last killed many of which are written by the doctors without mercy.'—'Would it not be wiser,' of their religion, filled with the most moncries a hen, 'to cram him in the shape of strous fables, and attested with the utmost a fowl, and then smother him in his own solemnity! The bounds of a letter do not blood, as I was served ?' The majority of permit me to mention all the absurdities the assembly were pleased with this pun- of this kind which, in my reading, I have ishment, and were going to condemn him met with. I shall confine myself to the without further delay, when the ox rose up accounts which some of their lettered men to give his opinion, — I am informed,' says give of the persons of some of the inhabit. this counsellor, 'that the prisoner at the ants on our globe : and, not satisfied with bar has left a wife with child behind him. the most solemn asseverations, they someBy my knowledge in divination, I foresee times pretend to have been eye-witnesses that this child will be a son, decrepit, of what they describe. feeble, sickly, a plague to himself and all A Christian doctor, in one of his prinabout him. What say you, then, my com cipal performances, says, that it was not panions, if we condemn the father to ani- impossible for a whole nation to have but mate the body of his own son; and by this one eye in the middle of the forehead. means make him feel in himself those He is not satisfied with leaving it in doubt; miseries his intemperance must otherwise but, in another work, assures us, that the have entailed upon his posterity?' The fact was certain, and that he himself was whole court applauded the ingenuity of his an eye-witness of it. When,” says he, torture: they thanked him for his advice. “I took a journey into Ethiopia, in comKabul was driven once more to revisit the pany with several other servants of Christ, earth; and his soul, in the body of his own in order to preach the Gospel, there I son, passed a period of thirty years, loaded beheld, in the southern provinces of that with misery, anxiety, and disease." country, a nation which had only one eye
in the midst of their foreheads."
You will no doubt be surprised, reverLETTER XVI.
end Fum, with this author's effrontery; To the same.
but, alas ! he is not alone in this story I KNOW not whether I am more obliged he has only borrowed it from several to the Chinese missionaries for the instruc-others who wrote before him. Solinus tion I have received from them, or preju- creates another nation of Cyclops, the Ari. diced by the falsehoods they have made maspians, who inhabit those countries that me believe. By them I was told that the border on the Caspian Sea. This author Pope was universally allowed to be a man, goes on to tell us of a people of India and placed at the head of the church ; in who have but one leg and one eye, and yet are extremely active, run with great upon us something that we wanted before. swiftness, and live by hunting. These Simon Mayole seems our particular friend people we scarce know how to pity or in this respect; if he has denied heads to admire: but the men whom Pliny calls one part of mankind, he has given tails to Cynamolci, who have got the heads of another. He describes many of the Eng. dogs, really deserve our compassion : in- lish of his time, which is more than an stead of language, they express their sen- hundred years ago, as having tails. His timents by barking. Solinus confirms what own words are as follow : "In England Pliny mentions; and Simon Mayole, a there are some families which have tails, French bishop, talks of them as of parti- as a punishment for deriding an Augustin cular and familiar acquaintances. “After friar sent by St. Gregory, and who preached passing the deserts of Egypt,” says he, in Dorsetshire. They sewed the tails of
we met with the Kunokephaloi, who different animals to his clothes ; but soon inhabit those regions that border on Ethi- they found those tails entailed upon them opia: they live by hunting; they cannot and their posterity for ever.
It is cerspeak, but whistle; their chins resemble a tain that the author had some ground for serpent's head; their hands are armed this description. Many of the English with long sharp claws; their breast resem- wear tails to their wigs to this very day; bles that of a greyhound; and they excel in as a mark, I suppose, of the antiquity of swiftness and agility.” Would you think their families, and perhaps as a symbol of it, my friend, that these odd kind of people those tails with which they were formerly are, notwithstanding their figure, exces. distinguished by nature. sively delicate ? not even an alderman's You see, my friend, there is nothing so wife, or Chinese mandarine, can excel them ridiculous that has not at some time been in this particular. "These people,” con- said by some philosopher. The writers tinues our faithful bishop, “never refuse of books in Europe seem to think themwine; love roast and boiled meat: they are selves authorized to say what they please; particularly curious in having their meat and an ingenious philosopher among them well dressed, and spurn at it if in the least has openly asserted, that he would undertainted.” “When the Ptolemies reigned take to persuade the whole republic of in Egypt,” says he, a little farther on, readers to believe, that the sun was nei. “these men with dogs' heads taught gram- ther the cause of light nor heat, if he mar and music.” For men who had no could only get six philosophers on his voices to teach music, and who could not side.-Farewell. speak, to teach grammar, is, I confess, a little extraordinary. Did ever the dis
LETTER XVII. ciples of Fohi broach anything more ridiculous?
To the same. Hitherto we have seen men with heads WERE an Asiatic politician to read the strangely deformed, and with dogs' heads; treaties of peace and friendship that have but what would you say if you heard of been annually making for more than an men without any heads at all ? Pompo hundred years among the inhabitants of nius Mela, Solinus, and Aulus Gellius Europe, he would probably be surprised describe them to our hand : “The Blemiæ ' how it should ever happen that Christian have a nose, eyes, and mouth on their princes could quarrel among each other. breast; or, as others will have it, placed Their compacts for peace are drawn up on their shoulders."
with the utmost precision, and ratified One would think that these authors had with the greatest solemnity: to these each an antipathy to the human form, and were party promises a sincere and inviolable resolved to make a new figure of their obedience, and all wears the appearance own; but let us do them justice. Though of open friendship and unreserved reconthey sometimes deprive us of a leg, an ciliation. arm, a head, or some such trifling part Yet, notwithstanding those treaties, the of the body, they often as liberally bestow people of Europe are almost continually
There is nothing more easy than jects of England, in order to have the to break a treaty ratified in all the usual people supplied with proper quantities of forms, and yet neither party be the ag- this necessary commodity. gressor. One side, for instance, breaks a So very reasonable a request was immetrifling article by mistake ; the opposite diately complied with, and large colonies party, upon this, makes a small but pre- were sent abroad to procure furs, and take meditated reprisal; this brings on a return possession. The French, who were equally of greater from the other; both sides com- in want of furs, (for they were as fond of plain of injuries and infractions; war is muffs and tippets as the English,) made declared ; they beat -- are beaten ; some the very same request to their monarch, two or three hundred thousand men are and met with the same gracious reception killed; they grow tired; leave off just from their king, who generously granted where they began; and so sit coolly down what was not his to give. Wherever the to make new treaties.
French landed, they called the country The English and French seem to place their own; and the English took possesthemselves foremost among the champion sion wherever they came, upon the same states of Europe. Though parted by a equitable pretensions. The harmless sanarrow sea, yet are they entirely of oppo- vages made no opposition ; and, could the site characters; and, from their vicinity, intruders have agreed together, they might are taught to fear and admire each other. peaceably have shared this desolate counThey are at present engaged in a very try between them ; but they quarrelled destructive war, have already spilled much about the boundaries of their settlements, blood, are excessively irritated, and all about grounds and rivers to which neither upon account of one side's desiring to side could show any other right than that wear greater quantities of furs than the of power, and which neither could occupy other.
but by usurpation. Such is the contest, The pretext of the war is about some that no honest man can heartily wish suclands a thousand leagues off, —
-a country cess to either party. cold, desolate, and hideous-a country The war has continued for some time belonging to a people who were in posses- with various success. At first the French sion for time immemorial. The savages seemed victorious ; but the English have of Canada claim a property in the country of late dispossessed them of the whole in dispute ; they have all the pretensions country in dispute. Think not, however, which long possession can confer. Here that success on one side is the harbinger they had reigned for ages without rivals of peace; on the contrary, both parties in dominion, and knew no enemies but must be heartily tired, to effect even a the prowling bear or insidious tiger ; temporary reconciliation. It should seem their native forests produced all the ne- the business of the victorious party to cessaries of life, and they found ample offer terms of peace : but there are many luxury in the enjoyment. In this manner in England who, encouraged by success, they might have continued to live to eter- are for still protracting the war. nity, had not the English been informed The best English politicians, however, that those countries produced furs in great are sensible, that to keep their present abundance. From that moment the coun- conquests would be rather a burden than try became an object of desire : it was an advantage to them; rather a diminufound that furs were things very much tion of their strength than an increase of wanted in England; the ladies edged some power. It is in the politic as in the huof their clothes with furs, and muffs were man constitution : if the limbs grow too worn both by gentlemen and ladies. In large for the body, their size, instead of short, furs were found indispensably ne- improving, will diminish the vigour of the cessary for the happiness of the state; and whole. The colonies should always bear the king was consequently petitioned to an exact proportion to the mother coungrant, not only the country of Canada, but try : when they grow populous, they grow all the savages belonging to it, to the sub- | powerful, and, by becoming powerful, they