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DAVID GARRICK, ESQ.
Enter Mr. WOODWARD,' dressed in black, and holding a handkerchief to his eyes.
Excuse me, sirs, I pray-I can't yet speak-
i Woodward (who ha no part
the play) was a good actor. He died 17th April, 1777. There is a clever full-length engraving of him by M'Ardell, as the Fine Gentleman, in “Lethe;" also a good half-length of him by J. R. Smith, as Petruchio. His portrait by Sir Joshua is at Petworth.
With a sententious look that nothing means
I give it up--morals won't do for me; To make you laugh, I must play tragedy. One hope remains-hearing the maid was ill, A Doctor comes this night to show his skill. To cheer her heart, and give your muscles motion, He, in Five Draughts prepar’d, presents a potion, A kind of magic charm; for be assur'd, If you will swallow it, the maid is cur'd: But desperate the Doctor, and her case is, If you reject the dose and make wry faces ! This truth he boasts, will boast it while he lives, No poisonous drugs are mix'd in what he gives. Should he succeed, you'll give him his degree; If not, within he will receive no fee! The College you, must his pretensions back, Pronounce him Regular, or dub hiin Quack.
SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER;
THE MISTAKES OF A NIGHT.
AOT THE FIRST.
SCENE-A Chamber in an old-fashioned House.
Enter Mrs. HARDCASTLE and MR, HARDCASTLE. Mrs. Hard. I vow, Mr. Hardcastle, you're very particular. Is there a creature in the whole country but ourselves that does not take a trip to town now and then, to rub off the rust a little? There's the two Miss Hoggs, and our neighbor Mrs. Grigsby, go to take a month's polishing every winter.
Hard. Ay, and bring back vanity and affectation to last them the whole year. I wonder why London cannot keep its own fools at home! In my time, the follies of the town crept slowly among us, but now they travel faster than a stagecoach. Its fopperies come down not only as inside passengers, but in the very basket.
Mrs. Hard. Ay, your times were fine times indeed; you have been telling us of them for many a long year. Here we live in an old rumbling mansion, that looks for all the world like an inn, but that we never see company. Our best visitors are old Mrs. Oddfish, the curate's wife, and little Cripplegate, the lame dancing-master; and all our entertainment your old stories of Prince Eugene and the Duke of Marlborough. I hate such old-fashioned trumpery.
Hard. And I love it. I love everything that's old: old friends, old times, old manners, old books, old wine; and I believe, Dorothy (taking her hand), you'll own I have been pretty fond of an old wife.
Mrs. Hard. Lord, Mr. Hardcastle, you're forever at your Dorothys and your old wifes. You may be a Darby, but I'll be no Joan, I promise you. I'm not so old as you'd make me, by more than one good year. Add twenty to twenty, and make money of that.
Hard. Let me see; twenty added to twenty makes just fifty and seven.
Mrs. Hard. It's false, Mr. Hardcastle; I was but twenty when I was brought to bed of Tony, that I had by Mr. Lumpkin, my first husband; and he's not come to years of discre
Hard. Nor ever will, I dare answer for him. Ay, you
have taught him finely.
Mrs. Ilard. No matter. Tony Lumpkin has a good fortune. My son is not to live by his learning. I don't think a boy wants much learning to spend fifteen hundred a year.
Hard. Learning, quotha! a mere composition of tricks and mischief.
Mrs. Hard. Humor, my dear; nothing but humor. Come, Mr. Hardcastle, you must allow the boy a little humor.
Hard. I'd sooner allow him a horse-pond. If burning the footmen's shoes, frighting the maids, and worrying the kittens be humor, he has it. It was but yesterday he fastened my wig to the back of my chair, and when I went to make a bow, I popped my bald head in Mrs. Frizzle's face.'
Mrs. Hard. And am I to blame? The poor boy was always too sickly to do any good. A school would be his death. When he comes to be a little stronger, who knows what a year or two's Latin may do for him?
Hard. Latin for him! A cat and fiddle. No, no; the alehouse and the stable are the only schools he'll ever go to.
Mrs. Ilard. Well, we must not snub the poor boy now, for I believe we sha’n't have him long among us. Anybody that looks in his face may see he's consumptive.
* This incident was but the counterpart of a trick played upon himself, during his last visit to Gosfield, by the daughter of Lord Clare.
llard. Ay, if growing too fat be one of the symptoms.
Hard. And, truly, so am I; for he sometimes whoops like a speaking-trumpet. (Tony hallooing behind the scenes.) Oh, there he goes—a very consuinptive figure, truly.
Enter Tony, crossing the stage. Mrs. Hard. Tony, where are you going, my charmer? Won't you give papa and I a little of your company, lovee?
Tony. I'm in haste, mother; I cannot stay.
Mrs. Hard. You sha’n’t venture out this raw evening, my dear; you look most shockingly.
Tony. I can't stay, I tell you. The Three Pigeons expects me down every moment. There's some fun going forward.
Hard. Ay; the alehouse, the old place; I thought so.
Tony. Not so low, neither. There's Dick Muggins, the exciseman; Jack Slang, the horse-doctor; little Aminadab, that grinds the music-box; and Tom Twist, that spins the pewter platter.
Mrs. Hard. Pray, my dear, disappoint them for one night, at least.
Tony. As for disappointing them, I should not so much mind; but I can't abide to disappoint myself.
Mrs. Hard. (Detaining him.) You sha'n't go.
[Exit, hauling her out. Hard. (Solus.) Ay, there goes a pair that only spoil each other. But is not the whole age in a combination to drive sense and discretion out-of-doors? There's my pretty darling Kate; the fashions of the times have almost infected her, too.