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kin' o' way.
Ware mill-sites filled the country up ez One piece o' propaty along, an' thet 's the
' thick ez you could cram 'em,
shakin' fever; An' desput rivers run about a beggin' folks It's reggilar employment, though, an' thet to dam 'em;
aint thought to harm one, Then there were meetinhouses, tu, chockful Nor 't aint so tiresome ez it wuz with o'gold an' silver
t'other leg an' arm on; Thet you could take, an' no one could n't An' it 's a consolation, tu, although it doos hand
ye in no bill fer;Thet 's wut I thought afore I went, thet 's To hev it said you're some gret shakes in wut them fellers told us
any Thet stayed to hum au' speechified an' to 'T worn't very long, I tell ye wut, I thought the buzzards sold us;
o'fortin-makin', I thought thet gold-mines could be gut One day a reg'lar shiver-de-freeze, an’ next cheaper than Chiny asters,
ez good ez bakin', An' see myself acomin' back like sixty Ja- One day abrilin' in the sand, then smoth'rin' cob Astors;
in the mashes, But sech idees soon melted down an’did n't Git up all sound, be put to bed a mess o' leave a grease-spot;
hacks an' smashes. I vow my holl sheer o' the spiles would n't But then, thinks I, at any rate there's glory come nigh a V spot;
to be hed, Although, most anywares we've ben, you Thet 's an investment, arter all, thet may n't need n't break no locks,
turn out so bad; Nor run no kin' o' risks, to fill your pocket But somehow, wen we'd fit an' licked, I full o' rocks.
ollers found the thanks I'xpect I mentioned in my last some o' the Gut kin' o' lodged afore they come ez low nateral feeturs
down ez the ranks; O'this all-fiered buggy hole in th’ way o' The Gin'rals gut the biggest sheer, the awfle creeturs,
Cunnles next, an' so on, But I fergut to name (new things to speak We never gut a blasted mite o' glory ez I
on so abounded) How one day you 'll most die o' thust, an' An' spose we hed, I wonder how you're 'fore the next git drownded.
goin' to contrive its The clymit seems to me jest like a teapot Division so 's to give a piece to twenty 'made o' pewter
thousand privits; Our Preudence hed, thet would n't pour Ef you should multiply by ten the portion (all she could du) to suit her;
o'the brav'st one, Fust place the leaves 'ould choke the You would n't git more 'n half enough to
spout, so 's not a drop 'ould dreen speak of on a grave-stun;
We git the licks, - we're jest the grist Then Prude 'ould tip an' tip an' tip, till the thet's put into War's hoppers; holl kit bust clean out,
Leftenants is the lowest grade thet helps The kiver-hinge-pin bein' lost, tea-leaves
the coppers. an' tea an' kiver
It may suit folks thet go agin a body with 'ould all come down kerswosh ! ez though
a soul in 't, the dam bust in a river.
An' aint contented with a hide without a Jest so 't is here; holl months there aint a bagnet hole in 't; day o' rainy weather,
But glory is a kin' o'thing I sha' n't pursue An' jest ez th' officers 'ould be a layin' no furder, heads together
Coz thet 's the offc'ers' parquisite, -yourn 's Ez t' how they'd mix their drink at sech a on'y jest the murder.
milingtary deepot, 'T would pour ez though the lid wuz off the Wal, arter I gin glory up, thinks I at least everlastin' teapot.
there 's one The cons'quence is, thet I shall take, wen Thing in the bills we aint hed yit, an' thet 's I'm allowed to leave here,
the GLORIOUS FUN:
pry an' doubt
Ef once we git to Mexico, we fairly may Wut two legs anywares about could keep persume we
up with my one ? All day an' night shall revel in the halls o' There aint no kin' o' quality in can'idates, Montezumy.
it's said, I'll tell ye wut my revels wuz, an' see how So useful ez a wooden leg, — except a you would like 'em;
wooden head; We never gut inside the hall: the nighest There is nothin' aint so poppylar – (wy, ever I come
it 's a parfect sin Wuz stan'in' sentry in the sun (an', fact, it To think wut Mexico hez paid fer Santy seemed a cent’ry)
Anny's pin;) A ketchin' smells o' Wiled an' roast thet Then I haint gut no princerples, an', sence come out thru the entry,
I wuz knee-high, An' hearin' ez I sweltered thru my passes I never did hev any gret, ez you can tesan' repasses,
tify; A rat-tat-too o' knives an' forks, a clinkty- I'm a decided peace-man, tu, an' go agin
clink o' glasses: I can't tell off the bill o' fare the Gin'rals Fer now the boll on 't 's gone an' past, wut hed inside ;
is there to go for ? All I know is, thet out o' doors a pair o' Ef, wile you 're 'lectioneerin' round, some soles wuz fried,
curus chaps should beg An' not a hunderd miles away frum ware To know my views o state affairs, jest this child wuz posted,
answer WOODEN LEG ! A Massachusetts citizen wuz baked an' biled Ef they aint settisfied with thet, an' kin' o
an' roasted; The on'y thing like revellin'thet ever come An' ax fer sutthin' deffynit, jest say ONE to me
EYE PUT OUT ! Wuz bein' routed out o’sleep by thet darned Thet kin' o' talk I guess you 'll find 'll revelee.
answer to a charm,
An' wen you 're druv tu nigh the wall, hol' They say the quarrel 's settled now; fer my up my missin' arm; part I 've some doubt on 't,
Ef they should nose round fer a pledge, put 't 'll take more fish-skin than folks think to
on a vartoous look take the rile clean out on 't;
An' tell 'em thet 's percisely wut I never At any rate I 'm so used up I can't do no gin nor — - took !
more fightin', The on'y chance thet 's left to me is politics Then you can call me “ Timbertoes,” or writin';
thet 's wut the people likes; Now, ez the people's gut to hev a miling
Sutthin' combinia' morril
truth with tary man,
phrases sech ez strikes; An’I aint nothin' else jest now, I 've hit Some say the people 's fond o’this, or thet, upon a plan;
or wut you please, The can'idatin' line, you know, 'ould suit I tell ye wut the people want is jest correct me to a T,
idees; An'ef I lose, 't wunt hurt my ears to lodge “Old Timbertoes,” yon see, 's a creed it 's another flea;
safe to be quite bold on, So I 'll set up ez can'idate fer any kin' o' There 's nothin' in 't the other side can any office,
ways git hold on; (I mean fer any thet includes good easy- 's a good tangible idee, a sutthin' to emcheers an' soffies;
body Fer ez tu runnin' fer a place ware work 's Thet valooable class o' men who look thru the time o' day,
brandy-toddy; You know thet 's wut I never did, - ex- It gives a Party Platform, tu, jest level cept the other way;)
with the mind Ef it's the Presidential cheer fer wich I'd Of all right-thinkin', honest folks thet better run,
mean to go it blind;
Must own a nigger o’some sort, jet black, It should appear that Mr. Sawin found the or brown, or yeller.
actual feast curiously the reverse of the bill Now I haint no objections agin particklar places. His primary object seems to have been
of fare advertised in Faneuil Hall and other climes,
the making of his fortune. Quærenda pecunia Nor agin ownin' anythin' (except the truth primum, virtus post nummos. He hoisted sail sometimes),
for Eldorado, and shipwrecked on Point TribuBut, ez I haint no capital, up there among
lation. Quid non mortalia pectora cogis, auri
sacra fames? The speculation has sometimes ye, maybe,
crossed my mind, in that dreary interval of You might raise funds enough fer me to drought which intervenes between quarterly buy a low-priced baby,
stipendiary showers, that Providence, by the An' then to suit the No'thern folks, who creation of a money-tree, might have simplified feel obleeged to say
wonderfully the sometimes perplexing problem
of human life. We read of bread-trees, the They hate an' cus the very thing they vote
butter for which lies ready-churned in Irish fer every day,
bogs. Milk-trees we are assured of in South Say you ’re assured I go full but fer Lib- America, and stout Sir John Hawkins testifies
to water-trees in the Canaries. Boot-trees bear baty's diffusion An' made the purchis on'y jest to spite the
abundantly in Lynn and elsewhere ; and I have
seen, in the entries of the wealthy, hat-trees Institootion;
with a fair show of fruit. A family-tree I once But, golly! there 's the currier's boss upon cultivated myself, and found therefrom but a the pavement pawin'!
scanty yield, and that quite tasteless and in
nutritious. Of trees bearing men we are not I 'll be more ’xplicit in my next.
without examples; as those in the park of Yourn,
Louis the Eleventh of France. Who has forBIRDOFREDUM SAWIN.
gotten, moreover, that olive-tree, growing in
the Athenian's back-garden, with its strange (We have now a tolerably fair chance of esti- uxorious crop, for the general propagation of mating how the balance sheet stands between which, as of a new and precious variety, the our returned volunteer and glory. Supposing philosopher Diogenes, hitherto uninterested in the entries to be set down on both sides of the arboriculture, was so zealous? In the sylra of account in fractional parts of one hundred, we
our own Southern States, the females of my shall arrive at something like the following re
family have called my attention to the chinas sult:
tree. Not to multiply examples, I will barely
add to my list the birch-tree, in the smaller B. SAWIN, Esq., in account with (BLANK) branches of which has been implanted so GLORY.
miraculous a virtue for communicating the
Latin and Greek languages, and which may By loss of one leg To one 675th three well, therefore, be classed among the trees pro
ducing necessaries of life, venerabile donum four fingers 5
fatalis virge. That money-trees existed in the one eye .. 10
do. do. " the breaking of six
casion of presen.
golden age there want not prevalent reasons for tation of sword
our believing. For does not the old proverb, having served in.
when it asserts that money does not grow on
Wright ..... 25 every bush, imply a fortiori that there were ing one month ..
certain bushes which did produce it? Again, 100
55 there is another ancient saw to the effect that
« do. 1 do.
cheers in Fan-
der Colonel Cush
matter of argument. Enough that I found that signboard to be no other than a bait to the trap of a decayed grocer. Nevertheless, I bought a pound of dates (getting short weight by reason of immense flights of harpy flies who pursued and lighted upon their prey even in the very scales), which purchase I made not only with an eye to the little ones at home, but also as a figurative reproof of that too frequent habit of my mind, which, forgetting the due order of chronology, will often persuade me that the happy sceptre of Saturn is stretched over this Astræaforsaken nineteenth century.
Having glanced at the ledger of Glory under the title Sawin, B., let us extend our investigations, and discover if that instructive volume does not contain some charges more personally interesting to ourselves. I think we should be more economical of our resources, did we thoroughly appreciate the fact, that, whenever Brother Jonathan seems to be thrusting his hand into his own pocket, he is, in fact, picking ours. I confess that the late muck which the country has been running has materially changed my views as to the best method of raising revenue. If, by means of direct taxation, the bills for every extraordinary outlay were brought under our immediate eye, so that, like thrifty housekeepers, we could see where and how fast
money was going, we should be less likely to commit extravagances. At present, these things are managed in such a hugger-mugger way, that we know not what we pay for; the poor man is charged as much as the rich; and, while we are saving and scrimping at the spigot, the government is drawing off at the bung. If we could know that a part of the money we expend for tea and coffee goes to buy powder and balls, and that it is Mexican blood which makes the clothes on our backs more costly, it would set some of us athinking. During the present fall, I have often pictured to myself a government official entering my study and handing me the following bill: –
money is the root of all evil. From which two adages it may be safe to infer that the aforesaid species of tree first degenerated into a shrub, then absconded underground, and finally, in our iron age, vanished altogether. In favorable exposures it may be conjectured that a specimen or two survived to a great age, as in the garden of the Hesperides; and, indeed, what could that tree in the Sixth Æneid have been, with a branch whereof the Trojan hero procured admission to a territory, for the entering of which money is a surer passport than to a certain other more profitable and too foreign kingdom? Whether these speculations of mine have any force in them, or whether they will not rather, by most readers, be deemed impertinent to the matter in hand, is a question which I leave to the determination of an indulgent posterity. That there were, in more primitive and happier times, shops where money was sold, and that, too, on credit and at a bargain, -'I take to be matter of demonstration. For what but a dealer in this article was that Æolus who supplied Ulysses with motive-power for his fleet in bags ? what that Ericus, King of Sweden, who is said to have kept the winds in his cap ? what, in more recent times, those Lapland Nornas who traded in favorable breezes ? " All which will appear the more clearly when we consider, that, even to this day, raising the wind is proverbial for raising money, and that brokers and banks were invented by the Venetians at a later period.
And now for the improvement of this digression. I find a parallel to Mr. Sawin's fortune in an adventure of my own. For, shortly after I had first broached to myself the before-stated natural-historical and archæological theories, as I was passing, hæc negotia penitus mecum revolvens, through one of the obscure suburbs of our New England metropolis, my eye was attracted by these words upon a signboard, CHEAP CASH-STORE. Here was at once the confirmation of my speculations, and the substance of my hopes. Here lingered the fragment of a happier past, or stretched out the first tremulous organic filament of a more fortunate future. Thus glowed the distant Mexico to the eyes of Sawin, as he looked through the dirty pane of the recruiting-office window, or speculated from the summit of that mirage-Pisgah which the imps of the bottle are so cunning to raise up. Already had my Alnaschar-fancy (even during that first half-believing glance) expended in various useful directions the funds to be obtainer by pledging the manuscript of a proposed volume of discourses. Already did a clock ornament the tower of the Jaalam meeting-house, a gift appropriately, but modestly, commemorated in the parish and town records, both, for now many years, kept by myself. Already had my son Seneca completed his course at the University. Whether, for the moment, we may not be considered as actually lording it over those Baratarias with the viceroyalty of which Hope invests us, and whether we are ever warmly housed as in our Spanish castles, would afford
Dr. To his share of work done in Mexico on partner
ship account, sundry jobs, as below. " killing, maiming and wounding about 5,000 Mexicans
$2.00 “ slaughtering one woman carrying water to wounded
.10 " extra work on two different Sabbaths (one
bombardment and one assault), whereby
3.50 “ throwing an especially fortunate and Prot
estant bombshell into the Cathedral at Vera
.50 " his proportion of cash paid for conquered territory
1.75 “ do. do. for conquering do.
1.50 “ manuring do. with new superior compost called " American Citiz
$9.85 Dictator had become part of the recognized To exteuding the area of freedom and Protes
stock of our modern political comedy, though, tantism
as our term of office extends to a quadrennial glory
length, the parallel is not so minutely exact as $9.87
could be desired. It is sufficiently so, however, Immediate payment is requested.
for purposes of scenic representation. An hum
ble cottage (if built of logs, the better) forms N. B. Thankful for former favors, U. S. the Arcadian background of the stage. This requests a continuance of patronage. Orders rustic paradise is labelled Ashland, Jaalam, executed with neatness and despatch. Terms
North Bend, Marshfield, Kinderhook, or Bâton as low as those of any other contractor for the
Rouge, as occasion demands. Before the door
stands a something with one handle (the other same kind and style of work.
painted in proper perspective), which represents,
in happy ideal vagueness, the plough. To this I can fancy the
official answering my look of the defeated candidate rushes with delirious horror with -“ Yes, Sir, it looks like a high joy, welcomed as a father by appropriate groups charge, Sir; but in these days slaughtering is of happy laborers, or from it the successful one slaughtering." Verily, I would that every one is torn with difficulty, sustained alone by a understood that it was; for it goes about obtain
noble sense of public duty. Only, I have obing money under the false pretence of being served, that, if the scene be laid at Bâton glory. For me, I have an imagination which Rouge or Ashland, the laborers are kept careplays me uncomfortable tricks. It happens to fully in the background, and are heard to shout me sometimes to see a slaughterer on his way from behind the scenes in a singular tone rehome from his day's work, and forth with my sembling ululation, and accompanied by a sound imagination puts a cocked-hat upon his head and not unlike vigorous clapping. This, however, epaulettes upon his shoulders, and sets him up
may be artistically in keeping with the habits as a candidate for the Presidency. So, also, on of the rustic population of those localities. The a recent public occasion, as the place assigned precise connection between agricultural pursuits to the “Reverend Clergy” is just behind that and statesmanship I have not been able, after of Officers of the Army and Navy" in pro- diligent inquiry, to discover. But, that my incessions, it was my fortune to be seated at the
vestigations may not be barren of all fruit, I dinner-table over against one of these respecta- will mention one curious statistical fact, which ble persons. He was arrayed as (out of his own I consider thoroughly established, namely, that profession) only kings, court-officers, and foot- no real farmer ever attains practically beyond a men are in Europe, and Indians in America. Now
seat in the General Court, however theoretwhat does my over-officious imagination but set ically qualified for more exalted station. to work upon him, strip him of his gay livery, It is probable that some other prospect has and present him to me coatless, his trousers been opened to Mr. Sawin, and that he has not thrust into the tops of a pair of boots thick with made this great sacrifice without some definite clotted blood, and a basket on his arm out of understanding in regard to a seat in the cabinet which lolled a gore-smeared axe, thereby de- or a foreign mission. It may be supposed that stroying my relish for the temporal mercies we of Jaalam were not untouched by a feeling of upon the board before me ! - H. W.]
villatic pride in beholding our townsman occupying so large a space in the public eye. And to me, deeply revolving the qualifications necessary
to a candidate in these frugal times, those of No. IX
Mr. S. seemed peculiarly adapted to a successful
campaign. The loss of a leg, an arm, an eye, A THIRD LETTER FROM and four fingers reduced him so nearly to the B. SAWIN, ESQ.
condition of a vox et præterea nihil that I could
think of nothing but the loss of his head by (Upon the following letter slender comment
which his chance could have been bettered. will be needful. In what river Selemnus has
But since he has chosen to balk our suffrages, Mr. Sawin bathed, that he has become so
we must content ourselves with what we can swiftly oblivious of his former loves ? From an
get, remembering lactucas non esse dandas, dum ardent and (as befits a soldier) confident wooer
cardui sufficiant. -- H. W.) of that coy bride, the popular favor, we see him subside of a sudden into the (I trust not jilted) I SPOSE you recollect thet I explained my Cincinnatus, returning to his plough with a goodly sized branch of willow in his hand; fig. In the last billet thet I writ, 'way down
gennle views uratively returning, however, to a figurative plough, and from no profound affection for that frum Veery Cruze, honored implement of husbandry (for which, Jest arter I'd a kin' o' ben spontanously indeed, Mr. Sawin never displayed any decided predilection), but in order to be gracefully summoned therefrom to more congenial labors. It
To run unannermously fer the Preserdenshould seem that the character of the ancient