His baby head is helmeted, In his baby grasp a brand, In his baby eye a mystery, And a look of stern command: And babe though he be, it is plain to see Proudly, but painfully, he stept Across the corpse of the dead Old Year And to all the hosts of the past years' ghosts "Your work ye have done, but never a one From the first of the eighteenhundreds When to answer his boast, forth stepped a ghost His coat was broidered on all the seams, His knee was gartered fair; With stars and crosses and ribbons, His breast it glittered sheen, No order at all, so great or small, But there its badge was seen; Quoth he-" You see here, that famous year 'Twas I that drew the protocols Laid Europe's best and bravest at rest 'Twas I pulled down Napoleon; 'Twas I that linked black eagles three "The map of Europe I recast In the form it wears to-day; Knocked frontiers about, dealt kingdoms out, I pooh-poohed national feelings, I laughed at the claims of race: So I bade them be quiet, and diplomates' fiat "All this did I, with a hand so high, That the pressure yet remains; My mould I set on the world, and yet "Tis true that of my protocols Kings and Kaisers have cracked a few; They have set up a new crown here and there, The NAPOLEONS have turned up again, And you dare come, you Hop-o'-my-Thumb, Quoth young Sixty, serene," You forget,-Fifteen;-- "MR. PUNCH, LADIES' TRAINS. "As you devote a considerable part of your columns to the the female sex, I will trouble you, if you will let me, to denounce a exposure, with a view to the correction, of the too many bad habits of gross annoyance which ladies who travel by railway are very apt to inflict upon their fellow-passengers. "The annoyance to which I allude is that of causing both windows of the carriage to be closed, even in the mildest weather, and thus obliging all the people who are in it to continue for some hours breathing an atmosphere consisting chiefly of the products of their own respiration. "I was served this trick, Sir, by a foolish woman only the other day. She asked me if I had any objection to have the window, by which I was sitting, up. I made no answer, but raised it a foot or so, leaving room for the escape of the air which we were contaminating. There were some half-dozen of us all together, stifling ourselves in our own breath. This was not enough to satisfy her, and presently she desired to know if I had any objection to close the window altogether. I grinned, and did it. Our united exhalations instantly condensed on the inside of the glass, and I had to rub a hole in the dew which was formed by them in order that I might look out. Is this lady aware that she continually gives out a lot of carbonic acid gas and watery vapour from her chest, and that other people exhale the same matters, of which the repeated respiration is unwholesome, although she may not consider it unpleasant? Sir, I wish to impress upon the female mind, that fresh air is salubrious, and that foul air is poison, and that women commonly entertain an excessive fear of the effect upon the chest of slight cold, and a reckless disregard of the pulmonary influence of gross contamination. "For fear, however, lest instruction should be refused, as it certainly will by the majority of those to whom it is offered,-I would request Railway Directors to take steps for enabling reasonable creatures to secure themselves from being half suffocated in railway carriages by travellers of the opposite sex. Let ladies' carriages be provided expressly for ladies, and for those men whom choice may cause to prefer such insanitary travelling-companions. How inconsistent it is to prohibit healthy smoking in railway trains, whilst unwholesome fuming is permitted to any amount without regard to ventilation! "Sir, women are willing enough to let you waste your breath when you attempt to talk to them for their good, or for your own, and they might not be so desirous, as they mostly are, to make you consume it a hundred times over. But so it is. I say, then, let female railway travellers have special carriages, if they needs must sit with closed windows; let them have locomotive Black Holes of Calcutta all to themselves, and to those who may be willing to share their suffocation for the sake of their society, amongst whom will certainly not be included your elderly reader, "OXYGEN." "ALDERMAN FINNIS. You are an old offender, and although your conduct deserves a heavy punishment, I shall not send you for three months, as you would be too comfortable in prison. I shall therefore send you to prison for twenty-one days." Why, then, let us ask, should this old offender have the opportunity of being "comfortable even for twenty-one days? If prison is such a comfortable place, the great punishment would consist in a criminal not being allowed to go there. It should be held out as a reward rather than as a punishment. None but the good and deserving should be allowed to enter it, and occasionally the wicked and lawless should be taken round the wards to see how very happy and comfortable the former were in them. A QUESTION FOR BURKE.-Is the "locus standi" of a cabman any guide to his Rank? HE Talking Fish is dead! The event is sad enough to strike every Member of Parliament dumb with apprehensions of his own future doom. This sudden demise is greatly to be regretted, as there were hopes of the Fish being able to attend the Congress about to be held in Paris. Doubtlessly he would have spoken as much to the purpose as any other official there. He would have said "Pa" to the representative of the HOLY FATHER, and "Ma" to the old woman who does duty for the EMPEROR OF AUSTRIA, and what more could have been wanted? If a question had arisen as to the "balance of Europe," he could have pointed to his own scales, and proved how worthy he was to hold either the one or the other by ba lancing himself as upright as any judge (an English one, of course who ever heard of any other that was upright?) right on the tip of his tail. He has been disappointed, also, in not having been invited to dine with LORD COWLEY, who, on this occasion, and this occasion only-might have been able to boast of having had Fish for dinner; but all these wonderful things, and many more, have been abruptly checked in their career by the untimely decease of this duosyllabic wonder, who, when he met you, did not accost you with, "I have just two words to say to you," and then, like too many talkative monsters in human form, detain you by the button-hole for at least a couple of hours. He was eminently a fish and not a bore. He said his two words, and no more, simply because he did not know more than two. His tongue was always dancing a pas de deux (the IMPORTANT MEDICAL MEETING. A NUMEROUS meeting of the medical profession was held at Apothecaries' Hall on Tuesday evening, for the purpose of considering the propriety of presenting a testimonial from the profession to the Clerk of the Weather, in return for his recent management of his department. DR. TWADDLER was unanimously called to the chair. DR. TWADDLER said, that he and other gentlemen had felt that the weather for the last month had been so extraordinarily favourable to the profits, the legitimate profits (hear, hear), of the profession to which he had the honour to belong, and was so exactly that which a medical man with a proper regard for his family must be delighted to see, that it seemed hardly proper to pass it over without notice. The thermometer had varied twenty degrees in a day, and tumbled back, or run up again in a night, and he was happy to think that few constitutions were insensible of changes that sent a man out to his work perspiring and brought him home freezing. For himself, he had much more work to do than he could possibly perform, and had been compelled to restrict his attendance to the residences mentioned in the Peerage. But he did not grudge a share in the spoils (laughter) to his professional brethren. (Applause.) He would call on his friend MR. HONEYBOY to move the first resolution. MR. HONEYBOY said, that they should really cut matters short, for time was fees in a time like this, and they must make hay while the influenza shines upon them. He was happy to say, that the weather was most trying, most depressing; you scarcely met a person without a miserable cough, and as for the children, their life was one long snivel. (Applause.) He thought the Clerk of the Weather deserved their best thanks, and- (here a buttony lad ran in and whispered the speaker. Ironical plaudits.) "No, no,(my dear fellows," said MR. HONEYBOY laughing, "it's not humbug this time; he has a real message for me, a whole family laid up, thank Influenza! speaker bolted.) (The MR. D'EMULGENT said that their friend had gone off in such a hurry, aperiently (roars of laughter), that he had forgotten his resolution. Truly they ought to be thankful, for never was there so much sickness about-not dangerous, mind you, for that it would be wrong to be glad paternal and maternal salutations above alluded to), and you could never persuade him to execute any other pas, or "Ma" either. He must have been a good son, this Talking Fish, for you never could get him to talk upon any other subject but that of his parents. In fact, he was endeared to his master from the fact of his pay-rental propensities, which he would exhibit more or less strongly at every new place he went to. The loss of the Talking Fish will be largely felt in the circle in which he moved, by which we mean, the large tub in which he was in the habit of taking his daily rounds. According to the information we have received from our usual authentic sources, the Talking Fish is to be buried, not in Westminster Abbey, nor St. Paul's, but in Billinsgate Market. His epitaph, borrowed from the ducal hatchments, is to be simply, "IN SEALO QUIES." MR. CHISHOLM ANSTEY has offered his services as chief mourner; but it is expected that the compliment will be paid, par préférence, to MR. GLADSTONE, not only because his "talking" powers are fully equal to those of his loquacious rival, but also because he is more closely connected with the Seals of Office, to which, it is well known, the lamented deceased had the ambition of aspiring. We need not state that the Talking Fish died deeply regretted by his keepers, who will feel his loss most deeply in that part where losses are generally felt by persons the most deeply,viz, the breeches pocket. What complaint the Talking Fish had, beyond receiving every now and then a scanty supply of flounders, we cannot state; but we understand that he took his final leap from this world into the next in his rash efforts to combine in his own person the Seal and Die Department. He succeeded eventually, and but too well, as the fact of his own dying painfully testified. It was his first, as it will be his last attempt in that line, though it must be confessed that he has succeeded in making a tolerably deep impression with it. of, besides its being difficult to deal with, but that sort of very troublesome, irritating, disagreeable illness that made everybody fidgety and frightened unless the medical man was constantly in the house. He thought, however, that any demonstration on their part was unwise, as there was already a feeling abroad that if people washed themselves well, lived well, took exercise, talked cheerfully, and laughed often, they might do without a good deal of the medical attendance they now paid heavily for, and it would be well not to increase any prejudice against the profession. MR. FITZLABEL agreed. They were going on very well, let them take their money and be quiet. He had his washing-copper brewed full of "The Draught" every morning, and it was empty at night. (Sensation and applause.) DR. GREED had been afraid the weather was going to settle, but up to that time there were no unfavourable symptoms. He advised their making their game while they could, and talking about it, if people wanted to talk (he didn't) afterwards. DR. TWADDLER said, that as this seemed to be the view of the meeting, he would adjourn it sine die, and retire from the chair, heartily congratulating the profession on a state of things that must fill them with so much justifiable pleasure. After the usual vote of thanks, the meeting rushed off to make pills. LORD BYRON, LORD PUNCH, AND LORD FINGALL. LORD FINGALL, an Irish Catholic nobleman, has very properly refused to join the ridiculous movement which the Irish priests have commanded their dupes and tools to perform on behalf of the POPE. His Lordship's father has his name embalmed in a verse by LORD BYRON, which verse Mr. Punch (in every way a superior poet to the latter) begs to modify as follows, in honour of the son: "Well done, that thou would'st-not, O. FINGALL, recal The slaves, that now hail POPE PERUGIA with hymns." AS LITTLE GRIGLEY IS ON HIS WAY TO CALL UPON THOSE JOLLY GURLS HE MET ON NEW YEAR'S EVE, HE THINKS HE WILL HAVE HIS BOOTS TOUCHED UP. JUST AS THE POLISHING BEGINS, THE JOLLY GURLS COME ROUND THE CORNER. WASN'T IT?" AS LITTLE GRIGLEY SAID. indulge in it. DOOCED AWKWARD! TOBACCO-STOPPERS WANTED. 1 tobacco does not agree with them: and while their moral health suffers through the snobbishness aforesaid, their vital stamina is sapped by THAT very reverend Tobacco Stopper the DEAN OF CARLISLE has the sucking of their cutties. Every whiff which they inhale blows a been breathing forth a second Counterblast against tobacco, which he portion of their brains out; the more they fill their pipes, the more denounces as the root, or at least the plant, of evil, and brings argu- their heads they empty. They begin to smoke too young, and grow ments to prove it of pure Satanic growth. Now Mr. Punch cannot prematurely old by it. By the time that they reach manhood, they echo such a damnatory blast, nor join in any whole-hog putting-down have become the very poorest apologies for men; for it is the nature of pigtail. As an advocate of temperance in language as in liquor, of the weed to make all those grow "weedy" who precociously or in any other form or shape whatever, Mr. Punch holds that smoking is good in moderation; and that it is not the use, but the abuse of it, that harms people. Mr. Punch will therefore join in no Tobacco Total Abstinence Society, nor will he lend a hand towards stopping men from moderately smoking. With regard to boys, however, the case is widely different. All smoking must with them be smoking in excessin excess both of their physical requirements and capacities. As a matter of requirement, boys no more need tobacco than any other stimulant, and they are not mature enough to use it without injury. Any boy who smokes should be treated, Mr. Punch thinks, as a juvenile delinquent, and by way of counter-stimulant, should have a dose of birch immediately given to him. That the evil is a "growing one" among us is quite patent. Growing lads of any age from six to sixteen daily practise it. Besides the little vagabonds who prowl about our streets, and play at pitch-andtoss on Sundays with short pipes in their mouths, there are a higher class of juveniles who ought to have their pipes put out, and Mr. Punch would willingly assist that operation. The latter lads stand higher in point of social status, and their position in the streets is certainly more elevated. But although they commonly are seen upon the knifeboard of an omnibus, they are by no means raised thereby in Mr. Punch's estimation; and their habit of short-pipe smoking tends still more to lower them. As a rule, these lads do not smoke because they really like it, but because they think it manly to be seen to smoke, and fancy that they show their independence by so doing. It is, therefore, not for pleasure, but for snobbishness, they smoke, and there is no redeeming reason for excusing them. Their pallid pimpled cheeks, and sallow tallowy complexions, are sufficient indications that THE TREATMENT OF THE NAVY. OLD ADMIRAL BOWLES, in a despatch dated Nov. 20th, admonishes the Lords of the Admiralty by telling them, in reference to the cause of the mutiny on board the Princess Royal, that "Nothing can be more injudicious and unjust than the way in which officers and men returning from lengthened foreign service are treated with respect to leave; that they are dealt with as if they were culprits in whom no confidence could be placed, and are imprisoned unnecessarily on board their ships, while every possible indulgence is extended to all around them." Subsequently, Dec. 13th, in another letter, addressed to the same high authorities, the jolly old Admiral expresses the opinion that "The severest measures should be taken to crush this rising spirit of insubordination in the British Navy." What a fine doctor the Admiral would have made. An eruptive complaint is closely analogous to a mutiny. How would DR. BOWLES have treated a case of small-pox or scarlatina. Doubtless, by the severest measures calculated to suppress the eruption. He would thus have made short work of the exanthemata, to the emolument of the undertakers. But if DR. BOWLES would have taken his severe measures with the system, and instituted active treatment, not against mere symptoms, but for the removal of their causes, then we beg ADMIRAL BOWLES'S pardon. The gallant old officer would be for putting down insubordination among seamen by hanging or flogging, or otherwise bleeding, and physicking the misrulers of the Navy. POPE AND CONGRESS. THE Papacy's a curious thing; Of Kings he is to be the least, What justice can a Prince decree Like delegate of Deity? What King should reign like him you call The Vicar of the King of all? If, then, the POPE his subjects rule At best, no better than a fool, His claim to Vicarship would seem If what you deem a rock be sand, You'll build thereon what will not stand; NAPOLEON, you'll restrict, in vain, True Priest and bad King can't combine. A NEW LITERARY INVENTION. It is extremely disagreeable to a conscientious person to be found out in a falsehood. For this reason Mr. Punch, who is excessively conscientious, hails with delight a recent improvement in the letter-writing department of life. Out of ten letters which one receives, about two are of a kind which it is a pleasure, four a duty, and the rest a simple bore, to answer. One's habit of course, therefore, is to answer the first, and perhaps one or two of the others, at once, but to postpone and neglect the mass. Then, when it becomes an actual necessity to write, one is bothered to begin with a neat falsehood by way of excuse, or to choose among the half-dozen falsehoods that naturally occur to the elegant mind. And another thing is, that there is the probability of sending contradictory falsehoods to people who are likely to meet one another. It is a bore to find that you have written to a man that you have been in Paris for three weeks, and to his brother that you have been laid up for a month in chambers with gout, and that the two have compared your notes at the table of their father, to whom you have intimated that a domestic affliction has detained you at Brighton. Mr. Punch has, therefore, received with pleasure, from an enterprising engraver, whose invention he commends to the notice of MESSRS. PHEASANT & UNCLES, or GHERKINS & GROTTO, or some other of the great stationary firms, a device for saving a good deal of time and perplexity in the respect alluded to. Everybody's note paper is already engraved with his address, and (except in the case of idiots) with MR. ROWLAND HILL'S district initial. The ingenious party who has sent to Mr. Punch goes a little further, and actually begins the Letter of Excuse for you. Here are some of the specimens: No. 3. "MY DEAR Aunt, Eltham, S.E. "I FELT So overcome at hearing from you of the demise of our dear cousin in Australia, (and as I had not heard of him for eleven years the shock was so much the greater and more unexpected) that I was totally unable to reply to your letter of about six weeks back. But now that time has calmed down my feelings, let me express No. 4. "MY DEAR WIFE, Ratcliffe Highway, E. "YOUR letter would have been answered immediately, but in No. 12. "War Office, S.W. "DEAR SIR, "I DULY received your letter, but up to the present time was unable to read it, owing to your writing such an abominably undecipherable hand. But I now gather from a word here and there that you want some money, and I beg to inform you that Mr. Punch cannot find room for more specimens, but the nature of this commodious invention is now clear. Separate pigeon-holes must be kept for the different forms, and if a writer makes a memorandum of the number of the form he has used and the person to whom he sends it, every one of the above excuses, and twenty more, may be sent to each of his correspondents. Before the stock is exhausted, parties will have left off writing to him. Any communications for the inventor may be sent to 85, Fleet Street, and Mr. Punch, not being a government official, will not hinder the poor inan from carrying out his idea, and not being a British manufacturer, will not steal the invention and cheat the discoverer. * Fill up with any place, for even if inquiries are made, the result will only be the same that always occurs when a letter has been written and lost-nobody knows anything about it. Be sure to burn the letter you say you did not receive, for women's eyes are sharp, and if you leave it about and she calls and sees it, there is another bore. PAPA POSED.-A youthful prodigy asked the "author of his being" the other day, whether " as it had been used for such a long time, bad language would not soon be worn out?" |