CLASSICALITY FOR THE MONTH.

FEBRUARY is so called because the Romans were then purified (Februabatur) by a sacrifice, in remembrance of which the collector of sewer rates comes round and demands of us a sacrifice which, from all appearances, seems about as efficacious as that of the Romans. Some say Februa was a goddess who presided over purifications, but the best writers disbelieve in a washerwoman having ever been sent aloft, though there are numerous instances of her fraternity having been devoted in a contrary direction by Paterfamilias, when he is stifled with the muggy steam from the washhouse, or apprised that his choice lies between cold mutton and the club. Februa is also a name of Juno, but the fact is, that the gods and goddesses were so disreputable that they were always obliged to borrow one another's names, and there ought to have been a temple to the god Alias.

THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS.

Boy. I say, Uncle, do flowers talk? Wicked Uncle. Yes, my dear, they talk with tulips.

MORAL LESSON.-A conscientious old gentleman, induced to stand godfather to a friend's baby, and wishing to typify the requisite renunciation of pomps and vanities, presents the little one with a set of wooden spoons.

APPROPRIATE ADDRESS.-A poet, a native of the "Land o' Cakes" wrote an Ode to the Owl, commencing with "Hoot Awa!" EXTREMELY GREEN. Secret-drawers should never be made of green wood, or secrets, at least, should never be deposited in them, from the very great risk they run of splitting.

WHEN is a man (lawyers included) like strong ale?

When he thinks no small beer of himself.

OUR NATIONAL DEFENCES.

ARTIFICIAL FLOWERS.-The Pink of Fashion is a flower that generally is extremely artificial.

ARTIFICIAL MEMORY.-The knots in one's pocket-handkerchief, or drawings in chalk, such as one's milk-score, or the cartoons and cabalistic signs drawn by beggars on those houses that are not favourable to their calling. Artificial Memory is also the recollection of favours that have been received. It is so artificial, that it is only the expectation of favours to come that manages to keep it alive.

"FEU

ARTIFICIAL ICE. The reception one meets with when, dropping-in, self-invited, one happens to be the thirteenth at dinner. D'ARTIFICE."-The old Greek Fire, the artifice of which was so knowing, that the trick has not exploded even to the present day. A fire of compliments, let off by a fashionable Frenchman, may, likewise, be compared to a "Feu d'Artifice," the artifice being merely the transparency of a false flame; and so ridiculously transparent, that every young lady, who has her eyes and senses about her, must instantly see through it.

REASONS WHY I WEAR CRINOLINE. Extorted from MISS BUSSELTON, by one who owns himself a Brute.

1. BECAUSE it's quite the thing to wear it. 2. Because you know everybody has got to wear it now.

3. Because it sets one off so.

4. Because gentlemen admire it so. (Oh, yes, they may say they don't, but I know quite well they do.)

5. Because-well, you know one doesn't always want to have one's ancles criticised.

6. Because-well, now I'm sure it's very tiresome in you to keep on questioning me so, and I've really a good mind not to say another word to you.

7. Because-Oh, you really want to know my real reason, do you? Well, then, Mr. Curious, I wear Crinoline because I like it, Sir. And I don't care whether you do.

Does an impatient noble resemble hashed bullock's heart?

No! Because the longer he is kept waiting, the hotter he gets.

THE FASHION FOR NEXT SUMMER. Flora. "THERE! I DON'T THINK THE STUPID MEN CAN LAUGH AT US NOW!"

MAY is so called from Maia. She was a daughter of Atlas, and sensible people now take down their maps, and arrange their summer tour, instead of waiting on the fashions. She was the mother of Mercury, and that accounts for the quicksilver in the thermometers dancing so much with

joy to see her. She had six sisters, and she and all the rest, except one, made crack matches, but poor Merope was obliged to put up with a mortal. Hence, when they were all made Pleiades, Merope's star had only one burner and no reflector, while her sisters all shine out like MR. WAY's marvellous light. Let young ladies think of this when flirting at Exeter Hall or Epsom.

SOCIAL SUGGESTIONS.

BY MES. ARTFULLE DODGERE.

WHEN you receive your guests, be sure to tell them what a number of disappointments you have had, and how the Lion of the day (whom you know you dared not ask) was laid up with bronchitis, and so prevented coming.

If you have been so lucky as to catch some titled people, take care to tell your greengrocer to bawl their names out extra loudly when, as footman, he announces them.

In making out your dance list, introduce the Caledonians and similar antiquities. The philosophic mind may derive some entertainment from a study of the struggles to which they will give rise. But be ready to come forward as a dea ex machind and having the directions for the figures in your hand-to act the part of the director in the maze at Hampton Court.

It being considered vulgar now-a-days to eat much, of course you need not go to great expense about refreshments. A light repast is all that it is fashionable to givei. e., lots of gas, and little lobster salad.

With regard to wine, you can give your guests champagne at a very small expense, if you do not mind giving such as will be sure to play Old Gooseberry with them. The worse the wine is, recollect, the less will people drink of it. Nobody expects to get good wine at evening parties, and it is just as well that nobody be disappointed.

ONE ADVANTAGE OF LIVING IN LODGINGS. -You evade the Income-Tax.

LACONIC LOVE-LETTERS. DEAREST,-If that word is a mistake, throw this note in the fire. Excuse folly, result of last night's dance. Cab waiting 11-30; train starts at 12; back to-night. No answer sufficient reply to your rejected, -JOHN SHORT.

MISS SWEET is at a loss to express the embarrassment which she experienced on reading MR. SHORT's note.

MY DEAREST LOUISA,-Received yours, and note the contents. In haste, yours, J. S.

DEAR MR. SHORT,-Things must, of course, depend upon circumstances.-L. S.

MY DEAREST LOVE,-£500 a-year in the funds. £200 landed property. £600 mortgage at 4 per cent. Net profits of business, £800 per ann. At your feet.-J. S.

MY DEAR MR. SHORT,-Connections? Religious principles ?-L. S.

BELOVED OBJECT,-Aristocratic. Orthodox. I adore LOUISA.-J. S.

MY DEAR JOHN,-I own you have awakened an interest in my-what shall I say?-L. S.

MY ONLY LOVE,-Bosom.-J. S.

MY DEAREST JOHN,-What a goose you are!-L. S.

MY BEAUTIFUL BIRD,-But then you are a duck. So now we understand one another. Accept the enclosed photagraph.-J. S.

INCONSTANT ONE!-I return it. You were seen last night in a private box at Covent Garden with Miss JONES. I am deceived-farewell. Think no more of-L.S.

FAITHLESS,-I have paid no attentions to MISS JONES like those I understand you received from CAPTAIN BROWN. Distraction! Madness!-J. S.

JEALOUS!-I scorn CAPTAIN BROWN. Torture! Cruel! Unkind!-L. S.

SILLY GIRL!-MISS JONES is a griffin. Bosh!-J. S.

DEAREST, DEAREST JOHN,-Can you forgive me?-L. S.

MY OWN ONE,-my Fond One. I believe you.-J. S.

MY HEART'S IDOL,-Say no more.-L. S. MISTRESS OF MY SOUL,-Three words only. Name the day.-J.S.

MY LOVE, MY LIFE,-Whenever you like. -L. S.

IRRESISTIBLE.

Lady. "WHAT! Two SHILLINGS! AND EIGHTEENPENCE FOR WAITING THREE-QUARTERS OF AN HOUR?-NONSENSE, MAN! IT WAS ONLY TEN MINUTES BY MY WATCH!" Cabman (insinuatingly). "WASN'T IT, MISS? WELL, THEN, I S'POSE IT WAS A MISSIN' O' YOUR PRETTY FACE AS MADE IT Seem THREE KERVARTERS OF AN HOUR!" [Fare pays, and thinks the Cabman an extremely nice person.

MY PRECIOUS,-Say, Wednesday.-J. S. MY TREASURE,-Very well. The sooner these things are settled the better. I'll see to everything. Mind then, Wednesday, St. George's, Hanover Square, 11, sharp. Punctuality is the soul of marriage. Au revoir at the altar!-L. S.

CLASSICALITY FOR THE MONTH.

JUNE is so called from Juno. She was the daughter of Ops, whence so many dances are now given. Some say she was taken care of by the Seasons, and this is certainly the pet month of the season still. She hated Hercules, whence ladies detest the Club that prevents their husbands taking them to Richmond or Greenwich this lovely weather, though the wretches can go fast enough by themselves, the pigs. The peacock was sacred to Juno, and if ever people look smart it is now. Juno having the privilege of using Jupiter's thunderbolts, the occasional storms of the month are accounted for; but upon one occasion she did a bolt on her own account, which brought business before the Olympian CRESSWELL. She was quite in the right, and had to submit-as will always happen while gods and men make laws.

PROFESSIONAL NURSERY RHYME.

PARSON.

PREACHEE, preachee, preachee, Not too long, beseech 'ee, Wear a white tie,

And make 'em all cry,

Preachee, preachee, preachee.

INCONSISTENCY OF MANKIND." Men," said a merry old lady, "when I was young, called me an enchantress, and now I have lost my charms, they say I am as ugly as a witch. Ah, drat 'em!"

THE SPHERE OF THE STABLE.-Roguery is a common complaint against men who are much associated with horses. Ossy men seem dead as to their moral feelings. No doubt their hearts are ossified.

A SHAMELESS BRUTE.-An epicure declared that a pig's cheek was great. His friend, assenting, remarked that the pig never blushes.

PARALLEL BY AN ILLITERATE PERSON.Orthography is my spelling; heterography is another man's spelling.