THE UNLUCKY PRESENT. An old gentleman, a merchant in Bush Lane, had an only daughter, possessed of the highest attractions, moral, personal, and pecuniary; she was engaged, and devotedly attached, to a young man in her own rank of life, one in every respect well worthy of her choice. All preliminaries were arranged, and the marriage, after two or three postponements, was fixed, "positively for the last time of marrying," to take place on Thursday, April 15, 18-. On the preceding Monday, the bridegroom elect (who was to have received £10,000 down on his wedding-day, and a further sum of £30,000 on his father-in-law's dying, as there was hope he soon would), had some little jealous squabbling with his intended at an evening party; the "tiff" arose in consequence of his paying more attention than was thought justifiable, to a young lady with sparkling eyes and inimitable ringlets. The gentleman retorted, and spoke slightingly of a certain cousin, whose waistcoat was the admiration of the assembly, and which it was hinted darkly, had been embroidered by the fair hand of the heiress in question. He added, in conclusion, that it would be time enough for him to be schooled when they were married; that (reader pardon the unavoidable expression) she was putting on the breeches" a little too soon. On the next morning, the swain thought with some remorse on the angry feelings he had exhibited, and the cutting sarcasm in of his amende honorable, packed up with which he had given it vent, and, as a part great care a magnificent satin dress which he had previously bespoken for his beloved, and which had been sent home to him in the interval, and transmitted it to the lady, with a note to the following effect: "DEAREST -I have been unable to close my eyes all night, in consequence of thinking on our foolish misunderstanding last evening. Pray, pardon me; and, in token of your forgiveness, deign to accept the accompanying dress, and wear it for the sake of your ever affectionate Having written the note, he gave it to his shopman to deliver with the parcel; but as a pair of his nether garments happened at the time to stand in need of repairs, he availed himself of the opportunity offered by his servant having to pass the tailor's shop, in his way to Bush Lane, and desired him to leave them, packed in another parcel, on his road. The reader foresees the inevitable contretemps. Yes, the man made the fatal blunder! consigned the satin robes to Mr. Snip, and left the note, together with the dilapidated habiliment, at the residence of the lady. Her indignation was neither to be described nor appeased. So exasperated was she at what she considered a determined and deliberate affront, that when her admirer called she ordered the door to be closed in his face, refused to listen to any explanation, and resolutely broke off the match.BARHAM'S REMINISCENCES. huge wet nurse wished to wean them, sla cast them ashore on one of the Friendly WHO MILKED MY COW? OR, THE Islands. We think that we hear the in MARINE GHOST. BY THE AUTHOR OF "RATTLIN THE REEFER." Captain the Honorable Augustus Fitzroy Fitzalban, of that beautiful ship, His Majesty's frigate Nænia, loved many things. He had also vowed to love and cherish another person; but what gallant spirit would yield love, even if it were as plenty as blackberries, upon compulsion? The less you give away, the more must remain to be employed in the service of the possessor. Captain Augustus Fitzroy Fitzalban had a great deal of unoccupied love at his disposal. Considering duly these premises, there can be nothing surprising in the fact, if he had a surplus affection or two to dispose of, and that he most ardently loved new milk every morning for breakfast. credulous exclaim, “Very like a whale!" Why, so it was! But to return to another matter of history. On the memorable morning before indicated the honorable captain, the first lieutenant, the doctor, the marine officer, the officer and the midshipman of the morning watch, had all assembled to breakfast in the cabin. They had not forgotten their appetites, particularly the gentleman of the morning watch. They were barbarous and irate in their hunger, as their eyes wandered over cold fowl and ham, hot rolls, grilled kidneys, and deviled legs of turkey. "By all the stars in heaven," said the honorable commander, "no milk again this morning! Give me, you rascally steward," continued the captain, "a plain, straightforward, categorical answer. Why does this infernal cow, for which I gave such a heap of dollars, give me no milk?" "Well, sir," said the trembling servitor, "if, sir, you must have a plain answer, I really-believe it is-because-I don't know." "A dry answer," said the doctor, who was in most senses a dry fellow. 66 "You son of a shotten herring!" said the captain, "can you milk her?" Yes, sir." "Then why, in the name of all that is good, don't you?" I do, sir, but it won't come.' "Then let us go," said the captain, quite resignedly, "let us go, gentlemen, and see what ails this infernal cow. I can't eat any breakfast without milk, and breakfast is the meal that I generally enjoy most." Now, Captain the Honorable Augustus Fitzroy Fitzalban (how delightful it is to give the whole title when it is either highsounding or euphonious!) had large estates and wide pasture lands, populous with lowing kine. But all these availed him not; for, though he was sovereign lord and master pro tempore over all as far as the eye could reach, on the morning of the 6th of June, 1826, he could not command so much of the sky-bluish composition that is sold for milk in London as could be bought for one halfpenny in that sovereign city of many pumps. The fields spread around the honorable captain were wide and green enough, but, alas! they were not pastured with mammiferous animals. Neptune has never been So he, leading the way, was followed by known to take cream to his chocolate and his company, who cast many a longing, lincoffee. He would scorn to be called a milk-gering look behind. and-water gentleman. There is the sea- Forward they went to where the cow was cow, certainly, but we never heard much re- stalled by capstan bars, as comfortably as a specting the quality of her butter. prebendary, between two of the guns on the We are careful. We will not lay our-main-deck. She seemed in excellent conselves open to animadversion. We have dition; ate her nutritious food with much read books We have seen things. There- appetite; and, from her appearance, the fore we cannot suffer the little triumph to captain might have very reasonably exthe little critics who were just going to tell pected, not only an ample supply of milk us that all the cetaceous tribes suckle their and cream for breakfast and tea, but also a young. We can tell these critics more than sufficient quantity to afford him custards they know themselves. Whale's milk is for dinner. good for the genus homo. We know two brawny fellows, maintopmen, who, being cast overboard when infants, were, like Romulus and Remus with their she-bear, suckled by a sperm-whale; and, when their Well, there stood the seven officers of his Majesty's naval service round the arid cow, looking very like seven wise men just put to sea in a bowl. "Try again," said the captain to his servant. If the attempt had been only fruitless, there had been no matter for wonder; it was milkless. "The fool can't milk," said the captain; then turning round to his officers despondingly, he exclaimed, "gentlemen, can any of you?" Having all protested that they had left off, some thirty, some forty, and some fifty years, according to their respective ages, and the marine officer saying that he never had had any practice at all, having been brought up by hand, the gallant and disappointed hero was obliged to order the boatswain's mates to pass the word fore and aft, to send every one to him who knew how to milk a COW. Seventeen Welshmen, sixty-five Irishmen, (all on board), and four lads from Somersetshire made their appearance, moistened their fingers, and set to work, one after the other; yet there was no milk. "What do you think of this, doctor?" said the captain to him, taking him aside."That the animal has been milked a few hours before." "Hah! If I was sure of that. And the cow could have been milked only by some one who could milk?"-"The inference seems indisputable." The captain turned upon the numerous aspirants for lacteal honors with no friendly eye, exclaiming sorrowfully, "Too many to flog, too many to flog. Let us return to our breakfast; though I shall not be able to eat a morsel or drink a drop. Here, boatswain's mate, pass the word round the ship that I'll give five guineas reward to any one who will tell me who milked the captain's cow." The gentlemen then all retired to the cabin, and, with the exception of the captain, incontinently fell upon the good things. Now the midshipman of that morning's watch was a certain Mr. Littlejohn, usually abbreviated into Jack Small. When Jack Small had disposed of three hot rolls, half a fowl, and a pound of ham, and was handing in his plate for a well devilled turkey's thigh, his eye fell compassionately upon his fasting captain, and his heart opening to the softer emotions as his stomach filled with his host's delicacies, the latter's want of the milk of the cow stirred up within him his own milk of human kind ness. "I am very sorry that you have no appetite," said Jack Small with his mouth VOL. I.-W. H. 66 very full, and quite protectingly to his skipper; very sorry, indeed, sir; and, as you cannot make your breakfast without any milk I think, sir, that the midshipmen's berth could lend you a bottle." "The devil they can, younker. Oh, oh! It's good and fresh, hey?" "Very good and fresh, sir,” said the midshipman, ramming down the words with a large wadding of hot roll." We must borrow some of it, by all means," said the captain; "but let the midshipmen's servant bring it here himself." The necessary orders having been issued, the bottle of milk and the boy appeared. "Did you know," said Captain Fitzalban, turning to his first lieutenant, "that the midshipmen's berth was provided with milk, and that too after being at sea a month?" "Indeed I did not; they are better provided than we are, at least in this respect, in the ward room. "Do you think,-do you think," said the captain, trembling with rage, "that any of the young blackguards dare milk my cow ?" "It is not easy to say what they dare not do." However, the cork was drawn, and the milk found not only to be very fresh indeed, but most suspiciously new. In the latitude: of the Caribbean Islands liquids in general are sufficiently warm, so the captain could not lay much stress upon that. As fine milk as ever I tasted," said the captain. "Very good indeed, sir," said the midshipman, overflowing his cup and saucer with the delicious liquid. "Where do the young gentlemen procure it?" resumed the captain, pouring very carefully what remained after the exactions of John Small into the cream jug, and moving it close to his own plate. "It stands us rather dear, sir," said Mr. Littlejohn," a dollar a bottle. We buy it of Joe Grummet, the captain of the waisters." The captain and first lieutenant looked at each other unutterable things. Joe Grummet was in the cabin in an instant, and the captain bending upon him his sharp and angry glance. Joseph was a sly old file, a seaman to the backbone, and let the breeze blow from what quarter of the compass it would, he had always an eye to windward. Fifty years had a little grizzled his strong black hair, and, though innovation had deprived him of the massive 10 tail that whilom hung behind, there were still some fancy curls that corkscrewed themselves down his weather-stained temples, and, when he stood before the captain, in one of these he hitched the first-bend of the immense fore-finger of his left hand. He hobbled a little in his gait, owing to an unextracted musket-ball that had lodged in his thigh; consequently he never went aloft, and had been, for his merits and long services, appointed captain of the waist. The Honorable Augustus Fitzroy Fitzalban said to the veteran mariner quickly, and pointing at the same time to the empty bottle, "Grummet, you have milked my cow." Unpossible, sir," said Grummet bobbing at a bow; "downright unpossible, your honor." 66 "Then, pray, whence comes the fresh milk you sell every morning to the young gentlemen?" "Please your honor, I took two or three dozen of bottles to sea with me on a kind o' speculation." “Grummet, my man, I am afraid this will turn out a bad one for you. Go and show your hands to the doctor, and he'll ask you a few questions." So Joseph Grummet went and expanded his flippers before the eyes of the surgeon. They were nearly as large and as shapely as the fins of a porpoise, and quite of the color. They had been tanned and tarred till their skin had become more durable than boot-leather, and they were quite rough enough to have rasped closegrained wood. "I don't think our friend could have milked your cow, Captain Fitzalban," said the doctor; "at least not with his hands; they are rather calculated to draw blood than milk." Joseph rolled his eyes about and looked his innocence most pathetically. He was not yet quite out of danger. Now there was every reason in the world why this cow should give the captain at least a gallon of milk per diem-but one, and that he was most anxious to discover. The cow was in the best condition; since she had been embarked, the weather had been fine enough to have pleased Europa herself; she had plenty of provender, both dry and fresh. There were fragrant clover closely packed in bags, delicious oat-cakes, meal and water and fine junks of juicy plaintain. The cow throve, but gave no milk. "And where did you procure them ?" "At English Harbor, sir." May I ask of whom?" "Madame Juliana, the fat Negro woman." "Now, my man," said the doctor, looking a volume and a half of Galen, and holding up a cautionary fore-finger-" now my man, do not hope to deceive me. How did you prevent the acetous fermentation from taking place in these bottles of milk?" The question certainly was a puzzler. Joe routed with his fingers among his hair for an answer. At length he fancied he perceived a glimmering of the doctor's meaning, so he hummed and ha-ed, until, the doctor's patience being exhausted, he repeated more peremptorily, How did you prevent the acetous fermentation taking place in these bottles of milk?" 66 66 By paying ready money for them, sir," said the badgered seaman boldly. "An excellent preventive against fermentation, certainly," said the captain, half smiling. But you answer the doctor like a fool. 66 "I was never accused of such a thing, please your honor, before, sir," said tarrybrecks, with all his sheets and tacks abroad. "Very likely, my man, very likely," answered the captain, with a look that would have been invaluable in a vinegar manufactory. "How did you prevent this milk from turning sour?" "Ah, sir! "said Grummet, now wide awake to his danger: "if you please, sir, I humbly axes your pardon, but, that's my secret." "Then by all that's glorious I'll flog it out of you!" "I humbly hopes not, sir. I am sure your honor won't flog an old seaman who has fought with Howe and Nelson, and who was wounded in the sarvice before your honor was born; you won't flog him, sir, only because he can't break his oath." "So you have sworn not to divulge it, hey?" Ah, sir: If I might be so bold as to say so, your honor's a witch!" Take care of yourself, Joseph Grummet; I do advise you to take care of yourself. Folly is a great betrayer of secrets, Joseph. Cunning may milk cows without discovery; however, I will never punish without proof. How many bottles of this excellent milk | fully trimmed, the breeeze was just what it have you yet left?"-"Eight or ten, sir, ought to have been. The heavens above, more or less, according to sarcumstances." and the waters below, were striving to out"Well! I will give you a dollar a-piece smile each other. What then made the for all you have." gallant captain so miserable? He was thinking only of the temerity of the man who had dared to milk his cow. The first lieutenant touched his hat most respectfully to the Honorable Captain Augustus Fitzroy Fitzalban, and acquainted him that the sun indicated it to be twelve "Milk my cow!" said the captain ab At this proposition Joseph Grummet shuffled about, not at all at his ease, now looking very sagacious, now very foolish, till, at last, he brought down his features to express the most deprecating humility of which their iron texture was capable, and he then whined forth, "I would not insult o'clock. you, sir, by treating you all as one as a midshipman. No, your honor; I know the re-stractedly. spect that's due to you,-I couldn't think of letting you, sir, have a bottle under three dollars-it wouldn't be at all respectful like." Grummet," said Captain Fitzalban, "you are not only a thorough seaman, but a thorough knave. Now, have you the conscience to make me pay three dollars a bottle for my own milk?" "Ah, sir, you don't 66 know how much the secret has cost me." Joseph Grummet then brought into the cabin his remaining stock in trade, which instead of eight or ten was found to consist only of two bottles. The Captain, though with evident chagrin, paid for them honorably, and whilst the milkman pro tem. was knotting up the six dollars in the tie of the handkerchief about his neck, the skipper said to him, "Now, my man, since we part such good friends, tell me your candid opinion concerning this cow of mine?"-"Why, sir, I think as how it's the good people as milks her." "The good people! who the devil are they?" The fairies, your honor." And what do they do with it?"-" Very few can tell, your honor; but those who gets it are always desarving folks." "Such as old wounded seamen, and captains of the waist especially. Well, go along to your duty. Look out! cats love milk." So Joseph Grummet went forth from the cabin shrugging up his shoulders, with an ominous presentiment of scratches upon them. The captain, the Honorable Augustus Fitzroy Fitzalban, gave the marine officer orders to place a sentry night and day over his cow, and then dismissed his guests. The honorable commander was, for the rest of the day, in a most unconscionable ill humor. The ship's sails were beauti "Had not that better be postponed till to-morrow morning, Captain Fitzalban?" said the lieutenant, with a very little smile; "and in the meantime may we strike the bell, and pipe to dinner?" The captain gazed upon the gallant officer sorrowfully, and, as he shook his head, his looks said as plainly as looks could speak, and with the deepest pathos, "They never milked his cow." "Do what is necessary," at last he uttered; then, pulling his hat more over his eyes, he continued to pace the quarterdeck. Now, although the Honorable Captain Augustus Fitzroy Fitzalban was the younger son of a nobleman, and enjoyed a very handsome patrimony, and his temper had been thoroughly spoiled by that process that is too often called education, yet his heart was sound, English, and noble. He revolted from doing an unjust action; yet he smarted dreadfully under the impression that he was cheated and laughed at to his very face. He did not think that Joseph Grummet had milked his cow, but he felt assured that the same milk-dealing Joseph knew who did; yet was he too humane to introduce the Inquisition on board his ship by extracting the truth by torture. The Honorable Captain Fitzroy Fitzal ban slept late on the succeeding morning. He had been called at daylight, pro forma, but had merely turned from his left side to his right, muttering something about a cow. It must be supposed that the slumbers of the morning indemnified him for the horrors of the night, for breakfast was on the table, and the usual guests assembled, when the captain emerged from the after-cabin. There was no occasion to ask the pale and trembling steward if the cow had given any milk that morning. The breakfast remained untouched by |