Smout. Don't mention it-(Bows.) Trip. And very different from what I expected from Miss Harvey's description. Smout. (Puts his finger to his nose.) -Sour grapes, my lady; she jumped very high, but couldn't reach me. Trip. I don't wonder she made the attempt-heigho! Smout. Don't you, my lady? Perhaps others stand so high, they could make a mouthful of me on their hind legs without jumping-I merely drop the remark. That's a hint, if she likes to take it-(Aside.) Trip. But the happiness of another must be death and misery to poor Miss Kate. Smout. Did you ever hear what the donkey said when he began capering among the chickens-Take care of yourselves, says the donkey; for if I step on any of you, that's you're lookout, not mine. Trip. So, poor Miss Harvey is one of the thoughtless chickens? Smout. And I'm a reg'lar-built don key-and she has only herself to blame. Why the deuce did the girl wish me to marry her? Wasn't it very foolish, my lady? Trip. Very foolish, perhaps; but very natural-heigho! Smout. What's very natural, ma'am? Trip. Nothing, sir-nothing heigho! Smout. Oh, she's got it to a dead certainty, and I may pop whenever I please!-(Aside)- It would be good fun, I think, to disappoint the little lady-bird, and the old solan her mother. Wouldn't it? Trip. Yes, it would-ha, ha! Smout. A famous lark-ha, ha, ha! Trip. But how is it to be done, sir? Smout. Why, you see-excuse me, my lady-but there's no other way of making her retire from business altogether, except for me to enter into a partnership somewhere else. Trip. For how long? Smout. Life, my lady-none of your breaks at seven or fourteen years. Now, I think I have a partner in my Smout. She's a charming creature, and has no pride at all; and in a white bonnet and blue feathers is as well preserved a specimen of an angel as ever I saw. Do you know her now? Trip. Ah! if it weren't for papa! Smout. Oh, cuss the old dromedary! Leave him on the top of some of the Scotch mountains, cooling his old trotters in a kilt-that is, if he says any thing uncivil; but I bet beefsteaks and onions for four, he and I would soon become friends. How does he live? Trip. Live? what do you mean? Smout. How does he spend the day, that I may know whether we should hit it off together? When does he rise? Trip. Oh, he rises-now for my old master, Mr M Sporran (Aside)-he rises at seven o'clock, and has a pint of half-and-half and a pipe. Smout. A jolly old soul!-I like him -go on. Trip. At nine he breakfasts-tea and toast-and sends the maid out for another pint. Smout. The maid! a duke!-I wish to make a remark. It strikes me a duke is not very unlike another man say, for instance, a carpenter. Well, his lunch? Trip. He never lunches-at one he dines, and has two pints, and then goes into the scullery to smoke his pipe. Smout. The scullery!-you amaze me. What a set of oddities the Scotch must be! Trip. At five, he has tea and a half pot of porter. Smout. Go it, my jolly lad! you're a rare friend of the brewer. Trip. And at eight he has, very often, a supper of tripe and cow-heel, and a quart of strong ale. Smout. Ale again! He must be an unaccountable drunken old boy, this papa of yours. I wouldn't pay his beer bill for a trifle. But I think he and I would get as thick as thieves in less than no time; and therefore, dear girl-Lady Susannah, I mean — no offence Trip. We pardon every thing where we admire so much Smout. More treacle! Ah, what's the use of nonsense? Let's come to the point. From the moment I heard your name, I fell bang into it over head and ears. Trip. Into what? Smout. Love, my angel!-(takes her hand and looks in her face-recognizes her)-Why-what's all this? Blow'd if you ain't the pretty little waitingmaid! Oh, ho! you've been coming the hoax, have ye? but it won't do. Trip. And am I then discovered! -(Sighs.) Smout. That you are; so no more gammon about dukes and pints of halfand half. Trip. Ah, Mr Smout! think not too lowly of my sex, nor of me, since you have perceived the full extent of your conquest Smout. A mighty pretty conquest, to stand shilly-shallying with a lady's maid!-why, there ain't a barmaid between this and Brummagem that would have cost me half the time. Trip. You misunderstand me, sir, (haughtily,) and I leave you. Smout. No misunderstanding in the matter. You're the same little girl, ain't you, I saw here half an hour ago, with a bandbox and bonnet? Trip. You saw me with the bonnet and bandbox, sir; and if I humbled myself to have the pleasure of seeing a gentleman I had heard so much of but it serves me right-'Twas foolish-and I am doomed to suffer the penalty! Smout. Humbled yourself!-you're coming it mighty grand, Trippet. Trip. Trippet is my maid, sir-my tirewoman. Smout. Trippet is yourself, you mean to say. Trip. You use your victory cruelly -compassion, delicacy, gallantry, should lead you to be more merciful to the vanquished. If I disguised myself in Trippet's clothes-if I carried a bandbox into the room where I knew you were-if I broke through the rules of strict etiquette, and perhaps feminine decorum, to gratify a curiosity from which I am condemned to suffer so severely-it is right-I do not complain.-The wounds that I received as the humble Trippet, I shall know how to endure as Lady Susannah Cairngorm. Smout. Eh!-what the devil!-you don't say so? Trip. Farewell, sir.-One more look at that face! at that form!—one more sound of that voice!-one more touch of that hand-forgive it--it is the last!-farewell!-(Going.) Smout. Here's a devil of a concern! -Why, it's Lady Susannah after all. Honour bright, are you not telling a lie? You're the real superfine article, and came to have a look at me for a bit of a lark, pretending to be your own waiting-woman? 'Pon my soul, you're a trump, you are, and I like you a hundred times better than ever! Trip. Oh!-say it again! Did my ears deceive me? You like me? You forgive my having deceived you? Smout. I tell you I like you all the better for it. So you took a fancy to me at first sight? First-rate Stulzes these, ain't they? see how well they fit at the knee-The coat-don't you think the back buttons a little too low down?-The waistcoat's admired wherever I wear it. Trip. You dress like a man of fashion and science. Smout. D'ye think so?-really now?-well, you have an unaccountable sly way of paying a compliment. Kate. (Behind the scenes.)- William! cousin William! Smout. Bother! there's the ladybird. She wants me to marry her, Lady Susannah! Trip. Oh, (pretending nearly to faint,) spare my feelings! Smout. But I won't marry her, so help me Bob! Trip. You revive me. Smout. Sharp's the word, Lady Susannah; will you have me?—no palaver. Trip. Yes. Smout. Immediately? Smout. Here's the ticket. This is a proclamation of bans; we can slip round the corner to the registrar's. He'll splice us in two minutes. Kate. (Behind the scenes.)-William, cousin William! Smout. Come, then! but staywon't your father tell the House of Lords? Trip. Oh, no! He's a duke in the peerage of Scotland; but in the peerage of England he is only a justice of Kate. Cousin William!-I do hope Trippet has given him good advice. Here's Mr Dobbs arrived, and cousin William nowhere to be found.-(Enter CHARLES.)-Oh, Charles! I'm so glad to see you. Have you seen cou. sin William? Char. No-but, alas! alas! Kate; I fear fortune is still against us. Mr Dobbs seems so very determined. Kate. How often shall I have to tell you that it is I that must be determined-hot Mr Dobbs ? Enter Mrs HARVEY. Mrs H. Oh dear!-oh dear! where can that nevy of mine be gone? There's Lady Susannah calling for Trippet. I'm quite in a something ending in-dary. Kate. Quandary, mamma. Mrs H. Yes, thank you-quandary's the very word. Enter Mr DOBBS. Mr Dobbs. So you can't find Mr Smout junior, ma'am? Well, I can make use of the time till he is found in explaining matters to this young lady. Your uncle, miss, was resolved to do something for his family, and wished to be equally kind to his brother and sister; but as, at the time of his death, he was not on good terms with either of them, he determined to show his affection to their children instead of to them. He constituted me his representative in carrying these wishes into effect, and leaves his whole fortune to his nephew and niece if they marry; but cuts off without a shilling which ever of them makes an objection to the match. If you marry your cousin, I pay you over thirty thousand pounds -if you refuse to marry him when he makes you the offer, I pay the money over to him. Kate. And if he refuses to marry me, sir? Mr Dobbs. That's not a very likely case, I should say-(taking her hand) -but, in case he should be so foolish, I pay the money over to you. Kate. Pray Heaven he may be guided by Trippet's counsel! Char. He can't be ass enough for that, when merely making the offer puts him in possession of the fortune. Kate. He's ass enough for any thing, and here he comes. Enter SMOUT. Mrs H. Oh! nevy William. Kate. Oh! cousin William. Smout. What's the go now? Has any body been a breaking out of Newgate? Kate. Mr Dobbs, cousin William. Smout. The same old boy that tipt me the stave this morning! That cock won't fight, governor. Mr D. I don't quite understand you, my young friend. Smout. I understand you though, my old jackdaw, and that's pretty much the same thing, I take it. I wish to drop a remark-That cock won't fight. Now, do you take me? Mr D. Sir, we are not talking either of cocks or hens, that I am aware of. We are talking, sir, of your mar riage with this young lady. Smout. Didn't I tell you so! But I say, for the third and last time, that cock won't fight. Mr D. Who talks of fighting? who talks of cocks? I ask you a question, sir. Are you willing to take this young lady-the niece of my deceased friend-as your wedded wife? Answer me-yes or no. Smout. She's set you up to it-has she? Well, she's rather forward of her age—but she's a day behind the market Mr Dobbs. Will you answer, sir yes or no? Smout. Then no-by all means. What the devil!-how many wives would the fellow wish one to take. Would he have a man take a seraglio? (Aside.) Mr Dobbs. I must now then turn to you. Are you, Kate or Catherine Harvey, willing to marry this person, Mr William Smout? Smout. You had better mizzle, my boy, with all convenient expedition; for I expect my wife here every moment, and you must spare a bride's blushes Mrs H. Your wife, nevy William ? Was there ever such an odd-something ending in strophe ? Smout. Yes, my wife, auntie. Don't be down-hearted-but you see it won't be in my power to marry your daughter-at least till I'm a widow. I'll call her-Lady Susannah! Mrs H. Lady Susannah! Oh dear! -(Sits down and covers her fuce.) Trip. Well, lovey, did you call me? Kate. Why-Trippet? Mrs H. Trippet? Oh, the good. for-nothing hussey! Smout. Beg your pardon, but this is carrying the joke a little too far. Speak to them, Lady Susannah. Tell them about your father the duke Mrs H. The Lady Susannah! She's Trippet, and nobody else.-(Brings Trippet forward.) Smout. Now come here--I wish to drop a remark. Are you Trippet, or Lady Susannah ? Trip. Neither. Smout. Then what the deuce are you? Trip. Mrs William Smout. But come, deary, let us leave these good folks to themselves. It ain't etiquette to see so many people immediately after one's marriage. Smout. Go yourself. I don't budge an inch. Trip. Oh, you won't! won't you? -you'll desert your lawful wife, will ye?-Come, I say!—(Fiercely.) Smout. No, I won't Trip. But you shall come, sir, when Smout. Well, if you insist on it(Going)-but blowed if I ever Trip. What's that you say, sir? Smut. Nothing-nothing-devilish hard that a man can't speak Trip. Come, I say! Smout. Well, I'm coming, ain't I?—[Exeunt. Mr Dobbs. This extraordinary scene makes my duty still easier than before. I shall be delighted, Miss Harvey, to pay the money into any banker's you choose to name. Kate.-(Taking Charles's hand)— I believe this gentleman must fix on where it had better be placed. Mr Dobbs. Indeed! Kate. He has loved me long and truly, sir, when I was poor and friendless; and I think that I can't do less than love him in return, now that I am rich and happy. Cha. Thank Heaven, my cares are over! Mr Dobbs. And my duty done. Mrs H. And my uneasiness at an end, if our friends will honour us with their-something ending in ation. Kate. Approbation, mamma-approbation. Curtain falls. ENGLAND AND HER EUROPEAN ALLIES. AT a period when a temporary check has been given to the progress of misrule at home, and England is again at liberty to assume her position among the great Conservative powers of Europe, it is not a fruitless speculation to direct attention to the present condition and interests of the Conservative party on the Continent, and to offer, for the consideration of the British aristocracy, some general remarks on the actual state of the same class in other European nations. We are not of those politicians who think that England can ever, consistently with her own best interests, pursue a line of policy which is to be always unconnected with that of other powers; we hold a policy of isolation, notwithstanding the physical impreg nability of our island home, to be an impossibility-for even though we should endeavour to abstract ourselves from the influence of foreign events, those events would affect us in spite of all our efforts; other nations would not let us alone, though we were to protest for ever our deepest admiration for the non-interference system; and our multitudinous interests spread abroad like the feelers of a molluscous inhabitant of the deep, to take cognisance of all around itwould be made to vibrate with many an unforeseen event, which might call on the instant into fiery exertion all the efforts of the nation. In fact, we have nothing to gain and every thing would be wanting to herself were she That an aristocracy is always a conservative body, is true in various senses; it is conservative, at all times |