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Ontil I fin'lıy clean giv out an' owned

up thet he'd fetched me ; An's hen nine tenths o'th' perrish took

to tumblin' roun'an' hollerin', I did n' fin' no gret in th' way o' turn

in' tu an' follerin'. Soon ez Miss S. see thet, sez she,

Thet's wut I call wuth seein'! Thet 's actin' like a reas'nable an' in

tellectle bein'!" An' so we fin'lly made it up, concluded

to hitch hosses, An' here I be'n my ellermunt among

creation's bosses ; Arter I'd drawed sech heaps o' blanks,

Fortin at last hez sent a prize, An' chose me for a shinin' light o’mis

sionary entaprise.

This leads me to another pint on

which I've changed my plan O' thinkin' so 's't I might become a

straight-out Southun man. Miss S. (her maiden name wuz Higgs,

o' the fus' fem’ly here) On her Ma's side 's all Juggernot, on

Pa's all Cavileer, An' sence I've merried into her an'

stept into her shoes, It ain't more 'n nateral thet I should

modderfy my views : I've ben a-readin' in Debow ontil I've

fairly gut So 'nlightened thet I'd full ez lives

ha' ben a Dook ez nut ; An' when we've laid ye all out stiff,

an' Jeff hez gut his crown, An' comes to pick his nobles out,

wun't this child be in town We'll hev an Age o' Chivverlry sur

passin' Mister Burke's, Where every fem'ly is fus’-bestan'

nary white man works : Our system 's sech, the thing 'll root ez

easy ez a tater; For while your lords in furrin parts

ain't noways marked by natur', Nor sot apart from ornery folks in

featurs nor in figgers, Ef ourn 'll keep their faces washed,

you 'll know 'em from their niggers. Ain't sech things wuth secedin' for, an'


Thet waller in your low idees, an' wil

till all is blue? Fact is, we air a diff'rent race, an' 1,

tor one, don't see, Sech havin' ollers ben the case, how

wever did agree. It's sunthin' thet you lab'rin’-folks up

North hed ough' to think on, Thet Higgses can't bemean themselves

to rulin' by a Lincoln, Thet men, (an' guv'nors, tu,' thet hez

sech Normal names ez Pickens, Accustomed to no kin' o' work, 'thout

't is to givin' lickins, Can't masure votes with folks thet get

their livins from their farms, An' prob’ly think thet Law's ez good

ez hevin' coats o arms. Sence I've ben here, I 've hired a chap

to look about for me To git me a transplantable an' thrifty

fem'ly-tree, An' he tells me the Sawins is ez much

o' Normal blood Ez Pickens an' the rest on 'em, an'

older 'n Noah's filood. Your Normal schools wun't turn ye

into Normals, for it's clear, Ef eddykatin' done the thing, they'd

be some skurcer here. Pickenses, Boggses, Pettuses, Magoi

fins, Letchers, Polks, Where can you scare up names like

them among your mudsill folks? Ther' 's nothin' to compare with 'em,

you'd fin', ef you should glance, Among the tip-top iemerlies in Engian',

nor in France : I've hearn from 'sponsible men whose

word wut full ez good's their note, Men thet can run their face for drinks,

an' keep a Sunday coat, Thet they wuz all on 'em come down,

and come down pooty fur, From folks thet, 'thout their crowns wuz

on, ou' doors would n' never stir, Nor thet ther' warn't a Southun man

but wut wuz primy fashy o the bes' blood in Europe, yis, an'

Afriky an' Ashy : Sech bein' the case, is 't likely we should

bend like cotton-wickin', Or set down under anythin' so low-lived

ez a lickin'?

More 'n this, -hain't we the literatoor

an’ science, tu, by gorry? Hain't we them intellectle twins, them

giants, Simms an' Maury, Each with full twice the ushle brains,

like nothin' thet I know, 'Thout 't wuz a double-headed calf I see

once to a show?

For all thet, I warn’t jest at fust in

favor o' secedin'; I wuz for layin' low a spell to find out

where 't wuz leadin', For hevin' South-Carliny try her hand

at sepritnationin', She takin' resks an' findin' funds, an'

we co-operationin', I mean a kin' o' hangin' roun' an' set

tin' on the fence, Till Prov'dunce pinted how to jump

an' save the most expense; I recollected thet 'ere mine o' lead to

Shiraz Centre Thet bust up Jabez Pettibone, an' did

n't want to ventur' 'Fore I wuz sartin wut come out ud

pay for wut went in, For swappin' silver off for lead ain't

the sure way to win ; (An', fact, it doos look now ez though –

but folks must live an'larn We should git lead, an’ more 'n we

want, out o' the Old Consarn ;) But when I see a man so wise an' hon

est ez Buchanan A-lettin' us hev all the forts an' all the

arms an' cannon, Admittin' we wuz nat'lly right an you

wuz nat'lly wrong, Coz you wuz lab'rin'-folks an' we wuz

wut they call bong-tong, An' coz there warn't no fight in ye

more 'n in a mashed potater, While two o' us can't skurcely meet

but wut we fight by natur', An' th' ain't a bar-room here would

pay for openin'on't a night, Without it giv the priverlege o’ bein'

shot at sight, Which proves we're Natur's noblemen,

with whom it don't surprise The British aristoxy should feel boun'

to sympathize, Seein' all this, an' seein', tu, the thing

wuz strikin' roots

While Uncle Sam sot still in hopes thet

some one 'd bring his boots, I thought th' ole Union's hoops wux

off, an' let myseif be sucked in To rise a peg an' jine the crowd thet

went for reconstructin', Thet is, to hev the pardnership under

th' ole name continner Jest ez it wuz, we drorrin' pay, you

findin' bone an' sinner, — On'y to put it in the bond, an' enter't

in the journals, Thet you 're the nat'ral rank an' file,

an’ we the nat'ral kurnels. Now this I thought a fees'ble plan,

thet 'ud work smooth ez grease, Suitin' the Nineteenth Century an'

Upper Ten idees, An' there I meant to stick, an' so did

most o' th' leaders, tu, Coz we all thought the chance wuz good

o' puttin' on it thru ; But Jeff he hit upon a way o' helpin'

on us forrard By bein' unannermous, – a trick you

ain't quite up to, Norrard. A baldin hain't no more 'f a chance

with them new apple-corers Than folks's oppersition views aginst

the Ringtail Roarers ; They 'll take 'em out on him 'bout

east, one canter on a rail Makes a man feel unannermous ez Jo

nah in the whale ; Or ef he's a slow-moulded cuss thet

can't seem quite t'agree, He gits the noose by tellergraph upon

the nighes' tree : Their mission-work with Afrikins hez

put 'em up, thet 's sartin, To all the mos' across-lot ways o'

preachin' an' convartin'; I'll bet my hat th' ain't nary priest, not

all on 'em together, Thet cairs conviction to the min' like

Reveren' Taranfeather ; Why, he sot up with me one night, an'

labored to sech purpose, Thet (ez an owl by daylight 'mongst a

flock o'teazin' chirpers Sees clearer 'n mud the wickedness o

eatin' little birds) I see my error an' agreed to shen it

arterwurds :


An' read thet it's at par on 'Change, it

makes me feel deli'fle ; It's cheerin’, tu, where every man mus'

fortify his bed, To hear thet Freedom 's the one thing

our darkies mos’ly dread, An' thet experunce, time 'n' agin, to

Dixie's Land hez shown Ther''s nothin' like a powder-cask f's

a stiddy corner-stone; Ain't it ez good ez nuts, when salt is

sellin' by the ounce For its own weight in Treash'ry-bons,

(ef bought in small amounts,) When even whiskey's gittin' skurce

sugar can't be found, To know thet all the ellerments o' lux

ury abound? An' don't it glorify sal’-pork, to come

to understand It's wut the Richmon' editors call fat

ness o' the land ! Nex' thing to knowin' you're well off

is nut to know when y' ain't ; An' ef Jeff says all's goin' wal, who 'll

ventur' t' say it ain't?


An' I should say, (to jedge our folks by

facs in my possession,) Thet three's Unannermous where one's

a 'Riginal Secession; So it's a thing you fellers North may

safely bet your chink on, Thet we're all water-proofed agin th'

usurpin' reign o' Lincoln. Jeff's some. He's gut another plan

thet hez pertic'lar merits, In givin' things a cherfle look an' stiff

nin' loose-hung sperits ; For while your million papers, wut with

lyin' an' discussin', Keep folks's tempers all on eend a-fu

min' an'a-fussin', A-wondrin' this an' guessin' thet, an'

dreadin' every night, The breechin' o' the Ünivarse 'll break

afore it's light, Our papers don't purtend to print on'y

wut Guv'ment choose, An' thet insures us all to git the very

best o' noose : Jeff hez it of all sorts an' kines, an'

sarves it out ez wanted, So 's 't every man gits wut he likes an'

nobody ain't scanted ; Sometimes it's vict'ries, (they're 'bout

all ther' is that 's cheap down here,) Sometimes it's France and England on

the jump to interfere. Fact is, the less the people know o' wut

ther' is a-doin', The hendier 't is for Guv'ment, sence

it henders trouble brewin'; An' noose is like a shinplaster, – it's

good, ef you believe it, Or, wut's all same, the other man thet

's goin' to receive it : Ef you've a son in th' army, wy, it's

comfortin' to hear He 'll hev no gretter resk to run than

seein' th' in'my's rear, Coz, ef an F. F. looks at 'em, they

ollers break an' run, Or wilt right down ez debtors will thet

stumble on a dun (An' this, ef an’thin', proves the wuth o'

proper fem’ly pride, Fer sech mean shucks ez creditors are

all on Lincoln's side); BE I hev scrip thet wun't go off no

more 'n a Beigin rifile,

This cairn the Constitooshun roun' ez

Jeff doos in his hat Is hendier a drefile sight, an' comes

more kin' o' pat. I tell ye wut, my jedgment is you 're

pooty sure to fail, Ez long ’z the head keeps turnin' back

for counsel to the tail : Th' advantiges of our consarn for bein'

prompt air gret, While, 'long o Congress, you can't

strike, 'f you git an iron het; They bother roun' with argooin', an'

var'ous sorts o' foolin', To make sure ef it's leg'lly het, an' all

the while it 's coolin', So's 't when you come to strike, it ain't

no gret to wish ye j'y on, An' hurts the hammer'z much or more

ez wut it doos the iron, Jeff don't allow no jawin'-sprees for

three months at a stretch, Knowin' the ears long speeches suits

air mostly made to metch ; He jes' ropes in your tonguey chaps

an' reg'lar ten-inch bores An' lets that play at Congress, ef the "}}

du it mto closed doors;

So they ain't no more bothersome than

ef we'd took an' sunk 'em, An' yit enj'y th' exclusive right to one

another's Buncombe 'Thout doin' nobody no hurt, an''thout

its costin' nothin', Their pay bein' jes' Confedrit funds,

they findin' keep an' clothin'; They taste the sweets o' public life, an'

plan their little jobs, An' suck the Treash'ry, (no gret harm,

for it's ez dry ez cobs,) An' go thru all the motions jest ez safe

ez in a prison, Au' hev their business to themselves,

while Buregard hez hisn : Ez long 'z he gives the Hessians fits,

committees can't make bother 'Bout whether 't 's done the legle way

or whether 't 's done the t'other. An' I tell you you 've gut to larn thet

War ain't one long teeter Betwixt I wan' to an' 'T wun't du, de

batin' like a skeetur Afore he lights, - all is, to give the

other side a millin', An' arter thet 's done, th' ain't no resk

but wut the lor 'll be willin'; No metter wut the guv'ment is, ez

nigh ez I can hit it, A lickin' 's constitooshunal, pervidin'

We don't git it. Jeff don't stan' dilly-dallyin', afore he

takes a fort, (With no one in,) to git the leave o'

the nex' Soopreme Court, Nor don't want forty-'leven weeks o'

jawin' an' expoundin' To prove a nigger hez a right to save

him, ef he's drowndin' ; Whereas ole Abram 'd sink afore he'd

let a darkie boost him, Ef Taney should n't come along an'

hed n't interdooced him. It ain't your twenty millions thet 'll

ever block Jeff's game, But one Man thet wun't let 'em jog

jest ez he's takin' aim : Your numbers they may strengthen ye

or weaken ye, ez 't heppens They're willin' to be helpin' hands or

wuss'n-nothin' cap'ns. I've chose my side, an''t ain't no odds

ef I wuz drawed with magnets,

Or ef I thought it prudenter to jine the

nighes' bagnets; 've made my ch'ice, an' ciphered out,

from all I see an' heard, Th' ole Constitooshun never 'd git hier

decks for action cleared, Long. 'z you elect for Congressmen poor

shotes thet want to go Coz they can't seem to git their grub no

otherways than so, An' let your bes' men stay to home coz

they wun't show ez talkers, Nor can't be hired to fool ye an' sof'

soap ye at a caucus, – Long 'z ye set by Rotashun more 'n ye

do by folks's merits, Ez though experunce thriv by change

o'sile, like corn an' kerrits, Long 'z you allow a critter's “ claims"

coz, spite o’ shoves an' tippins, He's kep his private pan jest where 't

would ketch mos' public drip

pins, Long ’z A. 'll turn tu an'grin' B.'s exe,

ef B. 'll help him grin' hisn, (An' thet's the main idee by which

your leadin' men hev risen,)Long, ?? you let ary exe be groun', 'less

is cut ' O' sneaks thet dunno till they 're told

wut is an' wut ain't Treason, Long 'z ye give out commissions to a

lot o' peddlin' drones Thet trade in whiskey with their men

an’ skin 'em to their bones, Long 'z ye sift out “ safe " canderdates

thet no one ain't afeared on Coz they're so thund'rin' eminent for

bein' never heard on, An' hain't no record, ez it's called, for

folks to pick a hole in, Ez ef it hurt a man to hev a body with

a soul in, An' it wuz ostentashun to be showin'

on 't about, When half his feller-citizens contrive to

do without, Long 'z you suppose your votes can

turn biled kebbage into brain, An'ary man thet 's pop'lar 's fit to drive

a lightnin'-train, Long 'z you believe democracy means

I'm ez good ez you be, An' that a feller from the ranks can'

be a knave or booby,


Long 'z Congress seems purvided, like

yer street-cars an' yer 'busses, With ollers room for jes' one more o'

your spiled-in-bakin'cusses, Dough 'thout the emptins of a soul, an'

yit with means about 'em (Like essence-peddlers *) thet 'll make

folks long to be without 'em, Jest heavy 'nough to turn a scale thet's

doubtfle the wrong way, An' make their nat'ral arsenal o' bein'

nasty pay, Long 'z them things last, (an' I don't

see no gret signs of improvin',) I sha'n't up stakes, not hardly yit, nor 't

would n't pay for movin'; For, 'fore you lick us, it 'll be the

long'st day ever you see. Yourn, (ez I 'xpec' to be nex' spring,)

B., MARKISS O'Big Boosy.

than we, and am willing to wait till we have made this continent once more a place where freemen can live in security and honour, before assuming any further responsibility. This is the view taken by my neighbour Habakkuk Sloansure, Esq., the president of our bank, whose opinion in the practical astairs of life has great weight with me, as I have generally found it to be justified by the event, and whose counsel, had I followed it, would have saved me from an unfortunate investment of a considerable part of the painful economies of half a century in the Northwest-Passage Tunnel. After a somewhat animated discussion with this gentleman, a few days since, 1 expanded, on the audi alteram partem principle, something which he happened to say by way of illustration, into the following fable.

No. IV.




Conjecturally reported by H. BIGLOW.



JAALAM, roth March, 1862. GENTLEMEN, - My leisure has been so entirely occupied with the hitherto fruitless endeavour to decypher the Runick inscription whose fortunate discovery I mentioned in my last communication, that I have not found time to discuss, as I had intended, the great problem of what we are to do with slavery, - a topick on which the publick mind in this place is at present more than ever agitated. What my wishes and hopes are I need not say, but for safe conclusions I do not conceive that we are yet in possession of facts enough on which to bottom them with certainty. Acknowledging the hand of Providence, as I do, in all events, I am sometimes inclined to think that they are wiser

• A rustic euphemism for the American variety of the Mephitis.

H. W.

ONCE on a time there was a pool
Fringed all about with fag-leaves cool
And spotted with cow-lilies garish,
of frogs and pouts the ancient parish.
Alders the creaking redwings sink on,
Tussocks that house blithe Bob o' Lincoln
Hedged round the unassailed seclusion,
Where muskrats piled their cells Carthusian;
And many a moss-embroidered log,
The watering-place of suinmer frog,
Slept and decayed with patient skill,
As watering-places sometimes will.
Now in this Abbey of Theleme,
Which realized the fairest dream
That ever dozing bull-frog had,
Sunned on a half-sunk lily-pad,
There rose a party with a inission
To mend the polliwogs' condition,
Who notified the sélectmen
To call a meeting there and then.
“Some kind of steps, they said, "are

They don't come on so fast as we did :
Let's dock their tails; if that don't make 'em
Frogs by brevet, the Old One take 'em!
That boy, that caine the other day
To dig some flag-root down this way,
Hlis jack-knife left, and it is a sign
That Heaven approves of our design:
'T were wicked not to urge the step on
When Providence has sent the weapon."

Old croakers, deacons of the mire.
That led the deep batrachian choir,
Uk! Uk! Caronk! with bass that might

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