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gation. And yet, I have been trying my interest | had some reason to confide in my judgment; one
of late to serve you. Having learnt, madam, that little reason, perhaps.
you had some demands upon Government, I have, though unasked, been your solicitor there.
Miss Richland. Sir, I'm infinitely obliged to your intentions. But my guardian has employed another gentleman, who assures him of success.
Sir William. Who, the important little man that visits here? Trust me, madam, he's quite contemptible among men in power, and utterly unable to serve you. Mr. Lofty's promises are much better known to people of fashion, than his person, I assure you.
Miss Richland. How have we been deceived! As sure as can be here he comes.
Sir William. Does he? Remember I'm to continue unknown. My return to England has not as yet been made public. With what impudence he enters!
Lofty. Let the chariot-let my chariot drive off; I'll visit to his grace's in a chair. Miss Richland here before me! Punctual, as usual, to the calls of humanity. I'm very sorry, madam, things of this kind should happen, especially to a man I have shown every where, and carried amongst us as a particular acquaintance.
Miss Richland. Pray, sir, what was it?
Lofty. Why, madam-but let it go no farther-
Miss Richland. This, Mr. Lofty, was very kind indeed.
Lofty. I did love him, to be sure; he had some amusing qualities; no man was fitter to be a toastmaster to a club, or had a better head.
Miss Richland. A better head?
Lofty. Ay, at a bottle. To be sure he was as dull as a choice spirit: but, hang it, he was grateful, very grateful; and gratitude hides a multitude of faults.
Sir William. He might have reason, perhaps, His place is pretty considerable, I'm told.
Lofty. A trifle, a mere trifle among us men of business. The truth is, he wanted dignity to fill up a greater.
Sir William. Dignity of person, do you mean, sir? I'm told he's much about my size and figure, sir.
Lofty. Ay, tall enough for a marching regiment; but then he wanted a something-a consequence of form-a kind of a-I believe the lady perceives
Miss Richland. I find, sir, you have the art of my meaning. making the misfortunes of others your own.
Lofty. My dear madam, what can a private man like me do? One man can't do every thing; and then, I do so much in this way every day :-Let me see; something considerable might be done for him by subscription; it could not fail if I carried the list. I'll undertake to set down a brace of dukes, two dozen lords, and half the lower house, at my own peril.
Miss Richland. O, perfectly; you courtiers can do any thing, I see.
Lofty. My dear madam, all this is but a mere exchange; we do greater things for one another every day. Why, as thus, now let me suppose you the first lord of the treasury; you have an em ployment in you that I want; I have a place in me that you want; do me here, do you there: interest of both sides, few words, flat, done and done,
Sir William. And, after all, it's more than pro-and it's over. bable, sir, he might reject the offer of such powerful patronage.
Lofty. Then, madam, what can we do? You know I never make promises. In truth, I once or twice tried to do something with him in the way of business; but, as I often told his uncle, Sir William Honeywood, the man was utterly impracti
Sir William. His uncle! then that gentleman, I suppose, is a particular friend of yours.
Sir William. A thought strikes me. [Aside.] Now you mention Sir William Honeywood, madam, and as he seems, sir, an acquaintance of yours, you'll be glad to hear he is arrived from Italy; I had it from a friend who knows him as well as he does me, and you may depend on my information.
Lofty. The devil he is! If I had known that, we should not have been quite so well acquainted.
Sir William. He is certainly returned; and as Lofty. Meaning me, sir?-Yes, madam, as I this gentleman is a friend of yours, he can be of often said, my dear Sir William, you are sensible signal service to us, by introducing me to him; I would do any thing, as far as my poor interest there are some papers relative to your affairs that goes, to serve your family: but what can be done? require dispatch, and his inspection. there's no procuring first-rate places for ninth-rate abilities.
Miss Richland. I have heard of Sir William Honeywood; he's abroad in employment: he confided in your judgment, I suppose?
Miss Richland. This gentleman, Mr. Lofty, is a person employed in my affairs: I know you'll serve us.
Lofty. My dear madam, I live but to serve you. Sir William shall even wait upon him, if you think
Lofty. Why, yes, madam, I believe Sir William proper to command it.
Sir William. That would be quite unnecessary. [ Lofty. Well, we must introduce you then. Call upon me-let me see-ay, in two days.
Sir William. Now, or the opportunity will be lost for ever.
Lofty. Well, if it must be now, now let it be. But damn it, that's unfortunate; my Lord Grig's cursed Pensacola business comes on this very hour, and I'm engaged to attend-another time
Jarvis. Why, there it is: he has no money, that's true; but then, as he never said No to any request in his life, he has given them a bill, drawn by a friend of his upon a merchant in the city, which I am to get changed; for you must know that I am to go with them to Scotland myself. Sir William. How?
Jarvis. It seems the young gentleman is obliged to take a different road from his mistress, as he is
Sir William. A short letter to Sir William will to call upon an uncle of his that lives out of the
Lofty. You shall have it; yet, in my opinion, letter is a very bad way of going to work; face to face, that's my way.
Sir William. The letter, sir, will do quite as well.
Lofty. Zounds! sir, do you pretend to direct me? direct me in the business of office? Do you know me, sir? who am I?
Miss Richland. Dear Mr. Lofty, this request is not so much his as mine; if my commands-but you despise my power.
way, in order to prepare a place for their reception when they return; so they have borrowed me from my master, as the properest person to attend the young lady down.
Sir William. To the land of matrimony? A pleasant journey, Jarvis.
Jarvis. Ay, but I'm only to have all the fatigues
Sir William. Well, it may be shorter, and less fatiguing, than you imagine. I know but too much of the young lady's family and connexions, whom I have seen abroad. I have also discovered Lofty. Delicate creature! your commands could that Miss Richland is not indifferent to my thoughteven control a debate at midnight: to a power so less nephew; and will endeavour, though I fear in constitutional, I am all obedience and tranquillity. vain, to establish that connexion. But, come, the He shall have a letter: where is my secretary? letter I wait for must be almost finished; I'll let Dubardieu? And yet, I protest I don't like this you further into my intentions in the next room. way of doing business. I think if I spoke first
to Sir William-But you will have it so.
[Exit with Miss Richland.
Sir William [alone.] Ha, ha, ha!-This too is one of my nephew's hopeful associates. O vanity, thou constant deceiver, how do all thy efforts to exalt, serve but to sink us! Thy false colourings, Lofty. Well, sure the devil's in me of late, for like those employed to heighten beauty, only seem running my head into such defiles, as nothing but to mend that bloom which they contribute to de-a genius like my own could draw me from. I was stroy. I'm not displeased at this interview: ex-formerly contented to husband out my places and posing this fellow's impudence to the contempt it pensions with some degree of frugality; but, curse deserves, may be of use to my design; at least, if he it, of late I have given away the whole Court Recan reflect, it will be of use to himself.
gister in less time than they could print the titlepage: yet, hang it, why scruple a lie or two to come at a fine girl, when I every day tell a thousand for Sir William. How now, Jarvis, where's your nothing. Ha! Honeywood here before me. Could master, my nephew? Miss Richland have set him at liberty?
Jarris. At his wit's ends, I believe: he's scarce gotten out of one scrape, but he's running his head into another.
Sir William. How so?
Jarvis. The house has but just been cleared of the bailiffs, and now he's again engaging tooth and nail in assisting old Croaker's son to patch up a clandestine match with the young lady that passes in the house for his sister.
Sir William. Ever busy to serve others. Jarvis. Ay, any body but himself. The young couple, it seems, are just setting out for Scotland; and he supplies them with money for the journey. Sir William. Money! how is he able to supply others, who has scarce any for himself?
Mr. Honeywood, I'm glad to see you abroad again. I find my concurrence was not necessary in your unfortunate affairs. I had put things in a train to do your business; but it is not for me to say what I intended doing.
Honeywood. It was unfortunate indeed, sir. But what adds to my uneasiness is, that while you seem to be acquainted with my misfortune, I myself continue still a stranger to my benefactor.
Lofty. How! not know the friend that served
Honeywood. I have; but all I can learn is, that your heart is labouring to be grateful. You shall he chooses to remain concealed, and that all in- be grateful. It would be cruel to disappoint you.
quiry must be fruitless.
Lofty. Must be fruitless!
Honeywood. Absolutely fruitless.
Honeywood. Very sure.
Lofty. Then I'll be damn'd if you shall ever know it from me.
Honeywood. The world, by what I learn, is no stranger to your generosity. But where does this tend?
Lofty. To nothing; nothing in the world. The town, to be sure, when it makes such a thing as me the subject of conversation, has asserted, that I never yet patronised a man of merit.
Honeywood. How! teach me the manner. Is there any way?
Lofty. From this moment you're mine. Yes,
Honeywood. In what manner? I'm all impatience.
Lofty. You shall make love for me. Honeywood. And to whom shall I speak in your favour?
Lofty. To a lady with whom you have great interest, I assure you; Miss Richland. Honeywood. Miss Richland!
Lofty. Yes, Miss Richland. She has struck the blow up to the hilt in my bosom, by Jupiter. Honeywood. Heavens! was ever any thing more unfortunate? It is too much to be endured.
Lofty. Unfortunate, indeed! And yet can I endure it, till you have opened the affair to her for Honeywood. I have heard instances to the con- me. Between ourselves, I think she likes me. I'm trary, even from yourself.
Lofty. Yes, Honeywood; and there are instances to the contrary, that you shall never hear from myself.
not apt to boast, but I think she does.
Honeywood. Indeed! but do you know the person you apply to?
Lofty. Yes, I know you are her friend and mine:
Honeywood. Ha! dear sir, permit me to ask you that's enough. To you, therefore, I commit the but one question.
success of my passion. I'll say no more, let friendLofty. Sir, ask me no questions; I say, sir, ask ship do the rest. I have only to add, that if at any me no questions; I'll be damn'd if I answer them. time my little interest can be of service-but, hang Honeywood. I will ask no further. My friend! it, I'll make no promises-you know my interest is my benefactor! it is, it must be here, that I am in- yours at any time. No apologies, my friend, I'll debted for freedom, for honour. Yes, thou wor-not be answered; it shall be so.
thiest of men, from the beginning I suspected it, but was afraid to return thanks; which, if undeserved, might seem reproaches.
[Exit. Honeywood. Open, generous, unsuspecting man! He little thinks that I love her too; and with such an ardent passion!-But then it was ever but a vain and hopeless one; my torment, my persecu
Lofty. I protest I do not understand all this, Mr. Honeywood: you treat me very cavalierly. Ition! What shall I do? Love, friendship; a hopedo assure you, sir-Blood, sir, can't a man be permitted to enjoy the luxury of his own feelings, without all this parade?
Honeywood. Nay, do not attempt to conceal an action that adds to your honour. Your looks, your air, your manner, all confess it.
Lofty. Confess it, sir! torture itself, sir, shall never bring me to confess it. Mr. Honeywood, I have admitted you upon terms of friendship. Don't let us fall out; make me happy, and let this be buried in oblivion. You know I hate ostentation; you know I do. Come, come, Honeywood, you know I always loved to be a friend, and not a patron. I beg this may make no kind of distance between us. Come, come, you and I must be
more familiar-Indeed we must.
Honeywood. Heavens! Can I ever repay such friendship? Is there any way?-Thou best of men, can I ever return the obligation?
Lofty. A bagatelle, a mere bagatelle! But I see
less passion, a deserving friend! Love, that has been my tormentor; a friend that has, perhaps, distressed himself to serve me. It shall be so. Yes, 1 will discard the fondling hope from my bosom, and exert all my influence in his favour. And yet to see her in the possession of another!—Insupportable! But then to betray a generous, trusting friend!-Worse, worse! Yes, I'm resolved. Let me but be the instrument of their happiness, and then quit a country, where I must for ever despair of finding my own.
Enter OLIVIA, and GARNET, who carries a milliner's box.
Olivia. Dear me, I wish this journey were over. No news of Jarvis yet? I believe the old peevish creature delays purely to vex me.
Garnet. Why, to be sure, madam, I did hear him say, a little snubbing before marriage would teach you to bear it the better afterwards.
Olivia. To be gone a full hour, though he had
enly to get a bill changed in the city! How provoking.
Garnet. I'll lay my life, Mr. Leontine, that had twice as much to do, is setting off by this time from his inn; and here you are left behind.
Olivia. Well, let us be prepared for his coming, however. Are you sure you have omitted nothing, Garnet?
Garnet. Not a stick, madam―all's here. Yet I wish you would take the white and silver to be married in. It's the worst luck in the world, in any thing but white. I knew one Bett Stubbs of our town that was married in red; and, as sure as eggs is eggs, the bridegroom and she had a miff before morning.
I'll do what I can to please you. Let me see. All out of my own head, I suppose!
Olivia. Whatever you please. Garnet [writing.] Muster Croaker-Twenty guineas, madam?
Olivia. Ay, twenty will do.
Garnet. At the bar of the Talbot till called for. Expedition-Will be blown up-All of a flameQuick dispatch-Cupid, the little god of love.-I conclude it, madam, with Cupid: I love to see a love-letter end like poetry.
Olivia. Well, well, what you please, any thing. But how shall we send it? I can trust none of the servants of this family.
Garnet. Odso, madam, Mr. Honeywood's butOlivia. No matter. I'm all impatience till we ler is in the next room: he's a dear, sweet man, are out of the house. he'll do any thing for me.
Garnet. Bless me, madam, I had almost forgot| the wedding ring!—The sweet little thing-I don't blunder. think it would go on my little finger. And what if I put in a gentleman's night-cap, in case of necessity, madam?-But here's Jarvis.
Olivia. O Jarvis, are you come at last? We have been ready this half hour. Now let's be going. Let us fly!
Jarvis. He! the dog, he'll certainly commit some He's drunk and sober ten times a-day. Olivia. No matter. Fly, Garnet; any body we can trust will do. [Exit Garnet.] Well, Jarvis, now we can have nothing more to interrupt us; you may take up the things, and carry them on to the inn. Have you no hands, Jarvis?
Jarvis. Soft and fair, young lady. You that are going to be married, think things can never be done too fast; but we, that are old, and know what
Jarvis. Ay, to Jericho; for we shall have no we are about, must elope methodically, madam.
going to Scotland this bout, I fancy.
Olivia. How! what's the matter? Jarvis. Money, money, is the matter, madam. We have got no money. What the plague do you send me of your fool's errand for? My master's bill upon the city is not worth a rush. Here it is; Mrs. Garnet may pin up her hair with it.
Olivia. Undone! How could Honeywood serve us so? What shall we do? Can't we go without it? Jarvis. Go to Scotland without money! To Scotland without money! Lord, how some people understand geography! We might as well set sail for Patagonia upon a cork-jacket.
Olivia. Such a disappointment! What a base insincere man was your master, to serve us in this manner! Is this his good-nature?
Jarvis Nay, don't talk ill of my master, madam. I won't bear to hear any body talk ill of him but myself.
Garnet. Bless us! now I think on't, madam, you need not be under any uneasiness: I saw Mr. Leontine receive forty guineas from his father just before he set out, and be can't yet have left the inn. A short letter will reach him there.
Olivia. Well, sure, if my indiscretions were to be done over again—
Jarvis. My life for it, you would do them ten times over.
Olivia. Why will you talk so? If you knew how unhappy they made me—
Jarvis. Very unhappy, no doubt: I was once just as unhappy when I was going to be married myself. I'll tell you a story about that
Olivia. A story! when I'm all impatience to be away. Was there ever such a dilatory creature!
Jarvis. Well, madam, if we must march, why we will march, that's all. Though, odds-bobs, we have still forgot one thing: we should never travel without-a case of good razors, and a box of shaving powder. But no matter, I believe we shall be pretty well shaved by the way. [Going.
Garnet. Undone, undone, madam. Ah, Mr. Jarvis, you said right enough. As sure as death, Mr. Honeywood's rogue of a drunken butler dropped the letter before he went ten yards from the door. There's old Croaker has just picked it up, and is this moment reading it to himself in the hall.
Olivia. Well remembered, Garnet; I'll write immediately. How's this! Bless me, my hand Olivia. Unfortunate! we shall be discovered. trembles So, I can't write a word. Do you write, Garnet. No, madam'; don't be uneasy, he can Garnet; and, upon second thought, it will be bet- make neither head nor tail of it. To be sure he ter from you. looks as if he was broke loose from Bedlam about Garnet. Truly, madam, I write and indite but it, but he can't find what it means for all that. O poorly. I never was 'cute at my learning. But lud, he is coming this way all in the horrors!
Olivia. Then let us leave the house this instant, for fear he should ask further questions. In the mean time, Garnet, do you write and send off just such another. [Exeunt.
the bakers to poison us in our bread; and so kept the family a week upon potatoes.
-but he's here.
Croaker. And potatoes were too good for them. But why do I stand talking here with a girl, when I should be facing the enemy without? Here, John, Nicodemus, search the house. Look into the celCroaker. Death and destruction! Are all the lars, to see if there be any combustibles below; horrors of air, fire, and water, to be levelled only at and above, in the apartments, that no matches be me? Am I only to be singled out for gunpowder-thrown in at the windows. Let all the fires be put plots, combustibles and conflagration? Here it is-out, and let the engine be drawn out in the yard, An incendiary letter dropped at my door. "Toto play upon the house in case of necessity. [Exit. Muster Croaker, these with speed." Ay, ay, Miss Richland [alone.] What can he mean by plain enough the direction: all in the genuine all this? Yet why should I inquire, when he incendiary spelling, and as cramp as the devil. alarms us in this manner almost every day. But "With speed." O, confound your speed. But Honeywood has desired an interview with me in let me read it once more. [Reads.] "Muster private. What can he mean? or rather, what Croaker, as sone as yowe see this, leve twenty means this palpitation at his approach? It is the guineas at the bar of the Talboot tell called for, or first time he ever showed any thing in his conduct yowe and yower experetion will be all blown up." that seemed particular. Sure he can not mean to Ah, but too plain. Blood and gunpowder in every line of it. Blown up! Murderous dog! All blown up! Heavens! what have I and my poor family done, to be all blown up? [Reads.] "Our pockets are low, and money we must have." Ay, there's the reason; they'll blow us up, because they have got low pockets. [Reads.] "It is but a short time you have to consider; for if this takes wind, the house will quickly be all of a flame." Inhuman of this interview,-in order to disclose something monsters! blow us up, and then burn us! The which our long friendship prompts. And yet my earthquake at Lisbon was but a bonfire to it. fears[Reads.] "Make quick dispatch, and so no more at present. But may Cupid, the little god of love, go with you wherever you go." The little god of love! Cupid, the little god of love go with me!--Go you to the devil, you and your little Cupid together. I'm so frightened, I searce know whether I sit, stand, or go. Perhaps this moment I'm treading on lighted matches, blazing brimstone, and barrels of gunpowder. They are preparing to blow me up into the clouds. Murder! We shall be all burnt in our beds; we shall be all burnt in our beds.
Enter MISS RICHLAND.
Honeywood. I presumed to solicit this interview madam, before I left town, to be permittedMiss Richland. Indeed! Leaving town, sir?— Honeywood. Yes, madam; perhaps the kingdom. I have presumed, I say, to desire the favour
Miss Richland. His fears! What are his fears to mine! [Aside.] We have indeed been long acquainted, sir; very long. If I remember, our first meeting was at the French ambassador's.-Do you recollect how you were pleased to rally me upon my complexion there?
Honeywood. Perfectly, madam; I presumed to reprove you for painting; but your warmer blushes soon convinced the company, that the colouring was all from nature.
Miss Richland. And yet you only meant it in your good-natured way, to make me pay a compliment to myself. In the same manner you danced that night with the most awkward woman in company, because you saw nobody else would take her
Honeywood. Yes, and was rewarded the next night, by dancing with the finest woman in company, whom every body wished to take out.
Miss Richland. Lord, sir, what's the matter? Croaker. Murder's the matter. We shall be all blown up in our beds before morning. Miss Richland. I hope not, sir. Croaker. What signifies what you hope, madam, when I have a certificate of it here in my hand? Will nothing alarm my family? Sleeping and eat- Miss Richland. Well, sir, if you thought so ing, sleeping and eating is the only work from then, I fear your judgment has since corrected the morning till night in my house. My insensible errors of a first impression. We generally show crew could sleep though rocked by an earthquake, to most advantage at first. Our sex are like poor and fry beef-steaks at a volcano. tradesmen, that put all their best goods to be seen at the windows.
Miss Richland. But, sir, you have alarmed them so often already; we have nothing but earthquakes, famines, plagues, and mad dogs, from year's end to year's end. You remember, sir, it is not above a month ago, you assured us of a conspiracy among
Honeywood. The first impression, madam, did indeed deceive me. I expected to find a woman with all the faults of conscious flattered beauty: I expected to find her vain and insolent. But every