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A friend of mine, to whom I was complaining and they sometimes whip for a double reckoning. some time after the entertainment I have been de-To this club few recommendations are requisite, scribing, proposed to bring me to the club that he except the introductory fourpence and my landfrequented, which he fancied would suit the gravity | lord's good word, which, as he gains by it, he never of my temper exactly. "We have at the Muzzy refuses. Club," says he, "no riotous mirth nor awkward
We all here talked and behaved as every body ribaldry; no confusion or bawling; all is conducted else usually does on his club-night; we discussed with wisdom and decency: besides, some of our the topic of the day, drank each other's healths, members are worth forty thousand pounds; men of snuffed the candles with our fingers, and filled our prudence and foresight every one of them: these are pipes from the same plate of tobacco. The comthe proper acquaintance, and to such I will to night pany saluted each other in the common manner; introduce you." I was charmed at the proposal: Mr. Bellows-mender hoped Mr. Currycomb-maker to be acquainted with men worth forty thousand had not caught cold going home the last clubpounds, and to talk wisdom the whole night, were night; and he returned the compliment by hoping offers that threw me into raptures. that young Master Bellows-mender had got well At seven o'clock I was accordingly introduced again of the chincough. Dr. Twist told us a story by my friend, not indeed to the company, for, of a parliament-man, with whom he was intimately though I made my best bow, they seemed insensi- acquainted; while the bug-man, at the same time, ble of my approach, but to the table at which they was telling a better story of a noble lord with whom were sitting. Upon my entering the room, I could he could do any thing. A gentleman, in a black not avoid feeling a secret veneration from the so-wig and leather breeches at the other end of the lemnity of the scene before me; the members kept table, was engaged in a long narrative of the Ghost a profound silence, each with a pipe in his mouth, in Cock-lane: he had read it in the papers of the and a pewter pot in his hand, and with faces that day, and was telling it to some that sat next him, might easily be construed into absolute wisdom. who could not read. Near him Mr. Dibbins was Happy society, thought I to myself, where the disputing on the old subject of religion with a Jew members think before they speak, deliver nothing pedler, over the table, while the president vainly rashly, but convey their thoughts to each other knocked down Mr. Leathersides for a song. Bepregnant with meaning and matured by reflection. sides the combinations of these voices, which I In this pleasing speculation I continued a full could hear altogether, and which formed an upper half-hour, expecting each moment that somebody part to the concert, there were several others playwould begin to open his mouth: every time the pipe ing under-parts by themselves, and endeavouring was laid down I expected it was to speak; but it to fasten on some luckless neighbour's ear, who was was only to spit. At length resolving to break the himself bent upon the same design against some charm myself, and overcome their extreme diffi- other. dence, for to this I imputed their silence, I rubbed my hands, and, looking as wise as possible, observed that the nights began to grow a little coolish at this time of the year. This, as it was directed to none of the company in particular, none thought himself obliged to answer, wherefore I continued still to rub my hands and look wise. My next effort was addressed to a gentleman who sat next me; to whom I observed, that the beer was extremely good. My neighbour made no reply, but by a large puff of tobacco-smoke.
We have often heard of the speech of a corporation, and this induced me to transcribe a speech of this club, taken in short-hand, word for word, as it was spoken by every member of the company. It may be necessary to observe, that the man who told of the ghost had the loudest voice, and the longest story to tell, so that his continuing narrative filled every chasm in the conversation.
"So, sir, d'ye perceive me, the ghost giving three loud raps at the bed-post-Says my Lord to me, my dear Smokeum, you know there is no man I now began to be uneasy in this dumb society, upon the face of the earth for whom I have so hightill one of them a little relieved me by observing A damnable false heretical opinion of all sound that bread had not risen these three weeks: "Aye," doctrine and good learning; for I'll tell it aloud, says another, still keeping the pipe in his mouth, and spare not that-Silence for a song; Mr. Leath"that puts me in mind of a pleasant story about ersides for a song-'As I was walking upon the that-hem-very well; you must know-but, be- highway, I met a young damsel'-Then what fore I begin-sir, my service to you-where was brings you here? says the parson to the ghostSanconiathan, Manetho, and Berosus-The whole My next club goes by the name of the Harmo-way from Islington-turnpike to Dog-house barnical Society; probably from that love of order and Dam-As for Abel Drugger, sir, he's damn'd low friendship which every person commends in insti- in it; my 'prentice boy has more of the gentleman tutions of this nature. The landlord was himself than he-For murder will out one time or anothe founder. The money spent is fourpence each;ther and none but a ghost, you know, gentlemen,
can-Damme if I don't; for my friend, whom The last club in which I was enrolled a member, you know, gentlemen, and who is a parliament- was a society of moral philosophers, as they called man, a man of consequence, a dear honest crea-themselves, who assembled twice a-week, in order ture, to be sure; we were laughing last night at—to show the absurdity of the present mode of reDeath and damnation be upon all his posterity, by ligion, and establish a new one in its stead. simply barely tasting-Sour grapes, as the fox said I found the members very warmly disputing once when he could not reach them; and I'll, I'll when I arrived; not indeed about religion or ethics, tell you a story about that, that will make you but about who had neglected to lay down his preburst your sides with laughing: A fox once-Will liminary sixpence upon entering the room. The nobody listen to the song-'As I was walking upon president swore that he had laid his own down, and the highway, I met a young damsel both buxom so swore all the company.
and gay'-No ghost, gentlemen, can be murdered;
During this contest I had an opportunity of ob nor did I ever hear but of one ghost killed in all serving the laws, and also the members of the somy life, and that was stabbed in the belly with a-ciety. The president, who had been, as I was My blood and soul if I don't—Mr. Bellows-mender, told, lately a bankrupt, was a tall pale figure with I have the honour of drinking your very good a long black wig; the next to him was dressed in health-Blast me if I do-dam-blood-bugs-fire a large white wig, and a black cravat; a third by -whiz-blid-tit-rat-trip”—The rest all riot, nonsense, and rapid confusion.
Were I to be angry at men for being fools, I could here find ample room for declamation; but, alas! I have been a fool myself; and why should I be angry with them for being something so natural to every child of humanity?
the brownness of his complexion seemed a native of Jamaica; and a fourth by his hue appeared to be a blacksmith. But their rules will give the most just idea of their learning and principles.
I. We being a laudable society of moral philosophers, intends to dispute twice a-week about Fatigued with this society, I was introduced the religion and priestcraft. Leaving behind us old following night to a club of fashion. On taking wives' tales, and following good learning and sound my place, I found the conversation sufficiently sense: and if so be, that any other persons has a easy, and tolerably good-natured; for my lord and mind to be of the society, they shall be entitled so Sir Paul were not yet arrived. I now thought to do, upon paying the sum of three shillings to be myself completely fitted, and resolving to seek no spent by the company in punch. further, determined to take up my residence here for the winter; while my temper began to open insensibly to the cheerfulness I saw diffused on every face in the room: but the delusion soon vanished, when the waiter came to apprise us that his lordship and Sir Paul were just arrived.
From this moment all our felicity was at an end; our new guests bustled into the room, and took
II. That no member get drunk before nine of the clock, upon pain of forfeiting threepence, to be spent by the company in punch.
III. That as members are sometimes apt to go away without paying, every person shall pay sixpence upon his entering the room; and all disputes shall be settled by a majority, and all fines shall be paid in punch.
their seats at the head of the table. Adieu now all IV. That sixpence shall be every night given confidence; every creature strove who should most recommend himself to our members of distinction. to the president, in order to buy books of learning for the good of the society: the president has alEach seemed quite regardless of pleasing any but ready put himself to a good deal of expense in our new guests; and what before wore the ap-buying books for the club; particularly the works pearance of friendship was now turned into rivalry. Yet I could not observe that, amidst all this flat- of Tully, Socrates, and Cicero, which he will soon read to the society. tery and obsequious attention, our great men took V. All them who brings a new argument any notice of the rest of the company. Their whole discourse was addressed to each other. Sir against religion, and who being a philosopher, and Paul told his lordship a long story of Moravia the a man of learning, as the rest of us is, shall be adJew; and his lordship gave Sir Paul a very long mitted to the freedom of the society, upon paying account of his new method of managing silk-sixpence only, to be spent in punch.
worms: he led him, and consequently the rest of VI. Whenever we are to have an extraordinary the company, through all the stages of feeding, meeting, it shall be advertised by some outlandish sunning, and hatching; with an episode on mul- name in the newspapers.
berry-trees, a digression upon grass seeds, and a long parenthesis about his new postillion. In this manner we travelled on, wishing every story to be the last; but all in vain
"Hills over hills, and Alps on Alps arose."
SAUNDERS MAC WILD, president,
A SPEECH SPOKEN BY THE INDIGENT PHILOSO-
WE essayists, who are allowed but one subject| at a time, are by no means so fortunate as the wriMy honest friends and brother politicians, I perters of magazines, who write upon several. If a ceive that the intended war with Spain makes mamagaziner be dull upon the Spanish war, he soon ny of you uneasy. Yesterday, as we were told, has us up again with the Ghost in Cock-lane; if the stocks rose, and you were glad; to-day they the reader begins to doze upon that, he is quickly fall, and you are again miserable. But, my dear roused by an eastern tale; tales prepare us for po- friends, what is the rising or the falling of the etry, and poetry for the meteorological history of stocks to us, who have no money? Let Nathan the weather. It is the life and soul of a magazine Ben Funk, the Dutch Jew, be glad or sorry for never to be long dull upon one subject; and the this; but, my good Mr. Bellows-mender, what is reader, like the sailor's horse, has at least the com- all this to you or me? You must mend broken fortable refreshment of having the spur often changed.
As I see no reason why they should carry off all the rewards of genius, I have some thoughts for the future of making this Essay a magazine in miniature: I shall hop from subject to subject, and, if properly encouraged, I intend in time to adorn my feuille volant with pictures. But to begin in
the usual form with
bellows, and I write bad prose, as long as we live, whether we like a Spanish war or not. Believe me, my honest friends, whatever you may talk of liberty and your own reason, both that liberty and reason are conditionally resigned by every poor man in every society; and, as we are born to work, so others are born to watch over us while we are working. In the name of common sense then, my good friends, let the great keep watch over us, and let us mind our business, and perhaps we may at A MODEST ADDRESS TO THE PUBLIC. last get money ourselves, and set beggars at work The public has been so often imposed upon by in our turn. I have a Latin sentence that is worth the unperforming promises of others, that it is with its weight in gold, and which I shall beg leave to the utmost modesty we assure them of our invio-translate for your instruction. An author, called lable design of giving the very best collection that Lilly's Grammar, finely observes, that “Æs in ever astonished society. The public we honour præsenti perfectum format;" that is, "Ready moand regard, and therefore to instruct and entertain ney makes a perfect man." Let us then get ready them is our highest ambition, with labours calcumoney; and let them that will spend theirs by golated as well for the head as the heart. If four ing to war with Spain. extraordinary pages of letter-press, be any recommendation of our wit, we may at least boast the honour of vindicating our own abilities. To say If you be a rich man, you may enter the room more in favour of the Infernal Magazine, would be unworthy the public; to say less, would be inju- with three loud hems, march deliberately up to rious to ourselves. As we have no interested mo- the chimney, and turn your back to the fire. If tives for this undertaking, being a society of gen-you be a poor man, I would advise you to shrink tlemen of distinction, we disdain to eat or write into the room as fast as you can, and place your like hirelings; we are all gentlemen, resolved to self as usual upon the corner of a chair in a resell our sixpenny magazine merely for our own amusement.
Be careful to ask for the Infernal Magazine. DEDICATION TO THAT MOST INGENIOUS OF ALL PATRONS, THE TRIPOLINE AMBASSADOR.
May it please your Excellency,
RULES FOR BEHAVIOUR, DRAWN UP BY THE INDI
When you are desired to sing in company, I would advise you to refuse; for it is a thousand to one but that you torment us with affectation or a bad voice.
If you be young, and live with an old man, I would advise you not to like gravy; I was disinherited myself for liking gravy.
As your taste in the fine arts is universally allowed and admired, permit the authors of the In- Don't laugh much in public; the spectators that fernal Magazine to lay the following sheets hum-are not as merry as you will hate you, either bebly at your Excellency's toe; and should our la- cause they envy your happiness, or fancy thembours ever have the happiness of one day adorning selves the subject of your mirth.
the courts of Fez, we doubt not that the influence
Your most devoted humble servants,
The authors of the INFERNAL MAGAZINE.
The person who desires to raise the Devil, is to
sacrifice a dog, a cat, and a hen, all of his own in a world which he hated, and which repaid his property, to Beelzebub. He is to swear an eternal detestation with contempt, he retired to this region obedience, and then to receive a mark in some un-of sterility, in order to brood over his resentment in seen place, either under the eye-lid, or in the roof solitude, and converse with the only honest heart of the mouth inflicted by the devil himself. Upon he knew, namely, with his own. this he has power given him over three spirits; one A cave was his only shelter from the inclemency for earth, another for air, and a third for the sea. of the weather; fruits gathered with difficulty from Upon certain times the devil holds an assembly of the mountain's side his only food; and his drink magicians, in which each is to give an account was fetched with danger and toil from the headof what evil he has done, and what he wishes to long torrent. In this manner he lived, sequestered do. At this assembly he appears in the shape of an from society, passing the hours in meditation, and old man, or often like a goat with large horns. sometimes exulting that he was able to live inde They upon this occasion renew their vows of obe-pendently of his fellow-creatures. dience; and then form a grand dance in honour At the foot of the mountain an extensive lake of their false deity. The devil instructs them in displayed its glassy bosom, reflecting on its broad every method of injuring mankind, in gathering surface the impending horrors of the mountain. To poisons, and of riding upon occasion through the this capacious mirror he would sometimes descend, air. He shows them the whole method, upon ex- and reclining on its steep banks, cast an eager look amination, of giving evasive answers; his spirits on the smooth expanse that lay before him. "How have power to assume the form of angels of light, and there is but one method of detecting them, viz. to ask them in proper form, what method is the most certain to propagate the faith over all the world? To this they are not permitted by the Superior Power to make a false reply, nor are they willing to give the true one, wherefore they continue silent, and are thus detected.
WHERE Tauris lifts its head above the storm, and presents nothing to the sight of the distant traveller but a prospect of nodding rocks, falling torrents, and all the variety of tremendous nature; on the bleak bosom of this frightful mountain, secluded from society, and detesting the ways of men, lived Asem the Man-hater.
beautiful," he often cried, "is Nature! how lovely even in her wildest scenes! How finely contrasted is the level plain that lies beneath me, with yon awful pile that hides its tremendous head in clouds! But the beauty of these scenes is no way comparable with their utility; hence a hundred rivers are supplied, which distribute health and verdure to the various countries through which they flow. Every part of the universe is beautiful, just, and wise; but man, vile man, is a solecism in nature, the only monster in the creation. Tempests and whirlwinds have their use; but vicious ungrateful man is a blot in the fair page of universal beauty. Why was I born of that detested species, whose vices are almost a reproach to the wisdom of the divine Creator? Were men entirely free from vice, all would be uniformity, harmony, and order. A world of moral rectitude should be the result of a perfect moral agent. Why, why then, O Alla! must I be thus confined in darkness, doubt, and despair?"
Asem had spent his youth with men, had shared in their amusements, and had been taught to love his fellow-creatures with the most ardent affection; Just as he uttered the word despair, he was going but from the tenderness of his disposition he ex- to plunge into the lake beneath him, at once to sathausted all his fortune in relieving the wants of the isfy his doubts, and put a period to his anxiety; distressed. The petitioner never sued in vain, the when he perceived a most majestic being walking weary traveller never passed his door; he only de- on the surface of the water, and approaching the sisted from doing good when he had no longer the power of relieving.
bank on which he stood. So unexpected an object at once checked his purpose; he stopped, contemplated, and fancied he saw something awful and divine in his aspect.
From a fortune thus spent in benevolence he expected a grateful return from those he had formerly relieved, and made his application with con- "Son of Adam," cried the Genius, "stop thy fidence of redress: the ungrateful world soon grew rash purpose; the Father of the faithful has seen weary of his importunity; for pity is but a short-thy justice, thy integrity, thy miseries, and hath lived passion. He soon therefore began to view sent me to afford and administer relief. Give me mankind in a very different light from that in which thine hand, and follow without trembling wherever he had before beheld them; he perceived a thousand I shall lead: in me behold the Genius of Convic vices he had never before suspected to exist; whereever he turned, ingratitude, dissimulation, and treachery, contributed to increase his detestation of them. Resolved therefore to continue no longer
tion, kept by the Great Prophet, to turn from their errors those who go astray, not from curiosity, but a rectitude of intention. Follow me, and be wise."
Asam immediately descended upon the lake, and
his guide conducted him along the surface of the sembles the other, and indeed for obvious reasons; water, till coming near the centre of the lake, they for the earth can support a more considerable numboth began to sink; the waters closed over their ber of animals, by their thus becoming food for heads; they descended several hundred fathoms, each other, than if they had lived entirely on her till Asem, just ready to give up his life as inevitably vegetable productions. So that animals of differlost, found himself with his celestial guide in ano-ent natures thus formed, instead of lessening their ther world, at the bottom of the waters, where hu- multitude, subsist in the greatest number possible. man foot had never trod before. His astonishment was beyond description, when he saw a sun like that he had left, a serene sky over his head, and blooming verdure under his feet.
But let us hasten on to the inhabited country before us, and see what that offers for instruction."
They soon gained the utmost verge of the forest, and entered the country inhabited by men without "I plainly perceive your amazement," said the vice; and Asem anticipated in idea the rational deGenius; "but suspend it for a while. This world light he hoped to experience in such an innocent was formed by Alla, at the request, and under the society. But they had scarcely left the confines of inspection, of our Great Prophet; who once en- the wood, when they beheld one of the inhabitants tertained the same doubts which filled your mind flying with hasty steps, and terror in his countewhen I found you, and from the consequence of nance, from an army of squirrels that closely purwhich you were so lately rescued. The rational sued him. "Heavens!" cried Asem, "why does inhabitants of this world are formed agreeable to he fly? What can he fear from animals so conyour own ideas; they are absolutely without vice. temptible?" He had scarcely spoken when he In other respects it resembles your earth, but dif- perceived two dogs pursuing another of the human fers from it in being wholly inhabited by men who species, who with equal terror and haste attempted never do wrong. If you find this world more to avoid them. "This,” cried Asem to his guide, agreeable than that you so lately left, you have "is truly surprising; nor can I conceive the reafree permission to spend the remainder of your son for so strange an action." Every species of days in it; but permit me for some time to attend animals," replied the Genius, "has of late grown you, that I may silence your doubts, and make very powerful in this country; for the inhabitants you better acquainted with your company and at first thinking it unjust to use either fraud or your new habitation!" force in destroying them, they have insensibly in
"A world without vice! Rational beings with-creased, and now frequently ravage their harmless out immorality!" cried Asem in a rapture: "I frontiers." "But they should have been destroythank thee, O Alla, who hast at length heard my ed," cried Asem; "you see the consequence of petitions; this, this indeed will produce happiness, such neglect." "Where is then that tenderness ecstacy, and ease. O for an immortality to spend it among men who are incapable of ingratitude, injustice, fraud, violence, and a thousand other crimes, that render society miserable."
you so lately expressed for subordinate animals?" replied the Genius smiling; "you seem to have forgot that branch of justice." "I must acknowledge my mistake," returned Asem; "I am now con"Cease thine exclamations," replied the Genius. vinced that we must be guilty of tyranny and in"Look around thee; reflect on every object and justice to the brute creation, if we would enjoy the action before us, and communicate to me the re-world ourselves. But let us no longer observe the sult of thine observations. Lead wherever you duty of man to these irrational creatures, but surthink proper, I shall be your attendant and in-vey their connexions with one another." structor. Asem and his companion travelled on As they walked farther up the country, the more in silence for some time, the former being entirely he was surprised to see no vestiges of handsome lost in astonishment; but at last recovering his houses, no cities, nor any mark of elegant design. former serenity, he could not help observing, that His conductor, perceiving his surprise, observed, the face of the country bore a near resemblance to that the inhabitants of this new world were perthat he had left, except that this subterranean fectly content with their ancient simplicity; each world still seemed to retain its primeval wildness. had a house, which, though homely, was sufficient "Here," cried Asem, "I perceive animals of to lodge his little family; they were too good to prey, and others that seem only designed for their build houses which could only increase their own subsistence; it is the very same in the world over pride, and the envy of the spectator; what they our heads. But had I been permitted to instruct built was for convenience, and not for show. "At our Prophet, I would have removed this defect, least, then," said Asem, "they have neither archiand formed no voracious or destructive animals, tects, painters, nor statuaries, in their society; but which only prey on the other parts of the creation." these are idle arts, and may be spared. However, "Your tenderness for inferior animals is, I find, before I spend much more time, you should have remarkable," said the Genius smiling. But with my thanks for introducing me into the society of regard to meaner creatures this world exactly re-some of their wisest men: there is scarcely anv