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had a natural propenfity to gallentry; but having converfed with none but my mother's maids, I could never address my felf to a fine lady, without apparent bafhfulness. I was often laugh'd at; but was forc'd to bear it, in hopes that time and experience might bring me to what they call a modeft affurance. But all I could do fignifi'd nothing; and I had labour'd still under the fame infirmity, had not my good fortune introduc'd me to the ingenious Mrs. ARTIFICE, who was a fort of broker in affairs of love. I was overjoy'd at fuch an acquaintance, and through her pious inftructions, I fo far got the better of my modefty, that I could romp with a lady in publick, and turn out a double entendre in a full affembly without confufion of face. This refinement of behaviour in me was matter of great admiration. L----d, fays one, is this the modeft Mr. TILLAGE? Who could have thought it of him? fays another. How ftrangely he's improv'd? fays a third. Well! faysa fourth, I find he will make a cleaver gentleman after all. I need not tell you the pleasure I had on thefe occafions: I grew more and more in confidence, and the favour of the ladies: nor was it long before Mrs. ARTIFICE very graciously recommended me to the fervice of a young lady of confiderable fortune. I dreffed and danced, made vifits in form, drank tea, and chatted with great applaufe; and had certainly carried her, had not the envious world begun to talk too freely of my circumftances. In fhort, I loft my mistress by the vigilance of her friends, to my great difappointment; and forrow proportionable: and poor Mrs. ARTIFICE herself fell under the general cenfure of moft companies there: one calling her in plain terms a little crooked, ugly creature; another, no better than a down-right match-maker: infomuch, that for quietnefs fake the was forced to leave the town, and take a tour to the B-H. It was an additional concern to me, to find my guardian angel treated fo unworthily on my account. And therfore, in defence of injur'd innocence, I must take the liberty of informing the world, that, in ftrictnefs of fpeech, the preeminence of a lady's back is rather a misfortune then a fault; and that profeffion itself, for which the is fo reproach'd, is far from being difhonourable, fince it tends to the lawful
introduction of lovers into the holy ftate of matrimony. If you please to immortalize these particulars in your next journal, as being of great importance to many genteel readers of each fex, you will highly oblige,
AUG. 26, 1731.
A True Tale of a COUNTRY 'SQUIRE.
Man of wisdom may disguise
His knowledge, and not feem too wife :
But, take it for a constant rule,
There's no concealing of a fool.
Of this the inftances are plenty ;
But one may ferve as well as twenty.
A worthy knight, of good eftate,
Prov'd to be fo unfotunate,
That, with great cost and fruitless
He rear'd a blockhead to his heir.
But, hoping it would mend the breed,
Shou'd he fome prudent damfel wed,
He fent him out to court a lady,
Whose father he'd engag'd already.
But, firft, he charg'd him on his bleffing,
To keep in mind this easy leffon.
HUMPHRY, fays he, what e'er you do,
Take heed your words be very few:
For you'll be counted wife, fo long
As have wit to hold your tongue.
Then never feed too greedily
On cuftard, pudding, or sweet pye;
Left your ungovern'd appetite
Bring fhame and forrow in the night.
But JOHN fhall go, and he'll advise ye,
And, let me tell you, JoHN's no nifey.
--- Here, JoHN, d'you mind, give NuMPs a touch,
Whene'er he talks, or eats too much.
SIR, Your moft obedient fervant,
Be fure take heed he don't neglect,
To pay the old gentry great respect;
And all thy fervices express
In handsome terms, with good address.
Inftructed thus, they both took horse,
And tow'rds the lady bent their course.
Whilft JOHN perform'd the teacher's part,
NUMPS got his compliments by heart;
Which he deliver'd in fuch guife,
They thought him tolerably wife:
He held his tongue, this feem'd to be
A token of his modefty.
All pafs'd on well, 'till fupper came:
Oh hateful meal! oh hateful name,
Vile author of poor HUMPHRY's fhame
From ev'ry dish, most nicely dreft,
Th' old lady ftill fupply'd her guest,
All with astonishment beheld
His plate oft empty, often fill'd.
He eat; JoHN pull'd, and pull'd again,
Thy pulls, O JOHN, where all in vain;
For when he'd cramm'd up to the throat,
In came an apple-pye to boot.
When madam faw how fond an eye
He caft upon the fmoaking pye,
She fill'd his plate fix inches high.
JOHN gave his elbow many a twitch,
Thought he, our JOHN may kifs my
'Tis apple-pye, I'll eat my fill,
Let th' confequence be what it will.
Fatal refolve! I dread to tell
The confequences which befel.
Let fordid nightimen tell the reft,
Who relish the unfav'ry jeft.
My dainty mufe wou'd fain have done :
But truth commands, the muft go on.
'Tis for repentance now too late:
The fifh has gorg'd the flippery bait.
In the beft bed, the fquire muft lie,
And JOHN in truckle bed juft by;
Who flept, till bitter voice and
At midnight cry'd, O help! dear JOHN,
Or elfe for ever I'm undone;
For heav'n's fake find fome excufe,
The devilish apple-py's broke loofe;
And as I lain upon't, and roll'd it;
The bed's fcarce big enough to hold it.
JOHN wak'd, and thus began to pray,
The devil take all fools, I fay;
Why, choak ye, eat it up again,
And lick the fheets and bolfter clean.
What can be done? here take my shirt,
And I'll come wallow in the dirt.
Do you get up as soon as light,
I'll lye, and try to fet all right.
So faid, fo done; up got the fquire,
And JOHN lay tumbling in the mire.
He lay 'till two brifk laffes come
To make the bed, and clear the room:
Soon in the damask bed, friend JOHN.
Was fpy'd half buried in the down.
What's here? quo' NELL, as I'm alive,
The mafter rose foon after five.
Here is his man, a lazy loon,
Intends to lie a-bed till noon.
Quoth JOHN, I've had a tedious night,
That truckle bed has lam'd me quite.
I turn'd in here to take some rest,
This is a comfortable nest:
One nap, dear girls, is all I beg.
---A nap! Su, give him fome cold pig.
Come, come, fays JOHN, don't play the fool;
I'm laxative, you'll make me pull,
And ftraining hard, will force a ftool.
They pull'd, JoHN fqueez'd, and gave a grunt;
And out he leap'd----good faith, I've don't:
E'en thank your felves.-----Away ran NELL
And Su, half poifon'd with the smell.
This ftory flipt not, you may fwear,
But quickly reach'd the master's ear,
His worship, tickled with the whim,
Cou'd not forbear at dinner time
To banter JOHN; nor did he fail
T'enlarge upon the curious tail.
But, feeing JOHN with fhame caft down,
He frankly tipt him half a crown.
JOHN bow'd Young mafter fitting by,
Seeing the prize with envious eye,
Into JOHN's fob directly go,
Cry'd out aloud, why JoHN, you know
The half crown is by right my due:
"Twas I be------t the bed, not you.
Oh blunder! never to be mended;
This one wife fpeach, the courtship ended.
Home trotted JOHN in doleful dumps;
And far behind fneak'd hopeful NUMPS.
And Madam, thus diverted by her Squire,
Found out a cleanlier lover to lie by her.
Grubftreet Journal, No 91.1
ASTROPIAN GALLANTRY: Or, The
occafioned by drinking Mifs SK-TH's Health at ASTROP-WELLS; a Peach-ftone, which he once had in ber Mouth, being always put into the Glafs.
Such magick in that prize is found,
By bright MARIA taught
"HERE healing fprings, near ASTROP plac'd,
Their watry ftores fupply,
A PEACH-STONE yields the wine as fast,
And fills the glass as high.