Papa (to Friend from Town). "THERE, MY BOY, THAT'S WHAT YOU OUGHT TO DO ! GET A GEE, AND COME OUT WITH THE HOUNDS!" Little Daughter. "OH, PAPA, TAKE CARE YOU DON'T FALL OFF, AS YOU DID THE OTHER DAY!" Kathleen. The more my wrong the more his smile appears! How doth he madden me-and master me! I-I, who never knew how to submit, Nor never fancied that I should submit,Am starved for strife, stupid for lack of struggle, With Law kept bridled, and with Order saddled: And that, which spites me more thau all these stints, He does it under name of perfect love; As who should say, if I should have my will, 'Twere deadly sickness or else present death. Petruchio. KATHLEEN, thou mend'st apace! And now, my love, Will we return unto thy father's house, And ruffle it as bravely as the best, With silken coats, and caps, and golden rings, With ruffs, and cuffs, and farthingales, and things; [bravery, With orange tissue trimmed with true-blue Eschewing wearing of the green,-that's knavery. See GRUMIO there! He waits thy loving leisure To deck thy body with his boxed-up treasure. A cap of mine own choice, come fresh from town; It will become thee better than a crown. 'Tis my ideal. (Enter Haberdasher.) Wellwhat would you, sirrah? Haberdasher. Here is the hat the lady did bespeak! Petruchio. Why, this was moulded on a foreign block, leave to speak: And speak I will. I am no child, no babe: This Haberdasher would fob off on thee. And it I will have, or I will have none Grumio (aside). Then is she like to go bareheaded long! [Left arguing. Sequel-some day. OUR OLD FRIEND ONCE MORE.-Mrs. RAM has lately taken to theatre-going. She says, however, that she doesn't much care about going on first nights of new pieces, as the Stalls are full of Crickets. SWAIN SC PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.-DECEMBER 12, 1891. KATHLEEN AND AND PETRUCHIO. KATHLEEN. "I'LL HAVE NO SMALLER; THIS DOTH FIT THE TIME, AND GENTLEWOMEN WEAR SUCH HATS AS THESE." 羽 PETRUCHIO. "WHEN YOU ARE GENTLE, YOU SHALL HAVE ONE TOO, BUT-OF ANOTHER FASHION."-Shakspeare Balfourised. PAUL PRY IN THE PURPLE. (Extracts from Letters found in a German Post-bag.) To a Bishop. IT has occurred to me that your sermons are not quite as good as they should be. You do not seem to grasp your subject with sufficient strength. I have not time to come to listen to you, as I have other pressing engagements, and consequently write from hearsay. Still, I believe I have good reason for my strictures. However, that you may have an excellent example upon which to model your discourses in the future, I will myself visit your cathedral at a near date, and occupy your pulpit. I will wire ten minutes before I arrive with my sermon. To a General. I congratulate you upon the success of the recent manoeuvres. Nothing could have been finer than the manner in which the entire Army saluted me on my approach. Perhaps the bands might have played the National Anthem half-an-hour longer or so, but for all that, the effect was excellent. And now I have got a really splendid idea. And you must help me. I want to order all the troops to another part of the country without telling their offi 마다니 ELECTION RESULT CONSERVATIVE The G. O. M. Illuminated by a Ray of Sunlight (Soap). Salisbury.) THE Members of the School Board of Little Peddlington have the honour to announce that, in deference to the expressed opinion of the PREMIER OF THE UNITED KINGDOM, that it would be wise to substitute Circuses for school-rooms in the provinces, have arranged for the holding of A GRAND SCHOLASTIC GALA, on a scale of unprecedented magnificence. The Members have engaged, at considerable expense, that admirable Artist, THE COURIER OF BOTH THE GLOBES, who will, during a rapid ride on a retired cab-horse, exhibit and explain a series of gigantic maps of EUROPE, ASIA, AFRICA, AND This Star Artist will be followed by that talented troupe of relatives who for many years have drawn enormous crowds to their performances under the assumed but appropriate name of THE BOUNDING BROTHERS OF THE cers, and then, when they least expect it, you and I will order a They will go through their marvellous feats in tossing barrels general assembly. It will be such a joke to see the commanders (bearing on their sides painted letters), and thus combining amusewhen they appear on parade without any soldiers! They will be so ment with instruction. Their last act will be to keep in simulsurprised! And sha'n't we laugh! But mind, not a word to any-taneous motion a sufficient number of labelled milk-cans to spell the one until we have had our fun. As an old soldier who has deserved sentence, "Farewell to all kind friends in front." This marvellous well of his Fatherland, I rely on your discretion. double quartette will be followed by To a Theatrical Manager. THE ARITHMETICAL BICYCLIST, I was at the performances in your play-house the other evening, and, as I told you at the time, was not at all satisfied with the representation. I informed you that when I had time I would jot down my complaints, and I am now keeping my promise. I don't like the costume of the Tragedy Queen-her heels are too high and why does she wear gloves? The Low Comedian does not make the most of his part. He has to I walk about with a band-box. Now why does he not seize the opportunity to place it on a chair and sit upon it? This would have a very comical effect. I have seen it done, and it made letters) a number of interesting astro The Star-loving Pig attended by In which the former will spell out me laugh. Please let him sit upon the band-nomical facts at the instigation of his mirth-provoking master and box for the future. If he sits down accidentally proprietor. This talented performer will be followed by the effect will be heightened. It will be very funny. By the way, let all the box-keepers give programmes free of charge to officers and ladies under forty. I shall soon be at the theatre again to attend a rehearsal. I will wire ten minutes before I come, so that you may have proper time to call your company together. Till then, you incompetent sausage, you can enjoy your Lager and pipe in peace! To a Doctor. I have been reading some of the Medical Journals, and I am not quite sure whether I think your manner of cutting off a leg is the proper way. It may be, but, on the other hand, it may not. Before you cut off another leg communicate with me, and I will fix a date (as early as I can-probably within six months), when I can see your patient, and give you my opinion. By the way, do not go your rounds until you hear from me, as I may want to see you at any time. To a Coach-builder. THE UNIVERSAL KNOWLEDGE QUADRILLE. In which the entire troupe will appear on horseback, and go through the programme of studies (proficiency in which is required by the Tenth Standard) without a single mistake. The performances will then be brought to an appropriate and jubilant conclusion by A Silver Collection in aid of the Rates! STANHOPE is expected shortly to go abroad, "in order to recruit." Can even the blindest military optimist any longer deny that the British Army is a nefarious imposture, when the Minister for War is forced into an ignominious attempt to raise a body of foreign mercenaries by his own personal efforts? QUEER QUERIES.-OUR DEFENCES.-I am informed that Mr. HALF-PAY PATRIOT. means? My Pater took me to hear some fellow lecture about it the SCIENTIFIC.-Could you kindly tell me what "the Great Ice Age' other day, but I couldn't understand much of what he said. I thought he was going to talk about strawberry ices and lemon ices, which I like awfully, but he didn't even mention them! Don't you think twelve is the great Ice Age-I mean the age when boys ought to be allowed to eat as many as they like? N.B.-I am just You don't know how to make a carriage. The other day I thought of a capital idea, but, for the moment, cannot remember it. However, I fancy it had something to do with square wheels. At any rate you had better not make any more carriages until I call. I twelve. will come as soon as I can-probably before Spring twelvemonths. To a Relative. Had not time to answer your letter before. I do not in the least agree with you. I hate people who do not mind their own business. Why not attend to your own, and leave mine alone? If you do not take care, I will arrange to visit you in State! So you had better mind what you are about! TOMMY WORTH SEEING.-We understand that to the Exhibition of "Instruments of Torture," and now on view in London, have been lately added the Medici Collar, a Piano Organ, and 66 a Shakspeare for the use of Schools." MEM. BY "THE OFFICIAL RECEIVER."-" Firm as a Rock" will not be henceforth a proverb of universal application. |