MISS PARLIAMENTINA PUTS HER HOUSE IN ORDER, WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF THE COMMITTEE ON VENTILATION, ETC. OFF TO MASHERLAND. (By Our Own Grandolph.) A FEW REMINISCENCES. Imperial Parliament, with the Despot in the Chair in both Houses, all speeches, except the Despot's, limited to five minutes apiece, and no reduction on talking a quantity. Oh, for one hour of this power, and the Amphitryon be blowed! Aha! Grandolphus Africanus Protector to begin with; Grandolphus Africanus Rex to go on with; and Grandolphus Africanissimus Imperator to finish with! REMORSE AND REGRET. BEGIN to regret dinners on board the Grantully Castle. The other day was regretting the Amphitryon. Don't go so far back as the AlbemarleStreet Amphi- Now to dinner On what? Yah! tough beef, woolly mutton and tryon, quite stringy chicken. And to think that but for the Boers, the beastly Boers, satisfied with we should have had the finest teal, wild duck, venison, goslings, aspaa simple Don- ragus, French beans, best Welsh mutton, and real turtle soup every ald Currie. day au choix!! But what did the Boers do? Why, they ascertained [Mem. The that skins and feathers, and shells, were valuable, whereupon they proverb hath went to work, shot everything everywhere, sold skins and feathers, much truth in and shells! So that deer and birds hadn't a chance. If they popped it that saith, out, pop went the guns like the original weasel, which some years "Go farther ago was always popping, and the poor dumb animals with the pleadand fare ing eyes and the tender flesh were slaughtered wholesale. In this worse. e."] Sick manner, too, the game soon came to an end, as it must do whenever of chicken. The Turkey's Brumstick, inh which he shikes on his drum 4 Summon Turkeys Mher Wild 4 lis assistance With poetic has to tug at them; sort of game of poulet-hauly"-as DRUMMY Would say. Though were he here, I doubt if he would say anything. He certainly would eat nothing: probably would only open his mouth to observe, I'm off!" and then we should see him no more. Quite right. So would I-but for " my oath, my Lord, my oath! !" (N.B. This is a quotation. Sure of it. Where from? Don't know. Tragedy probably; sounds tragic. No matter. Can give it with effect in a speech, and Members turn to one another and ask, "What's that from? When they ask me confidentially afterwards, I reply with an air of intense surprise, "What! don't you know! Well!!" and I turn on my heel, leaving CHUCKLEHEAD, M.P., annoyed with himself,-"planté là" as DRUMMY would say, for being so ignorant, and for having displayed his ignorance so palpably. Off he goes to British Museum and searches for quotation. This gives him opportunity of acquiring much useful knowledge, which, but for me, he would not have had. Rather a long parenthesis this. So-on we goes again.) Grandolph and the Wild Turkey. TO THE MINES. À propos of exploring, the other day, a digger's assistant came up to me and inquired" If I had," as I understood him, "my gin pack'd." I returned that I never took spirits. Found out subsequently that word was spelt "mijinpacht," which is African-Dutch for "lease." Well, why didn't he say so before? Of course I have, and plenty of 'em; else why am I here? To-day went to see the ore in the Robinson Crusoe Mines. As D.W. would say, "The site strikes me with ore!" Much interested, of course, in inspecting the Salisbury Mine. Naturally, I put in my claim for the Salisbury. What's in a name and a family, if one can't get some good out of 'em? Intend to start the "Uncle Mine." Fine chance. Any place where there's a large and fluctuating Pop-ulation (with emphasis on the "Pop"), the Uncle Mine is a certainty." But Oh, for the "pop,"-I mean the dear old fizz,-and the older it is, the dearer it is,-at the Amphitryon. "IS LIFE WORTH LIVING?" Grandolphus Africanus. the game is so one-sided as it was here. Then, as I have said, the shells were valuable! The shells! What chance had the tortoise and the turtle? ""Tis the voice of the turtle, I heard him complain." (What's that from? That's from WATTS-eh?) What chance had the peas, however wild? or a bean as broad as one of -'s afterdinner stories? Ah! it makes me sad and angry, and once again I cry Oh, for an hour, and that the dinner-hour, aboard the Grantully Castle! Ay! even though the G. O. M. were on board; for he could appreciate the daily Currie which to me is now perdu. Well! so to dinner" with what appetite I may," and then on to Pretoria, of which place I think I shall change the name to Preradicallia or Pre-fourthpartia. You see Pre-toria implies one who was Toryer than a Tory. Aha! what is my scheme? Do you see the picture? GRANDOLPHUS IMPERATOR REX AURIFERORUM MEORUM (Latiné for "Mines") surrounded by his Pretorian Guards. SPORT TO US! Went out shooting before dinner. Killed one wild turkey, after an awful struggle, in which I very nearly got the worst of it; but fortunately the turkey was unarmed, though for all that he used his drumsticks in such a manner as in a little more would have brought flocks of other The Transvaal's the place for living in. Here life is life, be it never so lively. The only nuisance is the Boer; and the Boer's a hass, or rather a mule. That's my opinion of Boers individually and collectively; I make no concessions to them; hang 'em, they 've already got enough. If this country had been in the hands of Englishmen, or Americans, or both jointly (talking of jointly, we'd have had better dinners than we get now-but of this anon-) with a certain person whom I can mention, and who is not a hundred miles distant from the present writer at this moment, as Head of affairs, an Imperial ruler, with power to add to his number (which number would be One, and would remain so), then this country, in a very short time, would have ruled the world. What ports, what keys on to the champagnes, what railroads, what shipping, what commerce, what an scene, had I not, with great presence of mind and one small bullet "What larks! Killed four-and-twenty blackbirds all furious wild turin a row! at one shot!!!" out of my spring-pea rifle managed to crack the parchment-like skin which covers his drum, and at the same time broken one of his sticks. Then he fell. Carried him home on my back. What larks! Killed four-and-twenty blackbirds at one shot as they were all sitting in a row on a rail. They were so frightened of me, it made 'em quail!! Wonderful transformation, wasn't it? But fact, all the same. Four-and-twenty quail All on a rail. Killed eighty "Koran," a Mahomedan bird, very scarce, and therefore bring in a considerable Mahomet, or, (ahem) profit? See? Shot a "Tittup"so called on account of its peculiar action after drinking; also three early German Beerbirds, or, as the Dutchmen call them, "Spring-boks." There is another origin for this name, which is also likely, and that is that they don't appear when there's an early spring, but when the spring is rather backward then they come forward. Whichever you like, my little dear, you pays your money, &c., &c. After all these exciting adventures-"The game is cook'd, and now we'll go to dinner!"-quotation from early Dramatist, by Yours ever, Grandolph the Explour. WORTH NOTICING. O POOR Mr. ATKINSON, victim of fate, Who bowed when you ought to have lifted your hat, When the Session is over it's far-far too late, To give notice of this and give notice of that. Your attempts to be funny are amazing to see, It's a dangerous venture to pose as a wit. Though the voters of Boston may love their M.P., It may end in their giving you notice-to quit! OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. Short Papers in Magazines.-"A starry night Is the shepherd's delight," and as this sort of night is to the pastor, so are short stories in Monthly Magazines to the Baron. Moreover, his recommendation of them is, as he knows from numerous grateful Correspondents, a boon and a blessing" to such as follow his lead. He owns to a partiality for the weird, and if he can come across a brief "curdler," he at once singles it out for the delectation of those whose taste is in the same direction. But no curdler has he come across for some considerable time; but for short essays and tales to be read by ladies in some quiet half hour before toiletting or untoiletting, or by the weaker sex in the smoking room, the Baron begs to commend "THACKERAY'S Portraits of Himself," as interesting to Thackerayans, and A Maiden Speech," in Murray, for August, the latter being rather too sketchy, though in its sketchiness artistic, as, like Sam Weller's love-letter, it makes you "wish as there was more of it." Commended also by the Baron are The Story of a Violin," by ERNEST DOWSON, and "Heera Nund," by F. A. STEEL, in Macmillan. If "A First Family of Tasajara" is continued as well as it is commenced in the same above-mentioned Mac-azine, it will be about as good a tale as BRET HARTE has ever written, and that is saying a good deal, mind you. 66 Unfinished Stories-that is, Stories finished in style, yet, as another contradiction in terms, short stories without any end, are rather the vogue nowadays in Magazines. Let me recommend as specimens "Francesca's Revenge" in Blackwood, and "Disillusioned" in London Society. MISS DECIMA-HELYETT-SMITHSON-JACKSON. ONE or two of the especially well-informed dramatic critics who, of course, had seen the original piece Miss Helyett in Paris, asked why the English adapter had taken the trouble to invent nine sisters for the heroine; the nine sisters never being seen and having nothing whatever to do with the plot. Here the wellinformed ones were to a certain extent wrong. In the original French piece, Miss Helyett,-whose name, as is suggested by Woman, is evidently a French rendering for "Miss ELLIOT," which M. BOUCHERON "concluded was her Christian name speaking of herself, says to her father, "Vous savez bien, mon père, que vous n'avez pas de plus grande admiratrice que votre onzième enfant." And the Reverend SMITHSON tells her, a little later, "Jai casé toutes tes sœurs très jeunes- -" and "Je ne devrais pourtant pas avoir de peine à trouver un onzième gendre." That is why he is travelling to get an 'onzième gendre" for his "onzième enfant." The English adapter relieved Mr. SMITHSON of one of his family, and so Miss Helyett Smithson became Miss Decima Jackson, i.e., the tenth, instead of the eleventh, of the worthy pastor's family. The fact that all her sisters are married, makes single unblessedness a reproach to her. No sort of purpose would have been served by such a wholesale massacre of innocents as the extinction of all Pastor Smithson's, alias Jackson's, ten "pretty chicks at one fell swoop." "Oh, shocking!!" Miss NESVILLE, the foreign representative of Miss Decima at the Criterion, is uncommonly childlike and bland; moreover, she sings charmingly; while of Mr. DAVID JAMES as the pastor Jackson it may be said, "Sure such a père was never seen!" The Irishman, Mr. CHAUNCEY OLCOTT, has a mighty purty voice, and gains a hearty encore for a ditty of which the music is not particularly striking. Mr. PERCY REEVE has written words which go glibly to AUDRAN'S music, and fit the situations. The piece is capitally played and sung all round; and marvellous is Miss VICTOR as the Spanish mother. The mise-en-scène is far better here than it is in Paris, where this "musical-comedy" is still an attraction. HOW TO BE POPULAR. (Advice to an Aspirant.) DEAR SIR, if you long for the love of a nation, If you wish to be feted, applauded, caressed; If you hope for receptions, and want an ovation, By the populace cheered, by Town Councils addressed; I can give you succinctly a certain receipt Be detected at once and denounced as a cheat. It's as easy as lying; you eat all your cake, Sir, By adding a trifling amount to your stake, Sir, When the points of the cards show you 're certain to win. You'll be slapped on the back by the "man in the street," Who delights to sing pæans in praise of a cheat. They take the poor thief or the forger to jail, oh, Ready-made by the public, with nothing to pay. EXIT LA CLAQUE." A partir d'après demain samedi," says the Figaro for August 6:-"M. LEMONNIER, le Directeur d'été et l'auteur de Madame la Maréchale, supprime le service de la claque à 'Ambigu." When Madame la Maréchale has finished her run, will the claque be re-admitted to start a new piece? This is snubbing your friends in a time of prosperity. If the claque has the courage of its opinions-but stay, can a claque have any opinions? No: it must follow its leader; and its leader obeys orders. If ever any set of men came into a theatre "with orders," the claque is that set. Poor claque! Summoned in adversity, banished in prosperity, why not do away with it altogether, and trust to public expression Don't tell the Baron that these hints are unappreciated. He knows better. He can produce letters imploring him to read and notice, letters asking him what to read, and letters complaining that his advice is not more frequently given. Aware of this responsibility, he never recommends what he has not himself read, or what some trusted partner in the Firm of BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co. has not read for him. Verb. sap. BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. of opinion for applause? NOTICE.-Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS. No. III. SCENE-On the Coach from Braine l'Alleud to Waterloo. The vehicle has a Belgian driver, but the conductor is a true-born Briton. Mr. CYRUS K. TROTTER and his daughter are behind with PODBURY. CULCHARD, who is not as yet sufficiently on speaking terms with his friend to ask for an introduction, is on the box-seat in front. Mr. Trotter. How are you getting along, MAUD? Your seat pretty comfortable? Miss Trotter. Well, I guess it would be about as luxurious if it hadn't got a chunk of wood nailed down the middle-it's not going to have anyone confusing it with a bed of roses just yet. (To PODB.) Your friend mad about anything? He don't seem to open his head more 'n he's obliged to. I presume he don't approve of your taking up with me and Father-he keeps away from us considerable, I notice. Podb. (awkwardly). Oh-er-I wouldn't say that, but he's a queer kind of chap rather, takes prejudices into his head and all that. I wouldn't trouble about him if I were you-not worth it, y' know. Miss T. Thanks-but it isn't going to shorten my existence any. [CULCH. overhears all this, with feelings that may be imagined. Belgian Driver (to his horses). Pullep! Allez vite! Bom-bom-bom! Alright! Conductor (to CULCHARD). 'E's very proud of 'is English, 'e is. 'Ere, JEWLS, ole feller, show the gen'lm'n 'ow yer can do a swear. (Belgian Driver utters a string of English imprecations with the utmost fluency and good-nature.) 'Ark at 'im now! Bust my frogs! (Admiringly, and not without a sense of the appropriateness of the phrase.) But he's a caution, Sir, ain't he? I taught him most o' what he knows! A French Passenger (to Conductor). Dis done, mon ami, est-ce qu'on peut voir d'ici le champ de bataille? Conductor (with proper pride). It ain't no use your torkin to me, Mossoo; I don't speak no French myself. (To CULCHARD.) See that field there, Sir? Culchard (interested). On the right? Yes, what happened there? Cond. Fine lot o' rabbits inside o' there-big fat 'uns. (To another Passenger.) No, Sir, that ain't Belly Lions as you see from 'ere; that's Mon Sin Jeean, and over there Oogymong, and Challyroy to the left. ON THE TOP OF THE MOUND. Miss Trotter (to CULCHARD, who has found himself unable to keep away). You don't seem to find that old gentleman vurry good company? of a scene like this in solitude. Culch. The fact is that I much prefer to receive my impressions but I was moving on, anyway. Miss T. I should have thought you'd be too polite to tell me so; [She goes on. Before CULCHARD can follow and explain, he finds himself accosted by Mr. TROTTER. Mr. T. I don't know as I'm as much struck by this Waterloo field as I expected, Sir. As an Amurrcan, I find it doesn't come up to some of our battlefields in the War. We don't blow about those battlefields, Sir, but for style and general picturesqueness, I ain't seen nothing this side to equal them. You ever been over? You want to come over and see our country-that's what you want to do. You mustn't mind me a-running on, but when I meet someone as I can converse with in my own language-well, I just about talk myself dry. [He talks himself dry, until rejoined by the Guide with PODBURY and Miss TROTTER. Guide (to PODBURY). Leesten, I dell you. My vader-eighteen, no in ze Airmi, laboreur man-he see NAPOLEON standt in a saircle; officers roundt 'im. Boots, op to hier; green cott; vite vaiscott; vite laigs Podbury. Your father's legs? Guide. No, Sare; my vader see NAPOLEON'S laigs; leedle 'at, qvite plain; no faither-nossing. Podbury But you just said you had a faither! Guide. I say, NAPOLEON 'ad no faither-vat you call it ?-plume-in 'is 'at, at ze bataille. Podbury. Are you sure? I thought the history books said he "stuck a feather in his hat, and called it Macaroni." Miss T. I presume you 're thinking of our National Amurrcan character, Yankee Doodle? Guide. My vader, 'e no see NAPOLÉON viz a Yankedoodle in 'is 'at; 'e vear nossing. Podbury, Nothing? What became of the green coat and white waistcoat, then, eh? Guide. Ah, you unnerstan' nossing at all! Leesten, I dell you vonce more. My vader Podbury. No, look here, my friend; you go and tell that gentleman all about it (indicating CULCHARD); he 's very interested in hearing what NAPOLEON wore or didn't wear. [The Guide takes possession of CULCHARD once more, who submits, under the impression that Miss TROTTER is a fellow-sufferer. Guide (concluding a vivid account of the fight at Houguymont). Bot ven zey com qvite nearer, zey vind ze rade line no ze Inglis soldiers-nossing bot a breek vall, viz ze moskets-Prown Pesses,' you coal dem-shdeekin out of ze 'oles! Ze 'oles schdill dere. Dat vas Houguymont, in the orshairde. Now you com viz me and see ze lion. Ze dail, two piece; ze bodi, von piece; ze ball, von piece. I sank you, Sare. 'Ope you com again soon. [CULCHARD discovers that the TROTTERS and PODBURY have gone down some time ago. At the foot of the steps he finds his friend waiting for him, alone. "Leesten, I dell you vonce more." The Guide (fixing CULCHARD with a pair of rheumy eyes and a gnarled forefinger). You see vere is dat schmall voodt near de vite 'ouse? not dere, along my shdeek-so. Dat is vare PEECTON vas kill, Inglis Officer, PEECTON. Two days pefore he vas voundet in de ahum. 'E say to his sairvan', "You dell ennipoddies, I keel you!" He vandt to pe in ze bataille: he vas in ze bataille - seven lance troo 'im, seven; PEECTON, Inglis Officer. (CULCHARD nods his head miserably.) Hah, you 'ave de shart dere-open 'im out vide, dat de odder shentilmans see. (CULCHARD obeys, spell-bound.) Vare you see dat blue gross, Vaterloo Shirshe, vere Loart UXBREEDGE lose 'is laig. Zey cot 'im off and pury him in ze cott-yardt, and a villow grow oudt of 'im. 'E com'ere to see the villow growing oudt of his laig. Culch. (abandoning his map, and edging towards Miss TROTTER). Hem-we are gazing upon one of the landmarks of our national history-Miss TROTTER. Miss T. That's a vurry interesting re-mark. I presume you must have studied up some for a reflection of that kind. Mr. PODBURY, your friend has been telling me- [She repeats CULCHARD'S remark. Podb. (with interest). Got any more of those, old fellow ? [CULCHARD moves away with disgusted hauteur. The Guide (re-capturing him). Along dat gross vay, VELLAINTON meet BLUSHAIR. Prussian général, BLUSHAIR, VELLAINTON 'e com hier. I see 'im. Ven 'e see ze maundt, 'e vos vair angri. 'E say, "Eet is no ze battle-fiel' no more-I com back nevare!" Zat aidge is vere de Scots Greys vas. Ven they dell NAPOLEON '00 Zey are, 'e say. "Fine mens-splendid mens, I feenish dem in von hour!" SOULT 'e say, "Ah, Sire, you do not know dose dairible grey 'orses!" NAPOLEON 'e not know dem. SOULT 'e meet dem at de Peninsulaire'e know dem. In dat Shirsh, dventy, dirty dablets to Inglis officers. NAPOLEON 'e coaled op 'is laift vink, zey deploy in line, vair you see my shdeek-ha, ze shentelman is gone avay vonce more! Culch. (with stiff politeness). Sorry you considered it necessary to stay behind on my account. I see your American friends have already started for the station. Podbury (gloomily). There were only two seats on that coach, and they wouldn't wait for the next. I don't know why, unless it was that they saw you coming down the steps. She can't stand you at any price. Culch. (with some heat). Just as likely she had had enough of your buffoonery! Podb. (with provoking good humour). Come, old chap, don't get your shirt out with me. Not my fault if she's found out you think yourself too big a swell for her, is it? Culch. (hotly). When did I say so-or think so? It's what you've told her about me, and I must say I call itPodb. Don't talk bosh! Who said she was forward and bad form and all the rest of it in the courtyard that first evening? She was close by, and heard every word of it, I shouldn't wonder. Culch. (colouring). It's not of vital importance if she did. (Whistling.) Few-fee-fee-foo-foodle-di-fee-di-fa-foo. Podb. Not a bit-to her. Better step out if we mean to catch that train. (Humming.) La-di- loodle - lumpty - leedle - um - ti loo! [They step out, PODBURY humming pleasantly and CULCHARD whistling viciously, without further conversation, until they arrive at Braine Alleud Station-and discover that they have just missed their train. |