TWO EMPERORS; Or, the Christian Czar and The Heathen Chinee. [A decree issued by the Emperor of CHINA (in connection with the recent anti-foreign agitation in that country) points out that the relations between the Chinese and the foreign missionaries have been those of peace and goodwill, and that the Christians are protected by treaty and by Imperial edicts, and commands the Governors and Lieutenant-Governors to protect the Christians and put down the leaders in the riots.] MANY writers remark, And their language is plain, And for jealousy vain, The Heathen Chinee is peculiar, In future perhaps they 'll refrain. AH-SIN has his faults, Which one cannot deny; And some recent assaults On the mis-sion-a-ry, Have been worthy of-say Christian Russia, But the EMPEROR seems stirred Persecution to bar, Which it might be inferred That I mean the White CZAR; But I don't. On the Muscovite CESAR Such charity clearly would jar. He's always the same, And he'll not stay his hand; The poor Jews are fair game In a great "Christian" Land; But the Lord of the Pencil Vermilion Rebukes his fanatical band. A Heathen-of course! (Whilst the CZAR is a Saint) But a sign of remorse At the Christian's complaint May be seen in the edict he 's issued, Which might make a great Autocrat faint. A Christian, 'tis true, To a Heathen Chinee Is as bad as a Jew Must undoubtedly be To an orthodox Christian of Russdom, So one Emperor stones His poor Israelites, Whilst the other one owns Even Christians have "rights," And, although they 're (of course) "foreign devils," Their peace with good-will he requites. Which is why, I maintain (And my language is free) That the CZAR, though he 's vain Of his Or-tho-dox-y, Might learn from his Emperor cousin, Though he's only a Heathen Chinee! CONFIDENCES OF A MATURE SIREN. "I ADMIT I'M NOT AS HANDSOME AS I USED TO BE; BUT I'M TWICE AS DANGEROUS!" THE UNHYGIENIC HOUSEHOLDER. After reading the Reports of the Congress. I appreciate the Shrewd remarks about our lot; But the horror he evinces At our dangers, frights me not. Science in expostu lation, Shows our rules of health are wrong; But in days when sanitation Was unknown, men lived as long. If, the air with microbes thickens, I'm aware we're oft caught napping, Even with your house in order, If you go to take the air, So to speak, outside your border, Lo! the merry germs are there. Doctors vow, in tones despotic, I must dig 'neath basement floors, Lest diseases called zymotic Enter in at all my pores. PARKES, of sanitation master, Wanted "purity and light;" I'm content to risk disaster, With unhygienic night. QUEER QUERIES.-HYMENEAL.-I have been asked to attend the wedding of a friend, and respond to the toast of "The Ladies.' I have never done such a thing before, and feel rather nervous about it. My friend says that I must "try and be very comic." I have thought of one humorous remarkabout the "weaker sex" being really stronger which I fancy will be effective, but I can't think of another. Would one good joke of that sort be sufficient? A propos of the lady marksman at Bisley, I should like to advise all ladies to "try the Butts," only I am afraid this might be taken for a reference to the President of the Divorce Division. How could I work the Jackson case in neatly? Would it be allowable to pin my speech on the wedding-cake, and read it off? Also, could I wear a mask? Any hints would be welcomed by-BEST MAN. NOT QUITE POLITE.-The Manager of the Shaftesbury Theatre advertises "three distinct plays at 815, 9'15, and 10." Distinct, but not quite clear. Anyhow, isn't it rather a slur on other Theatres where it implies the plays, whether at 8:15, 9'15, or 10, are "indistinct." these circumstances, I am perfectly safe in talking French to himSOME CIRCULAR NOTES. "Mais je ne vous attendais ce matin"-I've got an idea that this is Prospect of Holiday-An_Entrée-A Character in the Opening-something uncommonly grammatical-"à cause de votre lettre que Light and Leading-French Exercise-Proposition-Accepta- je viens de recevoir "-this, I'll swear, is idiomatic-" ce matin. tion-Light Comedian-Exit-Jeudi alors-The Start. CHAPTER I. I AM sitting, fatigued, in my study. I have not taken a holiday this year, or last, for the matter of that. Others have; I haven't. Work! work! work!-and I am wishing that my goose-quills were wings ("so appropriate!" whisper my good-natured friends behind their hands to one another), so that I might fly away and be at rest. To this they (the goose-quills, not the friends) have often assisted me ere now. Suddenly, as I sit "a-thinking, a-thinking," my door is opened, and, without any announcement, there stands before me a slight figure, of middle height, in middle age, nothing remarkable about his dress, nothing remarkable about his greyish hair and closecut beard, but something very remarkable about his eyes, which sparkle with intelligence and energy; and something still more remarkable about the action of his arms, hands, and thin, wiry fingers, which suggests the idea of his being an animated semaphore worked by a galvanic battery, telegraphing signals against time at the rate of a hundred words a minute, the substantives being occasionally expressed, but mostly "understood,"-pronouns and prepositions being omitted wholesale. "What! DAUBINET!" I exclaim, he being the last person I had expected to see, having, indeed, a letter on my desk from him, dated yesterday and delivered this morning, to say that he was then, at the moment of ami DAUBINET. "He is a Flying Frenchman." advance of Mercury himself, and having written a letter in the morning to say he is coming, it is not unlikely that he will travel by the next train, arrive before the letter, and then wonder that you weren't prepared to receive him. Such, in a brief sketch, is mon "Aha! me voici!" he cries, shaking my hand warmly. Then he sings, waving his hat in his left hand, and still grasping my right with his, "Voici le sabre de mon père!" which reminiscence of OFFENBACH has no particular relevancy to anything at the present moment, but it evidently lets off some of his superfluous steam. He continues, always with my hand in his, "J'arrive! inattendu! Mais, mon cher,"-here he turns off the French stop of his polyglot organ, and, as it were, turns on the English stop,-continuing his address to me in very distinctly-pronounced English, "I wrote to you to say I would be here," then pressing the French stop, he concludes with," ce matin, n'est-ce pas ?" 66 La voilà!" I pride myself on "La," as representing my knowledge that "lettre," to which it refers, is feminine. Caramba!" he exclaims-an exclamation which, I have every reason to suppose,, from want of more definite information, is Spanish. "Caramba!" that letter is from Edinburgh; j'ai visité Glasgow, the Nord et partout, et je suis de retour, I am going on "Au revoir!" business to Reims, pour re venir par Paris, si vous voudrez me donner le plaisir de votre compagnie de Jeudi prochain à Mardi-vous serez mon invité, et je serai charmé, très charme." Being already carried away in imagination to Reims, and returning by Paris, I am at once inclined to reply, "Enchanté! with greatest pleasure." the "Hoch! Hoch! Hurrá!" he cries, by way of response, waving his hat. Then he sings loudly, "And-bless the Prince of WALES!" After which, being rather proud of his mastery of Cockneyisms, he changes the accent, still singing, "Blaass the Prince of WAILES!" which he considers his chef d'œuvre as an imitation of a genuine Cockney tone, to which it bears exactly such resemblance as does a scene of ordinary London life drawn by a French artist. Then he says, seriously-"Eh bien! allons! Cest fixé-it is fixed. We meet Victoria, et alors, par London, Chatham & Dover, from Reims via Calais, très bien,-train d'onze heures précises,-bien entendu. J'y suis. Ihr Diener! Adios! A reverderla! Addio, amico caro!" Then he utters something which is between a sneeze and a growl, supposed to be a term of endearment in the Russian tongue. Finally he says in English, "Goodbye!" His hat is on in a jiffy (which I take to be the hundredth part of a second) and he is down the stairs into the hall, and out at the door "like a flying light comedian" with an airy "go" about him, which recalls to my mind the running exits of CHARLES WYNDHAM in one of his lightest comedy-parts. "Au revoir! Pour Jeudi alors!" I hear him call this out in the hall, the door bangs as if a firework had exploded and blown my vivacious friend up into the air, and he has gone.. 66 Jeudi alors" arrives, and I am at Victoria for the eleven o'clock Express to the minute, having decided that this is the best, shortest, and cheapest holiday I can take. I've never yet travelled with my excellent French friend DAUBINET. I am to be his guest; all responsibility is taken off my shoulders except that of my ticket and luggage, and to travel without responsibility is in itself a novelty. To have to think of nothing and nobody, not even of oneself! Away! away! The effect of the above, when the metre is carefully fitted to the tune (which is a work of thousand British Blue-jackets, will doubtless be quite electrical. time), and sung by a choir (with accent) of a Parfaitement, mon cher," I reply, giving myself a chance of airing a little French, being on perfectly safe ground, as he thoroughly understands English; indeed, he understands several languages, and, if I flounder out of my depth in foreign waters, one stroke will bring me safe on to the British rock of intelligibility to say, the translation is comparatively easy. again; or, if I obstinately persist in floundering, and am searching for the word as for a plank, he will jump in and rescue me. Under NOTE BY A TRAVELLING FELLOW FIRST CLASSIC.-There's no passage in any Classical author, Latin or Greek, so difficult as is the passage between Dover and Calais on a rough day, and yet, strange A PICTURE ON THE LINE.-Sketch taken at the Equator. QUITE A LITTLE NOVELTY. 66 66 Call he joins the Royal Horse Artillery. Then, again, unlike the scene in the New Cut in The Lights o' London, there is a view by DEAR MR. PUNCH,-As Englishmen are so often accused of want night of the exterior of the Mogul Music Hall. Further, there is a of originality, I hope you will let me call your attention to an occaDoss House" scene, that did not for a moment (or certainly not sion when it was conclusively proved that at least two of the British for more than a moment) recall to my mind that gathering of the race were free from the reproach. The date to which I refer poor in the dark arches of a London bridge, in one of BOUCICAULT'S was the 1st pieces. By the way, was that play, After Dark, or was it The Streets of London? I really forget which. Then, all the characters of August last, when in the new play are absolutely new and original. The hero who will a new and bear everything for his alleged wife's sake, and weeps over his child, is quite new. So is the heroine who takes up her residence with poor original drama," but amusing showmen, instead of wealthy relatives. That is also entitled The quite new, and there was nothing like it in The Lights o' London. Trum The villain, too, who will do and dare anything (in reason) to wed Call, the lady who has secured his affections, is also a novelty. So is a produced at character played by Miss CLARA JECKS as only Miss CLARA JECKS can and does play it. Royal And there are many more equally bright and Adelphi fresh, and, in a word, original. Theatre, and the two Monstrosities. the pet was So, my dear Mr. Punch, hasten to the Royal Adelphi Theatre, if you wish to see something that will either wake you up or send you exceptions to sleep. Go, my dear Mr. Punch, and sit out The Trumpet Call, and when you have seen it, you will understand why I sign myself, to the general rule then proclaimed were Messrs. GEORGE R. SIMS and ROBERT BUCHANAN, its authors. The plot of this truly and new Yours faithfully, ONE WHO HAS SEEN NOTHING LIKE IT BEFORE. "FRENCH AS SHE IS SPOKE." From Admiral Gervais to My Lor' Maire. But if you fear not mal de mer, From My Lor' Maire to Admiral Gervais. Can't say original piece is simple in the extreme. Cuthbertson, a young gentle- But if it had been only the plot that was original, I should not have been so anxious to direct attention to The Trumpet Call. An Altared Scene. But the incidents and characters are equally novel. For instance, unlike The Lights o' London, there is a caravan and a showman. Next, unlike In the Ranks, there are scenes of barrack-life that are full of freshness and originality. In Harbour Lights, if my memory does not play me false, the hero enlisted in the Guards, in The Trumpet GERVAIS, tu vas,- LE ROI (EN GARÇON) EN VOYAGE, S'AMUSE; List of the best Sweet-stuff Shops. Ditto, ditto of what's going on, and most worth looking up in places we visit. Hand-Book to Leger de Main, with special reference to Practical Joking at State Functions, and other High Jinks! Shilling Hand-Book to Home Made Fireworks, with Permanent Order signed by War Minister for supply of necessary materials. Hyjinks and Hygiene. HYGIENE and Demography! Never before With such wonderful names has a Conference met, NEW WORK BY SIR AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS-to be included in the "Opera Omnia," by the same Author writing under a nom de plume, entitled, "Legs Taglionis; or, Little Steps for Babes in the Ballet. By a Pa' de Quatre." Also" Classes and Lasses," same series. NEPTUNE'S "AT HOME;" OR, NEICHBOURS UNITED. Of NEPTUNE's two guests and brave Neighbours United! 'Tis a good many years since they sought our white shore; As we drink to the Cause Of Shipmates for ever and Neighbours United? Yes, we know that humanity fondly may scheme Old NEP knows his great Naval Show is now on, And ARMSTRONG and WHITWORTH's huge works he's aware on; He sees what our shipwrights and gunsmiths have done To send foes o'er the Styx in the barque of old Charon. At sight of War's muderous monsters half frighted, E'en valour may pause, And drink deep to the Cause, Of Good-will among Nations and Neighbours United! But, gushing apart, 'tis a sight for sad eyes And will drink to the Cause Of Peace on the Ocean and Neighbours United! Then shout, Britons, shout, while the neighbouring crews On a friendship which to your true hearts is no treason. The Sea-God makes free of his favourite Isle The French lads he once would have shied, and with res son. Now to greet brave GERVAIS and his tars he 's delighted. Midst general applause Let us drink to the Cause. Hooray for NEP's Visitors, Neighbours United! |