But, for the R-g-t, my advice is,

We should throw in much heavier things:
For instance
-'s quarto volumes,

Which, though not spices, serve to wrap them;
Dominie St-dd-t's Daily columns,

"Prodigious!"-in, of course, we'd clap them-
Letters, that C-rtw- -t's pen indites,

In which, with logical confusion,
The Major like a Minor writes,

And never comes to a Conclusion:-
Lord S-m-rs' pamphlet-or his head-
(Ah, that were worth its weight in lead!)
Along with which we in may whip, sly,
The Speeches of Sir John C-x H-pp-sly;
That Baronet of many words,

Who loves so, in the House of Lords,
To whisper Bishops-and so nigh

Unto their wigs in whispering goes,
That you may always know him by

A patch of powder on his nose !-
If this won't do, we in must cram
The "Reasons" of Lord B-ck—gh-m;
(A Book his Lordship means to write,

Entitled "Reasons for my Ratting :")
Or, should these prove too small and light,
His -'s a host-we'll bundle that in
And, still should all these masses fail
To stir the R-g-t's ponderous scale,
Why then, my Lord, in heaven's name,

Pitch in, without reserve or stint,

The whole of R-gl-y's beauteous Dame-
If that won't raise him, devil's in't!

Consulted Murphy's Tacitus

About those famous spies at Rome,*
Whom certain Whigs-to make a fuss-
Describe as much resembling us,+

Informing gentlemen, at home.

But, bless the fools, they can't be serious,
To say Lord S-dm-th's like Tiberius !
What he, the Peer, that injures no man,
Like that severe, blood-thirsty Roman!—
'Tis true, the Tyrant lent an ear to

All sorts of spies-so doth the Peer, too.

Aug.

The name of the first worthy who set up the trade of informer at Rome (to whom our Olivers and Castleses ought to erect a statue) was Romanus Hispo; "qui formam vitæ iniit, quam postea celebrem miseriæ temporum et audacia hominum fecerunt."- Tacit. Annal. 1, 74.

They certainly possessed the same art of instigating their victims, which the Report of the Secret Committee attributes to Lord Sidmouth's agents:socius (says Tacitus of one of them) libidinum et necessitatum, quo pluribus ndiciis inligaret."

**

'Tis true my Lord's Elect tell fibs,
And deal in perjury-ditto Tib's.
'Tis true, the Tyrant screened and hid
His rogues from justice *-ditto Sid.
'Tis true the Peer is grave and glib
At moral speeches-ditto Tib.+
'Tis true, the feats the Tyrant did
Were in his dotage-ditto Sid.

So far, I own, the parallel
'Twixt Tib and Sid goes vastly well;
But there are points in Tib that strike
My humble mind as much more like
Yourself, my dearest Lord, or him

Of the India Board-that soul of whim!
Like him, Tiberius loved his joke,‡

On matters, too, where few can bear one;
E.g. a man, cut up, or broke

Upon the wheel-a devilish fair one!
Your common fractures, wounds, and fits,
Are nothing to such wholesale wits;

But, let the sufferer gasp for life,

The joke is then worth any money;

And, if he writhe beneath a knife,

Oh dear, that's something quite too funny.
In this respect, my Lord, you see
The Roman wag and ours agree:
Now as to your resemblance-mum-

This parallel we need not follow; §
Though 'tis, in Ireland, said by some
Your Lordship beats Tiberius hollow;
Whips, chains-but these are things too serious
For me to mention or discuss;
Whene'er your Lordship acts Tiberius,
Phil. Fudge's part is Tacitus!

Was thinking, had Lord S-dm-th got
Up any decent kind of Plot

Against the winter-time-if not,

Alas, alas, our ruin's fated;

All done up, and spiflicated!

"Neque tamen id Sereno noxæ fuit, quem odium bublicum tutiorem faciebat. Nam ut quis districtior accusator velut sacrosanctus erat." Annal Lib. 4, 36.-Or, as it is translated by Mr. Fudge's friend, Murphy:-"This daring accuser had the curses of the people and the protection of the Emperor. Informers, in proportion as they rose in guilt, became sacred characters.

Murphy even confers upon one of his speeches the epithet "constitutional." Mr. Fudge might have added to his parallel, that Tiberius was a good private character:-" egregium vitâ famâque quoad privatus."

"Ludibria seriis permiscere solitus."

There is one point of resemblance between Tiberius and Lord C. which Mr. Fudge might have mentioned-" suspensa semper et obscura verba.”

Ministers and all their vassals,

Down from C-tl-gh to Castles,—
Unless we can kick up a riot,

Ne'er can hope for peace or quiet!

What's to be done?-Spa-Fields was clever;
But even that brought gibes and mockings
Upon our heads-so, mem.—must never
Keep ammunition in old stockings;
For fear some wag should in his curst head
Take it to say our force was worsted.
Mem. too-when Sid. an army raises,
It must not be "incog." like Bayes's:
Nor must the General be a hobbling
Professor of the art of Cobbling;
such puns,
Lest men, who perpetrate
Should say, with Jacobinic grin,
He felt, from soleing Wellingtons,
A Wellington's great soul within!
Nor must an old Apothecary

Go take the Tower, for lack of pence,
With (what these wags would call, so merry)
Physical force and phial-ence!
No-no-our Plot, my Lord, must be
Next time contrived more skilfully.
John Bull, I grieve to say, is growing
So troublesomely sharp and knowing,
So wise-in short, so Jacobin-
'Tis monstrous hard to take him in.

Heard of the fate of our Ambassador

In China, and was sorely nettled;

Sept. 6.

But think, my Lord, we should not pass it o'er
Till all this matter's fairly settled;

And here's the mode occurs to me:

As none of our Nobility

(Though for their own most gracious King

They would kiss hands, or any thing)
Can be persuaded to go through
This farce-like trick of the Ko-tou;
And as these Mandarins won't bend,
Without some mumming exhibition,
Suppose, my Lord, you were to send
Grimaldi to them on a mission:
As Legate Joe could play his part,
And if, in diplomatic art,

The "volto sciolto "+'s meritorious,
Let Joe but grin, he has it, glorious!

A title for him's easily made;

And, by the by, one Christmas time..

Short boots, so called.

The open countenance, recommended by Lord Chesterfield.

If I remember right, he played

Lord Morley in some pantomime;*
As Earl of M-rl-y then gazette him,

If t'other Earl of M-rl-y 'll let him.
(And why should not the world be blest
With two such stars, for East and West?)
Then, when before the Yellow Screen

He's brought-and, sure, the very essence
Of etiquette would be that scene

Of Joe in the Celestial Presence !—
He thus should say:-"Duke Ho and Soo,
I'll play what tricks you please for you,
If you'll, in turn, but do for me

A few small tricks you now shall see.

If I consult your Emperor's liking,

At least you'll do the same for my King."

He then should give them nine such grins,
As would astound even Mandarins
s;

And throw such somersets before

The picture of King George (God bless him!)
As, should Duke Ho but try them o'er,

Would, by Confucius, much distress him!

I start this merely as a hint,

But think you'll find some wisdom in't;
And, should you follow up the job,

My son, my Lord, (you know poor Bob)
Would in the suite be glad to go
And help his Excellency, Joe;-
At least, like noble Amh-rst's son,
The lad will do to practise on.†

LETTER X.

FROM MISS BIDDY FUDGE TO MISS DOROTHY

WELL, it isn't the King, after all, my dear creature!

But don't you go laugh, now-there's nothing to quiz in't—

For grandeur of air and for grimness of feature,

He might be a King, Doll, though, hang him, he isn't.

At first, I felt hurt, for I wished it, I own,

If for no other cause but to vex Miss Malone,

(The great heiress, you know, of Shandangan, who's here, Showing off with such airs, and a real Cashmere,+

*Mr. Fudge is a little mistaken here. It was not Grimaldi, but some very inferior performer, who played this part of "Lord Morley" in the pantomime, --so much to the horror of the distinguished Earl of that name. The expostulatory letters of the Noble Earl to Mr. H-rr-s, upon this vulgar profanation of his spick-and-span-new title, will, I trust, some time or other, be given to the world.

+ See Mr. Ellis's account of the Embassy.

See Lady Morgan's "France" for the anecdote, told her by Madame de Genlis, of the young gentleman whose love was cured by finding that his mistress wore a shawl" 'peau de lapin."

While mine's but a paltry, old rabbit-skin, dear !)
But says Pa, after deeply considering the thing,
"I am just as well pleased it should not be the King;
As I think for my Biddy, so gentille and jolie,

Whose charms may their price in an honest way fetch, That a Brandenburgh ”—(what is a Brandenburgh, Dolly ?)——— "Would be, after all, no such very great catch.

If the R-g-t indeed-" added he, looking sly-
(You remember that comical squint of his eye)

But I stopped him with "La, Pa, how can you say so,
When the R-g-t loves none but old women, you know!"
Which is fact, my dear Dolly-we, girls of eighteen,
And so slim-Lord, he'd think us not fit to be seen;
And would like us much better as old-ay, as old
As that Countess of Desmond, of whom I've been told
That she lived to much more than a hundred and ten,
And was killed by a fall from a cherry-tree then!
What a frisky old girl! but-to come to my lover,
Who, though not a King, is a hero I'll swear,-
You shall hear all that's happened, just briefly run over,
Since that happy night, when we whisked through the air!

Let me see 'twas on Saturday-yes, Dolly, yes-
From that evening I date the first dawn of my bliss ;
When we both rattled off in that dear little carriage,
Whose journey, Bob says, is so like Love and Marriage,
'Beginning gay, desperate, dashing, down-hilly,
And ending as dull as a six-inside Dilly!"*
Well, scarcely a wink did I sleep the night through,
And, next day, having scribbled my letter to you,
With a heart full of hope this sweet fellow to meet
I set out with Papa, to see Louis Dix-huit
Make his bow to some half-dozen women and boys,
Who get up a small concert of shrill Vive le Rois-
And how vastly genteeler, my dear, even this is,
Than vulgar Pall-Mall's oratorio of hisses!

The gardens seemed full-so, of course, we walked o’er 'em,
'Mong orange-trees, clipped into town-bred decorum,
And daphnes, and vases, and many a statue
There staring, with not even a stitch on them, at you!
The ponds, too, we viewed-stood awhile on the brink
To contemplate the play of those pretty gold fishes-
"Live bullion," says merciless Bob, "which, I think,
Would, if coined, with a little mint sauce, be delicious!"

But what, Dolly, what is the gay orange-grove,
Or gold fishes to her that's in search of her love?
In vain did I wildly explore every chair

Where a thing like a man was-no lover sate there!
In vain my fond eyes did I eagerly cast

At the whiskers, mustachios, and wigs that went past,

* The cars, on the return, are dragged up slowly by a chain.