pug-faced young man in the cutaway garment, who eyes But he plays the game as one that loveth it, hugging the bowl caressingly, as a miser his money-bag, and eyeing the "jack as keenly as an angler eyeth his bobbing float when a big fish is nibbling thereat, and the creel is empty, and supper-time draweth nigh, and the inner man speaketh sharply forth in favour of grill and goblet. Verily, 'tis a little game, this British Bowls, that a man loveth not so much in proportion to his patriotism as to-well, other considerations that need scarce be set down in detail here. Skill thereat, like unto success on the Stock Exchange or in the juggling diplomacies of parchment and protocol, argueth little for a man's merit as citizen, state-servant, or patriot. 66 A murrain on it!" muttereth one standing by, a small but sturdy and striking-looking personage, with ultraaquiline beak, and back adorned with a sort of decorative jib-boom, "Here be fellows calling themselves Supervisors of Her Majesty's Services, yet are they playing, as it were, ducks and drakes in the day of danger. A petty game, and an unpatriotic. Blurt for them, sneak-ups! say I. I share old Admiral HAWKINS's scorn of croakers. As the outspoken Admiral hath it, 'These same beggarly croakers be only fit to be turned into yellow-hammers up to Dartymoor, and sit on a tor all day, and cry, Very little bit of bread, and no chee-e-se!" Many alarmist scribes and factious ex-officials there be whom I should rejoice to see served incontinently in such sort. The yowling yellow-hammers only so cry what time they are out in the cold. Snug-nested, and safely perched, they pipe rose-water optimism of a shallow sort every whit as pernicious, in its own foolish way, as the frog-like cacophony of the croakers. I'figs, were I Admiral of 66 THRIFT. the Fleet, with such marsh-murmurers and parrot- Highlander (he had struck his foot against a "stane"). "PHEW-TS-E-EH WHAT A prattlers on board, I'd hang the whole herd of them as high as HAMAN, if they didn't clap tompions in their muzzles pretty fast. Marry, sneak-up, say I again. But for this same game pitiful with British bullion for bowls, and British honour for stake, I hold that no true But who cometh here now?" man 66 Captain C- -E B -D, as I'm a sinner." "Is the fellow mazed or drunk, then? or has he seen a ghost? Look to mun!" I think so, truly," said H-N. "His eyes are near out of his head." 66 DING MA PUIR BUIT WAD A GETTEN IF A'D HAD IT ON!!" NAVAL INTELLIGENCE; OR, WHAT MAY BE EXPECTED UP TO DATE. HER MAJESTY'S ironclad, Staggerer, having yesterday taken her crew on board with a view to joining in the forthcoming Naval Demonstration, but being still unprovided with her guns, it was determined, before she started, to test her capabilities of offence as a war-ship by a little preliminary ramming" practice. The harbour being crowded at the time, afforded a The man was a rough, rollicking, beardless young sea-favourable opportunity for essaying the test in question. The operation, which dog, who had just burst in from the tavern through the appeared to create some surprise among the local shipping, was in every way low hatch, upsetting a drawer with all his glasses, and successful, a passenger steamer, several yachts, three or four colliers, and a now came panting and blowing up to the First Lord of steam-dredger being in turn all sent to the bottom in a remarkably short space the Admiralty. of time by the Staggerer accomplishing its task with perfect facility, as it made several vigorous and unexpected runs up and down the wreck-strewn water. It is rumoured that the incident will probably form the basis of an official inquiry. "My Lord, my Lord! They're coming! I saw them off the Lizard last night." "Who? my good Sir, who seem to have left all your manners behind you." "The Armada, your Lordship,-the enemy! But as for my manners, 'tis no fault of mine, for, as manners count among Party popinjays, I never had none to leave behind me.' "What wilt drink, man?" said the first bowl-player, blandly. "First Lord H-N, First Lord H- -N, this is no time for bowls, whether for toping or throwing!" cried the eagle-beaked bystander aforementioned. "Why not, then, my PUNCHIUS? Come S- -B, we'll play our nice little game out before we move. It will be twelve good months before we can be fit to tackle them, so an odd half-hour can't matter." "I must command the help of your counsel, First Lord," said Lord CHARLES, turning to H- -N. "And it's this, my good Lord," said H-N, looking up as he aimed his bowl, "How slow soever they come, they'll come far too fast for us to be aught like ready; so let no man vainly hurry himself. And, as example is better than precept, here goes! A rather serious accident is reported as having occurred yesterday afternoon on board Her Majesty's belted cruiser Perambulator. It appears that the Purser's Mate having dropped a three-penny bit in the magazine, incautiously entered it with a lighted candle, and letting a spark fall on the fifteen tons of powder stored there, ignited the whole, with the result of blowing out the ship's bottom, and otherwise seriously disabling her. It is said that the occurrence will, in all probability, form the subject-matter of an official inquiry. Last evening, the turret-ship Boot-jack, while slipping her cables for the night, suddenly headed on towards the ironclad Magog, and as she was bearing down on her, the order to "go ahead at full speed" having by some unaccountable mischance been given instead of that to go astern," an inevitable collision was the result. The Magog had an entire watertight compartment stove in, while the whole of the bows of the Boot-jack were carried clean away, and both of the vessels were towed inshore in a sinking condition by the rest of the Fleet. It is reported that the untoward contretemps will very likely afford material for an official inquiry. Last night there was again the usual collision in the dark among the torpedo boats, and three more went to the bottom. It is rumoured that the affair will shortly become the subject-matter of an official inquiry. ROBERT AT THE ACADEMY. No. 26. Ah, I'm not at all surprized at the gorgeus but disgusted Footman looking quite ashamed at having to carry the Baby's Nore's Ark from the Stores! or that all the pore peeple as is a buying their wittles and drink shood look so estonished at the meanness of the grand Carridge Peeple, and all jest to save a paltry sixpense or so. No. 126. The Burden of many years.' ."Ah, poor thing, if she's had to carry that big bundle for ever so many years she must be pretty well tired of it I shood think. I nose as I shood be, but, thank goodness, that hasn't bin much in my line. Waiters wonts pashence and manners rather than mere brute strength. No. 288. The Ghost of a Patient. The Parsons all looks perfecly satisfide with things in gineral and theirselves in perticklar, as they ginerally does. As usual, No. 198, Sir R. HANSON, Bart., X-Lord Mare, carries off the Parm Tree. What a costoom! how all the other sillybreties hides their diminished heds and looks the other way at sight of his Jubilee Robes. His late Lordship seems about to say, 66 Bless you, my peeple!" No. 348. Well, I do like cheek! The idear of saying as Sent Martin's Church is in the feelds! when we all knows, speshally all raddicles, as it's in Trafalgar Square. But the hutter hignorance of sum hartists in many well-known matters is sumthink ardly creddible. No. 360. The young coupple as is having of their nice little bit of chat, had better look sharp about it, for the old Lady, as pertends to be asleep, has evidently got one eye open. No. 364 is called "the Garden of Eden," so praps I had better leave it to my reader's emagenashun, for I reelly haven't the imperance to elude to it farther No. 139. "Tria Juncta in Uno." than to say, that if that sort of thing had continued, I don't see how on airth we could have found employment for the wurking classes. ROBERT. "QUITE A LITTLE (ROMAN) HOLIDAY." (A Page from History, more or less remote.) THE day for the Triumph of TITUS had arrived. It had been delayed for a season, as it had been desired (to quote a print of the period) "that the Italian Exhibition, per se, should first win its spurs' on its own merits." Again to refer to the same authority, "it had done so, and the Colosseum was opened with a view to give Englishmen some idea of Ancient Roman Sports and Pastimes in a more realistic form than had ever been previously attempted." And, to more fully carry out this intention, the Directors of the "spurred" (and possibly "booted") Exhibition, made a charge, varying from sixpence to 368., to those Members of the British Public who desired to avail themselves of the boon thus generously offered to them. The Colosseum itself had a strange appearance. One-half of it was filled with a motionless audience of persons in the costume of Ancient Rome, while the other moiety contained a few languid spectators, garbed in the costume appertaining to the close (or rather clothes) of the Nineteenth Century. There was a flourish of trumpets, followed by music, in an orchestra of exceptionally early Romans, whose instruments, however, were of far more recent date, and then the Triumph of TITUS commenced. diate predecessors), and Slaves. It was a motley throng, and one that certainly gave to Englishmen some idea of Ancient Roman Sports and Pastimes in a more realistic form than had ever been previously attempted." And as the beholders came to this conclusion they murmured to themselves, "So it is written in the programmegood old programme!" TITUS and his illustrious Consort having taken their places in a sort of roomy and draughty private box, the Sports and Pastimes commenced. First there were wrestling bouts" that gave not only an excellent idea of Ancient Rome, but also an admirable recollection of modern everywhere else. Then followed foot-races that were as full of local colouring as the wrestling bouts." These over, and the gladiatorial combats" commenced. They were certainly peculiar, especially a contest set down in the official programme as "the Roman Quintet." Not surprisingly, the quintet consisted of five men-a gentleman with a sword and four warriors in helmets, shields and weapons all complete. The gentleman with the sword (who wore the unpretending costume of an acrobat) for a while indulged in a fight of two to music which fight of two gave some idea of the combats once popular in the minor theatres of the mighty Metropolis. Wearying of this, he produced a second sword, and, still to music, engaged in a contest with all four of the warriors, frequently waltzing about in their midst. This eccentric behaviour apparently caused the warriors to die of fright, and consequently left the acrobat master of the field, and ready to receive a wreath from the Emperor as a token of his victory. The "gladiatorial combats" were followed by some chariot-races that rather suggested the idea that the animals engaged therein might possibly belong to that useful breed of steeds known to the moderns as (( wild omnibus horses." Then came a contest between "the net and trident," which caused less awe than merriment. Ultimately one of the gladiators was wounded, and appealing in vain to three vestals of substantial proportions, who indulged in "police verso," for mercy, was done to death. Then it was that his conqueror tried to drag him out of the arena. For some time the dead man was motionless, but the journey being a long one, his legs ultimately became revivified, and obligingly assisted in the rest of his lifeless form's removal. After this came to quote the programme benevolent and ancient document!-"the teaching of the Young Gladiators." This instruction proved to be a dancing lesson, and "the Young Gladiators," to judge from their physique, might have taken part in the days of their youth in a Burlesque at the Gaiety or a Ballet at the Alhambra. More "Ancient Roman Sports and Pastimes" followed, and then, with a grand processional march, the Triumph of TITUS ended, never to be seen again, save at the hours of "4 and 8.30, wet or dry, daily." And as the small crowd of languid spectators dispersed, one of the more languid (thinking of the Wild West and the Paris Hippodrome of a bygone day) murmured to himself, "Wet or dry-wellbeloved and antiquated announcement!-again and again, good old programme!'"' And this correction of Mr. BLUNDER MAPLE'S-(name altered for the occasion)-was received with "laughter." But wasn't he perfectly right at first? What better training could there be for the honourable position of an Alderman,-which counts for something in the commercial world, than a course of stuffing"? And as a " stuffer," if he only stuffed enough, he might at last rise to be a good old-fashioned English Mayor of the traditional type. For these are degenerate days. We haven't had a stout Lord Mayor for some years; there's scarcely a portly Alderman to be found in the whole Court, and not a nose of any importance worthy of the Ward of First came a line of Roman Guards, whose helmets were brave fine old crusted Portsoken. No Blunder, MAPLE, but you're absowith coloured worsted. They were succeeded by rows (fully ten lutely right; and if an improvement can be introduced into the City men to every one of them) of Etruscans, Gauls, Legionaries, and Pre-breed of Mayors, the Sweating Commissioners will not have sat, and torians. They, in their turn, were followed by Gladiators, Young Mr. MAPLE'S evidence on stuffing boys" will not have been given, Gladiators" (who seemed well qualified to accept engagements of a in vain. The problem, "What to do with our Boys," is solved. Make Terpsichorean character), Lictors, and many others. Then came the them "stuffing Boys"; and, like other boys, they have only to Emperor and Empress standing (somewhat unsteadily) in a chariot, cram" sufficiently, to be able to rise (sounds difficult for any boy remarkable chiefly for an entire absence of springs. They were suc"stuffed" or 66 crammed")-to any position in the commercial world, ceeded by more Young Gladiators," Consuls, Vestals (judiciously and become worthy members of the Big Corporation and full-sized veiled), Matrons (seemingly not many years older than their imme-Lord Mayors. 66 OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. GUIDE-BOOKS at this time of year are our principal reading: MURRAY come up! or in this instance, BLACK come up! as he is first in the field, though the field is, just now, likely to be uncommonly sloppy. Where shall we go? I look wistfully at Black's Ireland. Don't like the association: Ireland's black enough just now; but "dark's the hour before the dawn," and we'd prefer to go in broad daylight. Here's Black's Guide to the Isle of Wight. Worth knowing, this. Black's Wight, for once. Delightful short trip. Yorkshire is the next "Black" Country that's out, and after that Derbyshire. Why not for once and away try the Home remedies provided at Harrogate, or Buxton, instead of Aix and Homburgh? You will find the merits set forth in Black-and white. Give the "Continong" a rest for a bit. "Better," says the village Hamlet, "to bear the aches you have, than fly to others (Air in Savoy, Aix in Germany) that you know quite enough of." I have been there, and still wouldn't go,-not except upon compulsion. As for the seaside, well, the best air anywhere is to be got in the Isle of Thanet (which doesn't want Home Rule at present, and is perfectly satisfied with a decreased majority against it) whether you go to Blushing Birchington-on-Sea, to the Wild Westgate, to Merry Margate, Baby Broadstairs, or Refreshing Ramsgate. 66 The GERMAN REEDS have a lively entertainment just now, entitled Wanted an Heir-to which I reply, "The Air of Thanet is all you can possibly want." But there are more seasides than one to this question, and Black's move on the board is Whitby, Bridlington, and Scarborough, the first being far and away--well, it is "far,'" and a considerable "" way from London-the best. The Tourist must not forget to take Tracked Out with him. The title is suggestive of a guide-book, but it isn't anything in that line. It is a sensational shilling novel, written by ARTHUR À BECKETT, who is the author of Fallen among Thieves, The Ghost of Greystone Grange, The Mystery of Mostyn Manor, and who will, no doubt, in due time produce Picked up among Pickpockets, The Filtered Phantom of Felkirk's Folly, and The Crime of Cricklewood Creek. It is midnight, and I have just opened the book. The lights burn blue. To bed! To bed! To bed! Hark! Who's that knocking Yours, from under the bed-clothes, THE BRAVE BARON DE BOOK WORMS. at the door? A MUSIC SCORE. Tuesday-Un Ballo in Maschera. Fairly good all round, as a Ballo ought to be. JEAN DE RESZKÉ plays splendidly., Good point that of his, making a pause just before" E Scherzo." "I think MARIO used to do it," says ALFR-D W-TS-N, who wanted to follow the score closely, but, having so many sporting and dramatic things to think of, has brought a volume of the Badminton Library by mistake. Very annoying," he says, "but between Acts can read the Duke of BEAUFORT'S preface; always amuses me,-nearly as good as first chapter of Pickwick." "DE RESZKE's first-rate in E Scherzo,' eh?" says H-R-CE F-RQ-H-R, appealing to H.R.H.'s Attorney-General. "First-rate!" returns the Attorney; reminds me of a chap in some burlesque who used to sing, Let Dogs delight to Bark and Bite' to the same tune. Went wonderfully, begad." "I remember," observes Lord R-V-LST-KE, "it was in a classical burlesque-Gods and Goddesses-all the Olympians." At this moment Lord L-TH-M looks into the Omnibus Box, but catching the word "Olympians" withdraws. 66 M. LASSALLE rather cold, but warms up for "Eri tu," which, it strikes me, he sings to perfection. "That's a pretty compliment to the audience," observes a gallant Major A.D.C. to Mr. ALFR-D, who smiles sweetly, but remembers something similar having been said by SYDNEY SMITH, and glides away from vicinity of the Major. ARNOLDSON'S face and voice both pretty. Madame ROLLA not so effective here as she was when representing one of the Don Giovanni's easy victims, not quite such a Rollaking part. SCALCHI, as Ulrica, of course, where would Un Ballo be without SCALCHI? "Where, indeed!" sighs the composer who writes under the name of WALTER AUSTIN (and for a very good reason); "but," he adds, kindly, "if SCALCHI only had a few lessons from me, you'd see what an Ulrica she'd be!" Mise-en-scène unexceptionable. Total,-good; but not the best thing this Season. Wednesday.-Day out for Operatic Birds. DRURIOLANUS gives grand "Three o'Clock" at St. James's Hall. Goes "like One o'Clock." ALBANI, NORDICA, RAVELLI, & Co. is beaming again at the appearance of an entirely new set of ballet costumes worn by Merry Swiss Girls, Merry Swiss Boys, and a novel objects C-MPB-LL CL-RKE, who lives on the Continent, and knows array of Bounding Swiss Beefeaters. "Can't be Swiss Beefeaters," more of Switzerland than most people would imagine; "must be Goateaters." Then he whispers in my ear, "Je pars pour Paris demain-beg pardon-I mean I'm off to Parry to-morrow; give you my idea of political situation, little sketch-when this you see, remember me," and he bestows this upon me as parting gift. the 66 66 com Déroulède and Boulanger. "Not yet. We have another move!" Mlle. BAUERMEISTER as Little Jemmi. Might as well put "Little BIL-LEE," into Italian Opera. As a matter of fact, "Big BILLEE" is in it, being Guglielmo himself, played by LASSALLE. What a pair of conspirators, ÉDOUARD DE RESZKE as Walter (not of The Times, but of this Opera), and LASSALLE as William! Both " very fine and large." Little Arnoldo (M. PRÉVOST) shouts his loudest against them, but he's only "a mealy-mouthed constitutional Leader,” only a foolish O'DONNELL or a mildly genial JUSTIN M'CARTHY against the gigantic Swiss PARNELL and DAVITT, "nobly struggling to be free." This is an Opera that Floral HALL enjoys. He looks upon Guglielmo Tell as a Home Rule work, and wishes the G.O.M. were here, instead of gardening-partying at Dollis Hill. "Dollis," says the Floral One, very much in earnest, "sounds too like Marionettes, but here's the real thing." Ah," sighs S-TH-RL-ND EDW-RDS, who remembers the palmy, and the GRISI, days, pared with MARIO, all modern tenors are but Marionettes"-and down this goes in his note-book, in which, like Count Smorltork, he is collecting material for his next new book to be entitled, Changing Tenors, a companion to his latest Prima Donna in two vols. Act First ends with the excited exit of EDOUARD DE RESZKÉ and DE VASCHETTI going out toboganning, and disappearing down a steep incline. Act Second ends magnificently. Act Third ends noisily. The pippin has been shot off little JEMMY BAUERMEISTER-SINGER'S head, and when presented to Grim Gessler (Signor MIRANDA), the Tyrant of the Tyrol, proves to be an apple of discord. Act IV. An apple-no, an appeal to the Cantons Suivez moi!" by ARNOLD, who, with a sword, goes through ARNOLD'S exercises, rescues The Grand Old WILLIAM, saves the boy, is married to MATILDA MCINTYRE, a Scotch Italian-(same sort of family combination as The Scotch Italian, MCIAVELLI)-who has done what was expected of her in firstrate style. So in Guglielmo Tell, or the Story of the Apple, all ends Apple-ly, as it ought to do. Don't think Tell a heavy Opera, not as done here to-night: full of life,-" Tell" est la vie. Too long; not life, but Opera. Saturday.-Considerable excitement to hear new Carmen. Everybody here, and very soon Everybody likes Mlle. ZELIE DE LUSSAN. Gallant and-far-from-Rustic SWAINE, Major A.D.C., says, with best French accent, "Can't have trop de Zélie here." Applause. After First Act bosquets, not bouquets, carried up on to stage. Out of one of these Pretty Prima Donna wrenches flowering shrub, as a Reward for RAVELLI, the Reliable. After Second Act, same business with Signor MANCINELLI, who receives small tree for his good conducting and for his knowledge of music in all its branches. Too much of this Floral Tributing. Occurring so frequently, it looks like a "regular plant." Brilliant house and brilliant performance. Toreador DRURIOLANUS contento. Thursday." Guglielmo," or our old friend "William" Tell. Big House. Bless my dear eyes! what, William!" exclaims Lord CHARLES, and splits a pair of brand-new white kids when applauding the grand trio and magnificent chorus at the end of Second Act. He knew it would be a success. "Sure, didn't I 'Tell' you so?" says the Deputy Judge Advocate General to DRURIOLANUS, who Cox are satisfied." (Curtain.) TAG FOR THE RECENT JOCKEY CASE.-"Then (Jury) Box and A NEW FLEXIBLE, PATENT-JOINTED, VERTEBRAL OUTRIGGER. (SEEN-AND DRAWN-BY OUR ARTIST (THE FESTIVE ONE), AFTER AN OUR "MUTUAL FRIEND." The projected visit of the Emperor of GERMANY to the CZAR is (says the Times Paris Correspondent) "considered to be a guarantee of peace, in view of the present disposition manifested by the young Emperor, which must be accepted as sincere.' PEACE loquitur : - The vision of the Shipka horrors haunts you? The trump of Armageddon lures not you? Well, if the prospect of my rule enchants you, I hold it to your view. BAH! BAR! Or, the Duties of a Counsel Defined by Webster. Client. If you please, Sir, may I see you without the intermediary of a Solicitor! Barrister. Certainly, my dear Sir, under certain conditions. But I will not bother you about those for a moment. Perhaps, first, MUST be accepted! Well, I'm sure I'm The stricken sire, the aged grandsire vanished. you had better state your case? willing To hail the slightest reason for such trust, Although the Haunting war-hosts Europe filling May somewhat mar the optimistic "must"; A guarantee of Peace? I've known so many; And who will guarantee the guarantors? The Emperor, old or young, must be a zany Who yearns for wanton wars. bless me Most earnestly when most prepared to fight, And those who seem most eager to caress me Are readiest to smite. Still, I'd fain hope that "present disposition," May be perpetuated. Ah, young Prince! Of warrior-worship you've made exhibition, Proud passion for "my Army" you evince. Ardent, spontaneous seems that youthful passion. I wonder now whether your love for me Is a soul-fervour or a mere speech-fashion. Well, we shall shortly see. And you, my Autocrat, austere and restless, Here comes Germania's youthful heir and hope. [ished, Were War's grim spectre not securely banIf, not in hollow phrase or canting trope, But in plain speech of honest men, you greeted Me, and struck hearty hands in my defence, Whilst down the wind War's carrion-bird fast fleeted, Death-struck by faith and sense? Say, shall I make a third, get welcome ready? Shall there be faithful bond between us three ? If our accord were full, our union steady, 66 rantee." gua Are you prepared to hail me, Czar and Kaiser, Our Mutual Friend," foe but to fight and feud? As counsellor and cordial sympathiser, I hope I don't intrude! PAN-ANGLICAN THEATRICAL AMATEUR ENamusement of the assembled Bishops, when TERTAINMENT at Lambeth Palace, for the will be performed the laughable old farce, entitled, "To Oblige Benson." Client. My house has been burnt to the ground by incendiaries. Bar. Are you quite sure? Client. I think so. Then I have been trustees. deprived of all my loose cash by fraudulent Bar. Yes! Anything else? Client. My wife has run away, and my children have been unjustly expelled from school. My house is tumbling about my ears, and I have been unreasonably deprived of my engagement as a City clerk. And, now, what shall I do? Bar. Really, all this is very bad, and I would willingly help you, if I could. But just answer me. Is any Solicitor acting for you? Client. No, certainly not. Bar. So far so good. And now tell me is any matter you have mentioned contentious business? That depends upon Client. I can't say. your advice. Bar. But I can't give it unless I know whether you are going to fight or knock of the accuracy of your statements? under. But once more are you quite sure Client. Well, I suppose they are fairly true. Bar. Suppose and 'fairly"! That settles it! I am afraid I must refer you to the other branch of the profession. As you CRUELTY TO HORSES.-Pulling and scratch- evidently have no objection in the abstract to They say you love me with a burning love; ing them. lies, why, you had better consult a Solicitor! 1 |