["The Lord Mayor Elect wishes the Procession to be worthy of the occasion, and the Corporation of London. He is opposed to the introduction of the Circus element and allegorical display, which accord neither with his own taste, nor, in his opinion, with the dignity of the City."-Vide the Papers.] THE Fathers of the City were seated in the Council Chamber, "Yes, we know all that," observed another Alderman, rather engaged in a deep consultation. It was within measurable distance coarsely, "and that the surplus saved out of the Show is to be given of the Ninth of November, and consequently the Lord Mayor shortly to a charity. But what is the Show to be like? Ain't we going to was to proceed in state from London to Westminster. have any gals in tights seated on globes as Britannia, and all that sort of thing?" 66 This is a more than usually interesting occasion, "observed one of the Fathers, gravely. "It is possible that we may never have another Lord Mayor,-leastways, not the likes of them as we have had." "Ear, 'ear!" murmured an Alderman of the old school, who had passed the chair. "And this being so," continued the other, "I hope, I do hope, that the Show will be worthy of the event. For instance, I trust, I do trust, that the City Marshal will be seen a-riding in front of it all, a-mounted on horseback?" "My objection to the Circus element has become historical," returned the Lord Mayor Elect, with considerable dignity. "And I do beg," continued the Alderman, ignoring the interruption, "that we shall have the men-in-armour. I may say that without the men-in-armour the day would go for nothing. The Missus -I should say my Lady wife-and the young 'uns like to see the ancient knights, and without them the day would go for nothing." "Don't say that," remonstrated an Alderman, thin and smart, with a pince-nez, of the new school. "You are forgetting the banquet. You can't say a day, which gives you a fair menu goes for nothing. C'est blague, mon cher; or, as we used to say at the dear old 'Varsity, garrula lingua nocet! Then came a chorus of the discontented. They followed one another like a chime of bells. 46 'Yes, but how about the ancient knights-are we to have any men-in-armour ?" "And surely we are not to be cut out of our banners?" "And the fire-engines-ain't we to have any of them?" "And I do like to see a Life-boat. It gives such a benevolent air to it all, you know." "And the Rangers-them with the guns-what about them?" "The procession will worthily represent the dignity of the City of London," replied the Lord Mayor Elect, evasively. "I am not very fond of the allegorical." 66 66 'Oh, gammon!" continued the critical Corporationist. "Let the young 'uns have a chance. If it ain't too late, why not have a giraffe or a couple of elephants from the Zoological Gardens ?" Gentlemen," returned the Lord Mayor Elect, with dignity, "believe me, I am not unmindful of the importance of the Metropolis of the World. I believe you will find that the Procession will uphold by its magnificence the best traditions of this great centre of civilisation." And amidst some sounds of dissatisfaction, the meeting dissolved. When he was alone, the future Chief Magistrate of the City of London knitted his brow in the profoundest thought. 66 66 What shall I do ?" he murmured. They are never satisfied! Have I not selected a West-End Coachmaker? Have I not contrived a card of invitation that should provoke the admiration of the whole of the civilised world? What more would they have? May I not give up the cumbersome Beadles, the useless Commissionnaires? And forsooth, the Procession-the real Procession-with myself in a brougham, and the City Marshal on the box-is not sufficiently ornate for them! Well, I must contrive something better-something that by its splendour shall catch the fancy of the groundlings." And so late into the night and far into the early morning the Lord Mayor Elect pondered. Day was breaking when, with a shout of triumphant joy, he jumped to his feet. "I have it!" he exclaimed, "I have it! Splendour without vulgarity! Comfort and dignity! I have found the happy mean." A fortnight later all London was anxiously waiting the approach of the annual Procession. It came. But to describe it the pen fails. And that being the case (as will be seen by the sketch above) resort has been had to the Artist's pencil. The Squire (to Northern Farmer). "THE DAY DOESN'T LOOK VERY PROMISING, HUTCHINSON. WHAT DOES YOUR WEATHER-GLASS SAY THIS MORNING?" Mr. H. "I'VE NO LOOKIT AT THE GLASS TO-DAY, SIR. I GOT ALL MY HAY IN YESTERDAY!" CAVE CANEM! horrid beasts, who I can hear barking outside, would only understand that I had given up the Police. Committee just sent polite note, presenting their compliments, and calling my attention to the rule forbidding the admission of dogs into the Club-house. Appears that the bloodhounds have rushed into the hall and eaten my hat and umbrella. Committee are under the impression that the hounds belong to me! (A Page from a Diary kept in the Neighbourhood of Whitehall.) 8 A.M.-Up early to visit Hyde Park, where I want to test the value of some bloodhounds as applied to the discovery of crime. Make the acquaintance of two full-grown brutes, who examine my boots with suspicion. I am glad on the whole that they are under restraint. It 1 P.M.-Occupying my room in Whitehall Place. Got away from is suggested that they should hunt me. Cannot very well refuse, the Club, without my hat and umbrella, by a back entrance. Will but would far rather have left that sort of thing to an Assistant-give strict orders that I am not to be disturbed. Have called_down Commissioner. However, not to be done. Half of them recently the tube, and can get no answer. Have just remembered that I have resigned, remainder (lazy people!) no doubt still comfortable in bed. sent the entire Staff (disguised as washerwomen) to Whitechapel, to Never can teach my subordinates the value of early rising! look about them. Don't much like to be alone with those brutes on my track. 9 A.M.-Just reached the Powder Magazine. Had to run for my life. For the moment have distanced the bloodhounds. Inspected the sentry, and got him to give me over his orders. Quite right; no smoking to be allowed within ten yards of the gunpowder-very proper precaution. Arcareless smoker, throwing away a lighted lucifer, might set the place on fire. Bricks and stones ignite so very easily. Obliged to be off again at the double, as I can hear the snarls of the bloodhounds, who are once more on my track. Hope they will spend a few minutes with the sentry before they follow me. 10. A.M.-Brutes still pursuing me. Concealed myself in the Parkkeeper's Lodge, and was nearly arrested on suspicion of being a distant relative of "Leather Apron." That's the worst of offering a reward! It causes so many innocent people to be taken up for nothing. No time for more. Just squared Park-keeper, and am off again. Trust the brutes will have a bad quarter of an hour with the custodian of the gardens before they resume their pursuit of me. 11 A.M.-Just escaped. Not a moment too soon. Hadn't reached the Marble Arch a minute before the hounds sighted me, and made for my boots. Only time to jump into a Hansom, and drive to my Club. 12, NOON.-Finished my lunch, and enjoying a few minutes' rest in the smoking-room. Early edition (2nd) of the evening newspapers, just arrived. Why won't they leave me alone? Several suggestions that I should resign. Half a mind to-would if those 2 P.M.-Just as I expected! They have traced me, and I can hear them on the staircase. Wish I had a revolver. Great nuisance that the lock of my door is out of repair. They are sure to come in! As I am a man of ready resource, have hidden myself on a shelf over a water-bottle. Have always heard that water destroys the scent. I can hear the bloodhounds sniffing outside! Most annoying to be all alone. Wish I was back at the Soudan! 3 A.M.-Have been for the last hour on the shelf. The dogs have made my room their own. Have watched them from under a pile of newspapers. Fortunately, they have preferred devouring my despatches to searching for me. Boy just brought in my tea. Before I could speak to him they had begun to hunt him! For a moment I am alone. 4 P.M.-Back again on my shelf. The intelligent beasts (far too intelligent!) after disposing of the tea and muffin-boy, have returned to hunt me. I am safe for the moment, as they are devouring my cocked hat, sword, and top-boots. A great nuisance as they (the cocked hat, &c.), form an effective portion of my favourite costume. Cat's meat man outside. Can hear his cry. The bloodhounds have heard it too, and have disappeared to hunt him. Saved for the present! 5 P.M.-Brutes back again. They have discovered me! I am keeping them off with a poker and a bag of biscuits. My shouts should be heard. Really, these people obey my orders too literally. bears were coming," or that "the bears were everywhere," we got ready, presented, but didn't fire. L'Ours-voilà l'ennemi! But there was no Ours. One of the Half-Crown Princes out with us (any number of them about-plenty of change), tried to make an international joke about waiting hours for an ours," but he was hushed down by both the Princes, and I had to tell him afterwards, that as he really couldn't pronounce either French or English properly, he had better keep his jokes in those languages to himself. Poor dear Half-Crown! he was so sorry, but he soon laughed it off when I called him "Young Two-and-Sixpence," which set the whole party in a roar just when the only bear that has been seen all day showed its nose round a corner. If we hadn't been convulsed, that bear would never have lived to tell the tale, but as it was, bang went all our barrels, and when the smoke cleared off, all I saw was the Half-Crown Prince going head over heels backwards down the rocks, owing to the violent recoil of the gun when he was laughing, and three of the chasseurs jumping about, chucking their plumed hats in the air, and shrieking with pain, though, being courtiers, they had to pretend it was their way of expressing excessive annoyance at the disappointment their Royal Master and his distinguished guest had suffered. "Mark, Bear!" shouted a Styrian Count in pink tights, green and gold coat, and leather boots with spurs. But it was a false alarm. No more at present, as the Royal Currier is just leaving, and he 'll have nothing to curry if I don't send this despatch. We're all well. Don't talk of making a place a regular Bear-garden." This is one, and as quiet as the Great Desert on a Sunday night. P.S.-I re-open this to say that I've hit on a plan which has met with the approbation of everyone. I kept it dark till now! My fortune's made!! I brought out a bag of buns from England, the very same sort that they give to the bears at the Zoological. I am now going out baiting traps and tops of trees Sure of sport!!! I expect nothing less than a Mar- TRANSYLVANIAN SPORT. (From Our Special Sportsman with their H.R.H.'s.) LAST week the Prince of WALES and the CROWN PRINCE went outto shoot bears. The bears behaved in their usual bearish manner-they are regular beasts and refused to meet their Royal Highnesses. Beaters-in their beautiful old gold-beater-skin costume, still worn here (and by the bye, the Court Plasterers also stick to their ancient dress in this Conservative State)-went into the woods and forests with the Gold Sticks in Waiting, and made noise enough to wake the sleepiest grizzly. But Bruin wouldn't show himself, and though we waited in the plains below for hours, yet we saw nothing. The scouts came up, and in broken English, which they've learnt out of compliment to our Prince, reported, "All bear!" so, thinking they meant that "All the WOMEN AS POOR-LAW GUARDIANS.-Guardian Angels NOTICE.-Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope. Cover. or Wranner. To this A BEAR IDEA. TALKING IT OVER UNDER DIFFICULTIES. "On the occasion of the Emperor WILLIAM's visit to the Vatican, his Majesty evaded the repeated attempts of the POPE to discuss the question of the temporal power of the Papacy."-Daily Paper. IN the absence of any more direct information on the subject, the following brief dramatic version may be confidently regarded as an authentic account of the termination of the rather embarrassing interview to which the above paragraph refers : "My eyes! there is such Brave Boys. Says I, "Crown Prince, I'll never wince, And on my head my hair Will not with fright Stand bolt upright, Whenever I see that bear, Brave Boy, Whenever I see that bear! I seized my gun, With a bound and a run, The danger I longed to share; When just behind a tree, A-looking at me, I saw that grisly bear, Brave Boys, I saw that grisly bear! He was rubbing his eyes With some surprise He'd just awoke from his lair. I aimed-he ran Bang! flash!-in the pan! So I did not kill that bear, Brave Boys, I did not kill that bear! The Pope (determined to get it out). And its restoration is the only sure guarantee for the security of European Peace. The Emperor (flying off at a tangent gaily). Peace! Ha! Of course-The League of Peace. Just been cementing that over the way at the Quirinal. Fancy, too, it looks like certain success. The Pope (still sticking to his guns). Your Majesty, there is only one thing certain, and that is that Rome must come back. The Emperor (merrily). Come back? From what I have seen, I should say it was more inclined to go forward. (With a good The Pope (nothing daunted). It must become Papal Rome once more. The Emperor. Ha! hum! exactly. Quite so. (Feeling things are getting hot and changing front, with sudden effusion.) But, by the way, what a delightful afternoon it seems to be turning out. Quite pleasant, I declare. And that reminds me. (Jumping at Happy Thought.) I really must be going. The Pope. What, going without settling anything? SCENE-An Audience Chamber in the Vatican. The POPE dis-humoured wink.) But, of course, your Holiness knows best. Of The Emperor (quickly). Ah! The Temporal Power. Just so. course (airily changing the subject as he approaches the window). Dear me! (looking out) I had no idea, your Holiness' was so well off here. What a capital garden! The Pope (continuing). You know, it is necessary The Emperor (brightly, misunderstanding him). Of course, it is necessary. Pegged up, as you are, here, it must be quite a resource to you (again looking out), and there seems a good lot of it. The Pope (ignoring his misinterpretation). I mean it is necessary to the exercise The Emperor (cutting in briskly). Of course it is necessary for exercise; and, I'm sure, I'm very glad your Holiness is able to get it. I doubt if you would be able to get on without it. The Pope (still holding on). To the exercise of my spiritual functions, and so its restoration The Emperor (catching at the word glibly). Restoration! To be sure. That's going on everywhere. All over the place, in fact. Quite a rage for it. Such lots of new Boulevards. I'm sure I don't know what they won't restore next. VOL. XCV. The Emperor. Settling anything? Why, yes, everything is rather unsettled, isn't it? (Beating a retreat.) Hum! Yes! Precisely. Just so. Of course! (Taking his leave respectfully.) Anyhow, it is so kind of your Holiness to have received me. Enjoyed our talk so much, you know. 'Pon my word, I have. [Bows himself out, and joining his suite with "evident signs of deep emotion" depicted on his countenance, leaves the POPE shaking his head, conscious that he has had a not very satisfactory interview with a remarkably unmanageable and troublesome young man. ROYAL VISIT TO HIS OWN CAPITAL. ON Wednesday last London was brilliantly lighted to honour the arrival of King Foo, who paid his first state visit of the season to his own capital. He entered the City on the East, and proceeded in triumphal procession towards the West. On reaching Kensington he returned. His Majesty also visited the suburbs. The royal progress was celebrated by grand fantasias on A Thousand Respiratory Organs, Baron BRONCHITIS was out with his Bandannas borne by four hoarse-men. The Actors of London, with bad colds, were represented by Mr. HERMANN WHEEZIN, and in the train of King FoG followed the celebrated General DE PRESSION, with deputations from the various states of Ill-health and Indi-gestion. The rear was brought up by bands of Roughs, Burglars, and Policemen at a respectful distance. His Majesty has been taking a slight rest during the last few days but he has no intention of quitting the Metropolis for some time to come. King Coal (roused out of his slumber). "OH, WHAT A BORE!" London (to Science). "TAKE MY ADVICE, AND DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM. HE'S A GREAT DEAL TOO DEEP FOR US." "Is there Coal under London? We sincerely trust there is not, and 'that, if there is, it will never be discovered. The prospect of a colliery district at Streatham, with an eventual revival of the iron industries of Surrey, Kent, and Sussex, is enough to make every Londoner despair.'"-Times. YES, Old King Coal is a merry old soul, And a merry old soul is he; But we shall all be undone If they find him under London; So we trust that is fiddlededee. Oh! the plague and the pother, Oh! the shindy and the smother |