LES HOMMES AUTOMATES. 1834. "We are persuaded that this our artificial man will not only walk and speak, and perform most of the outward functions of animal life, but (being wound up once a week) will perhaps reason as well as most of your country parsons."Memoirs of Martinus Scriblerus, chap. xii. Ir being an object now to meet Th' experiment having succeeded quite, That wood and leather are fit to fill. N. B. In places addicted to arson, Which (now that the eating's o'er) comes cheap. P. S. Should the Lords, by way of a treat, Permit the clergy again to eat, The Church will, of course, no longer need Imitation-parsons that never feed; 1 The materials of which those Nuremberg Savans, mentioned by Scriblerus, constructed their artificial man. a The wooden models used by painters are, it is well known, "lay figures." And these wood creatures of ours will sell HOW TO MAKE ONE'S SELF A PEER, ACCORDING TO THE NEWEST RECEIPT, AS DISCLOSED IN A LATE HERALDIC WORK. 1834. CHOOSE Some title that's dormant-the Peerage hath many Lord Baron of Shamdos sounds nobly as any. You can't somehow manage to prove yourself one of 'em. Should registers, deeds, and such matters refractory, I've merely to hint, as a secret auricular, "Tis true, to a would-be descendant from Kings, bloods, And one's patent of peerage is left in the suds. But there are ways-when folks are resolved to be lords Of expurging ev'n troublesome parish records: 3 The Claim to the barony of Chandos (if I recollect right) advanced by the late Sir Eg-r-t-n Br-d-s. 4 "This we call pure nihility, or mere nothing."—Watts' a Logic. Devour'd all the Tenths,' so the idols in question, These wood and stone gods, may have equal digestion, Sea Captains, the idols here most idolized; And of whom some, alas, might too well be comprised And th' idolatrous crew, whom this Rector de- Among ready-made Saints, as they died cannon spises, May eat up the tithe-pig which he idolizes. London. "Tis all but too true-grim Idolatry reigns, Some calm, holy spot, fit for Christians to pray on, I was shown to what think you?-a downright But I'm call'd off to dinner-grace just has been said, And my host waits for nobody, living or dead. LINES ON THE DEPARTURE OF LORDS C-ST-R-GH AND ST-W--RT FOR THE CONTINENT. At Paris et Fratres, et qui rapuêre sub illis, Go, Brothers in wisdom-go, bright pair of Peers, And may Cupid and Fame fan you both with their pinions! The one, the best lover we have-of his years, And the other Prime Statesman of Britain's dominions. Go, Hero of Chancery, blest with the smile Of the Misses that love, and the monarchs that prize thee; Forget Mrs. Ang-lo T-yl-r awhile, And all tailors but him who so well dandifies thee. Unless 'twas some full-grown Director had sat Never mind how thy juniors in gallantry scoff, for't ; Not to mention th' et cæteras of Genii and Sphinxes, Fame, Victory, and other such semi-clad minxes; 1 Tithes were paid to the Pythian Apollo. Never heed how perverse affidavits may thwart thee, But show the young Misses thou'rt scholar enough To translate "Amor Fortis" a love, about forty! This and the following squib, which must have been 2 See Dr. Wiseman's learned and able letter to Mr. Poynder. written about the year 1815-16, have been by some over And sure 'tis no wonder, when, fresh as young Mars, From the battle you came, with the Orders you'd earn'd in't, That sweet Lady Fanny should cry out "My stars!" And forget that the Moon, too, was some way concern'd in't. For not the great R-g-t himself has endured (Though I've seen him with badges and orders all shine, Till he look'd like a house that was over insured) A much heavier burden of glories than thine. And 'tis plain, when a wealthy young lady so mad is, Or any young ladies can so go astray, As to marry old Dandies that might be their daddies, The stars' are in fault, my Lord St-w-rt, not they! Thou, too, t'other brother, thou Tully of Tories, Such a smooth rigmarole about "monarchs," and "glories," And "nullidge," and "features," like syllabub slips. Go, haste, at the Congress pursue thy vocation ours, Leaguing with Kings, who, for mere recreation, Break promises, fast as your Lordship breaks metaphors. Fare ye well, fare yo well, bright Pair of Peers, And may Cupid and Fame fan you both with their pinions! The one, the best lover we have-of his years, And the other, Prime Statesman of Britain's dominions. "When weak women go astray, The stars are more in fault than they." It is thus the noble lord pronounces the word "knowledge"-deriving it, as far as his own share is concerned, from the Latin, "nullus." Sic te Diva potens Cypri, Sic fratres Helena, lucida sidera, Ventorumque regat pater. TO THE SHIP IN WHICH LORD C-ST-RGH SAILED FOR THE CONTINENT. Imitated from Horace, lib. i., ode 3. So may my Lady's prayers prevail,' From Eolus, that older Bags, And, therefore, quarter of a King-(As Van, or any other calf, May find, without much figuring.) Waft him, oh ye kindly breezes, Waft this Lord of place and pelf, Anywhere his Lordship pleases, Though 'twere to Old Nick himself! Oh, what a face of brass was his,' To Russian threats and Austrian juggle; And leave the sinking African To fall without one saving struggle'Mong ministers from North and South, To show his lack of shame and sense, And hoist the Sign of "Bull and Mouth" For blunders and for eloquence! In vain we wish our Secs. at home9 To mind their papers, desks, and shelves, If silly Secs. abroad will roam, And make such noodles of themselves. But such hath always been the case— Illi robur et æs triplex Nequicquam Deus abscidit Prudens oceano dissociabili Terras, si tamen impia Non tangenda Rates transiliunt vada. 4 See a description of the ackot, or Bags of Eolus, in the This last line, we may suppose, alludes to some distin Odyssey, lib. 10. guished Rats that attended the voyager. Animæ dimidium meum. 11 Audax Japeti genus Ignem fraude malâ gentibus intulit. Then came the Doctor,' for our ease, With E-d-ns, Ch-th-ms, H-wk-b-s, And other deadly maladies. When each, in turn, had run their rigs, And oh, I blush, I blush to say, When these, in turn, were put to flight, too, Illustrious T-MP-E flew away With lots of pens he had no right to!" In short, what will not mortal man do? And now, that-strife and bloodshed pastWe've done on earth what harm we can do, We gravely take to Heaven at last, And think its favorite smile to purchase (Oh Lord, good Lord!) by-building churches! SKETCH OF THE FIRST ACT OF A NEW ROMANTIC DRAMA. "AND now," quoth the goddess, in accents jocose, Having got good materials, I'll brew such a dose "Of Double X mischief as, mortals shall say, "So, now for th' ingredients:-first, hand me that bishop ;" Whereon, a whole bevy of imps run to fish up, In the sheets of his own speeches, charges, reviews, "Now fetch the Ex-Chancellor," mutter'd the dame "He who's call'd after Harry the Older, by name." "The Ex-Chancellor!" echo'd her imps, the whole crew of 'em "Why talk of one Ex, when your Mischief has two Thus saying, she pops in the Irish Grand Lamaof 'em?" Which great event ends the First Act of the Drama. |