"I wish I'd known this prodigy,
This genius of the clods, when I

On circuit was at York residing.—
Now, Farmer, do for once speak true,
Mind, you're on oath, so tell me you,
Who doubtless think yourselves so clever,
Are there as many fools as ever

In the West Riding?"

“Why no, sir, no; we've got our share,

But not so many as when you were there.'

HORACE SMITH.

THE DOCTOR AND HIS APPRENTICE.

A PUPIL of the Esculapian school
Was just prepared to quit his master's rule.
Not that he knew his trade, as it appears,
But that he had then learnt it seven years.

Yet think not that in knowledge he was cheated—
All that he had to study still,

Was, when a man was well or ill,
And how, if sick, he should be treated.

One morn, he thus address'd his master:
"Dear sir, my honor'd father bids me say
If I could now and then a visit pay,
He thinks, with you,

To notice how you do,

My business I might learn a little faster."

"The thought is happy," the preceptor cries:
"A better method he could scarce devise;
So Bob (his pupil's name) it shall be so,
And when I next pay visits, you shall go."

To bring that hour, alas! time briskly fled :

With dire intent,

Away they went,

And now behold them at a patient's bed.

The master-doctor solemnly perused

His victim's face, and o'er his symptoms mused: Look'd wise, said nothing—an unerring way When people nothing have to say:

Then felt his pulse, and smelt his cane,

And paused, and blink'd, and smelt again,

And briefly of his corps perform'd each motion; Manoeuvres that for Death's platoon are meant: A kind of a Make-ready and Present!

Before the fell discharge of pill and potion. At length, the patient's wife he thus address'd: 66 Madam, your husband's danger's great,

And (what will never his complaint abate), The man's been eating oysters, I perceive." "Dear! you're a witch, I verily believe!" Madam replied, and to the truth confess'd.

Skill so prodigious Bobby too admired,
And home returning of the Sage inquired

How these same oysters came into his head? "Psha! my dear Bob, the thing was plain Sure that can ne'er distress thy brain,

I saw the shells lie underneath the bed."

So wise by such a lesson grown,

Next day Bob ventured forth alone;

And to the self-same sufferer paid his court — But soon, with haste and wonder out of breath, Return'd the stripling minister of death,

And to his master made this dread report:

Why, sir, we ne'er can keep that patient under,
Oh! such a maw I never came across!
The fellow must be dying, and no wonder,
For hang me if he hasn't eat a horse!"

"A horse!" the elder man of physic cried, As if he meant his pupil to deride –

66

How came so wild a notion in your head!"
"How! think not in my duty I was idle;
I took a peep beneath the bed,
And there I saw a saddle and a bridle !"

Like

you,

ANON.

THE COLLEGIAN AND THE PORTER.

AT Trin. Coll. Cam.—which means, in proper spelling,
Trinity College, Cambridge-there resided
One Harry Dashington - a youth excelling
In all the learning commonly provided
For those who choose that classic station

For finishing their education :

That is he understood computing

--

The odds at any race or match;

Was a dead hand at pigeon shooting;

Could kick up rows -knock down the watch

Play truant and the rake at random

Drink-tie cravats and drive a tandem.

Remonstrance, fine, and rustication,

So far from working reformation,

Seem'd but to make his lapses greater: "Till he was warn'd that next offence Would have this certain consequence Expulsion from his Alma Mater.

2

One need not be a necromancer

To guess that with so wild a wight,
The next offence occurr'd next night,
When our Incurable came rolling

Home as the midnight chimes were tolling,
And rang the College bell. — No answer.

The second peal was vain - the third
Made the street echo its alarum ;
When to his great delight he heard
The sordid Janitor, old Ben,

Rousing and growling in his den.

"Who's there?—I s'pose young Harum-scarum." ""Tis I, my worthy Ben—'tis Harry."

"Ay, so I thought—and there you'll tarry,

'Tis past the hour- the gates are closed

You know my orders - I shall lose

My place if I undo the door.".
"And I (young Hopeful interposed),

Shall be expell'd if you refuse,

"Humph!" growl'd the greedy old curmudgeon
Half overjoy'd and half in dudgeon.

66 Now you may pass, but make no fuss,
On tiptoe walk and hold your prate.”
"Look on the stones, old Cerberus,"

Cried Harry, as he pass'd the gate,
"I've dropp'd a shilling ―take the light,
You'll find it just outside―good night."

Behold the porter in his shirt,

Scolding the rain which never stopp'd,
Groping and raking in the dirt,

And all without success; but that
Is hardly to be wonder❜d at,
Because no shilling had been dropp'ù;
So he gave o'er the search at last,
Regain'd the door, and found it fast!

With sundry oaths and growls and groans,

He rang once- twice - and thrice, and then
Mingled with giggling heard the tones,
Of Harry mimicking old Ben.
"Who's there?-'tis really a disgrace

To ring so loud- I've lock'd the gate-
I know my duty - 'Tis too late —
You wouldn't have me lose my place."

"Psha! Mr. Dashington: remember, This is the middle of November.

I'm stripp'd-'tis raining cats and dogs." "Hush, hush!" quoth Hal, "I'm fast asleep; " And then he snored as loud and deep

As a whole company of hogs.

"But hark ye, Ben, I'll grant admittance

66

At the same rate I paid myself."

"Nay, master, leave me half the pittance,"

Replied the avaricious elf.

"No: all or none - a full acquittance: The terms I know are somewhat high; have fix'd the price, not I

But
you
I wont take less I can't afford it."

-

So finding all his haggling vain,
Ben, with an oath and groan of pain,

Drew out the guinea and restored it.