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Ef so,

Think thet the job wuz taken by Columbus.
Did he set tu an' make it wut it is ?


guess the One-Man-power hez riz. Did he put thru the rebbles, clear the docket, An' pay th'

expenses out of his own pocket? Ef thet's the case, then everythin' I exes Is t'hev him come an' pay my ennooal texes.

(Profound sensation.] Was't he thet shou’dered all them million guns? Did he lose all the fathers, brothers, sons ? Is this ere pop'lar gov'ment thet we run A kin' o sulky, made to kerry one ? An' is the country goin' to knuckle down To hev Smith sort their letters 'stid o' Brown? Who wuz the 'Nited States 'fore Richmon' fell? Wuz the South needfle their full name to spell ? An' can't we spell it in that short-han' way Till th' underpinnin' 's settled so's to stay? Who cares for the Resolves of '61, Thet tried to coax an airthquake with a bun? Hez act’ly nothin' taken place sence then To larn folks they must hendle fects like men ? Ain't this the true p'int? Did the Rebs accep''em Ef nut, whose fault is't thet we hevn't kep''em ? Warn't there two sides ? an' don't it stend to reason Thet this week's 'Nited States ain't las' week's treason? When all these sums is done, with nothin' missed, An' nut afore, this school 'll be dismissed.

I knowed ez wal ez though I'd seen't with eyes
Thet when the war wuz over copper 'd rise,
An' thet we'd hev a rile-up in our kettle
'Twould need Leviathan's whole skin to settle ;
I thought 'twould take about a generation
'Fore we could wal begin to be a nation,
But I allow I never did imegine
'Twould be our Pres'dunt thet ’ould drive a wedge in
To keep the split from closin' ef it could,
An' healin' over with new wholesome wood ;
For th' ain't no chance o' healin' while they think
Thet law an' gov'ment's only printer's ink ;
I mus' confess I thank him for discoverin'
The curus way in which the States are sovereign ;
They ain't nut quite enough so to rebel,
But, when they fin' it's costly to raise h“,

[A groan from Deac'n G.)
Why, then, for jes' the same superl'tive reason,
They're 'most too much so to be tetched for treason ;
They can't go out, but ef they somehow du,
Their sovereignty don't noways go out tu ;

The State goes ous, the sovereignty don't stir,
But stays to keep the door ajar for her.
He thinks secession never took 'em out,
An' mebby he's correc', but I misdoubt ;
Ef they warn't out, then why, in the name o' sin,
Make all this row 'bout lettin' of 'em in ?
In law, p'r’aps nut; but there's a diffurence, ruther,
Betwixt your mother-'n-law an' real mother,

[Derisive cheers.)
An' I, for one, shall wish they'd all been som'eres,
Long’z U. S. Texes are sech reg'lar comers.
But, O my patience ! must we wriggle back
Into th' ole crooked, pettyfoggin' track,
When our artil'ry-wheels a road hev cut
Stret to our purpose ef we keep the rut?
War's jes' dead waste excep' to wipe the slate
Clean for the cyph'rin of some nobler fate.

[Applause.) Ez for dependin' on their oaths an thet, 'T wun't bind em’ mor’n the ribbin roun' my het; I heard a fable once from Othniel Starns, That pints it slick ez weathercocks do barns : Onct on a time the wolves hed certing rights Inside the fold: they used to sleep there nights. An', bein' cousins o' the dogs, they took Their turns et watchin', reg’lar ze a book ; But somehow, when the dogs hed gut asleep, Their love o' mutton beat their love o' sheep, Till gradilly the shepherds come to see Things warn't agoin' ez they'd ough' to be ; So they sent off a deacon to remonstrate Along 'th the wolves an' urge 'em to go on straight ; They didn' seem to set much by the deacon, Nor preachin' didn'cow 'em, nut to speak on ; Fin'ly they swore thet they'd go out an' stay, An' hev their fill o’mutton every day; Then dogs an' shepherds, after much hard dammin',

[Groan from Deac'n G.] Turned tu an gave 'em a tormented lammin', An' sez, “ Ye sha' n't go out, the murrain rot ye, To keep us wastin' half our time to watch ye !” But then the question come, How live together 'Thout losin' sheep, nor nary yew nor wether? Now there wuz some dogs (noways wuth their keep) Thet sheered their cousins' tastes an’sheered the sheep; They sez, Be gin'rous, let 'em swear right in, An', ef they backslide, let 'em swear ag'in ; Tes' let 'em put on sheep-skins whilst they're swearin': To ask for more 'ould be beyond all bearin’. ” “Be gin'rous for yourselves, where p'oli're to pay,

Thet's the best prectice," sez a shepherd gray ;
“ Ez for their oaths they wun't be wuth a button,
Long 'z you don't cure 'em o' their taste for mutton ;
Th' ain't but one solid way, howe'er you puzzle :
Tell they're convarted, let 'em wear a muzzle.”

(Cries of “Bully for you! I've noticed thet each half-baked scheme's abetters Are in the hebbit o' producin' letters Writ by all sorts o' never-heared-on fellers, 'Bout ez oridge'nal ez the wind in bellers ; I've noticed, tu, it's the quack med'cines gits (An' needs) the grettest heaps o'stiffykits ;

[Two apothekeries goes out.] Now, sence I lef off creepin' on all fours, I hain't ast no man to endorse my course ; It's full ez cheap to be your own endorser, An'ef I've made a cup, I'll fin' the saucer ; But I've some letters tere from other side, An' them's the sort thet helps me to decide ; Tell me for wut the copper-comp’nies hanker, An' i'll tell you jest where it's safe to anchor.

[Faint hiss.) Fus’ly the Hon'ble B. O. Sawin writes Thet for a spell he could'n sleep o' nights, Puzzlin' which side wuz preudentest to pin to, Which wuz th' ole homestead, which the temp’ry leanto; Et fust he jedged 'twould right-side-up his pan To come out ez a 'ridge'nal Union man, “But now,” he sez, "I ain't nut quite so fresh ; The winnin' horse is goin' to be Secesh; You might, las' spring, hev eas'ly walked the course, 'Fore we contrived to doctor th' Union horse ; Now we're the ones to walk aroun' the nex' track : Jest you take hold an' read the follerin' extrac', Out of a letter I received last week From an ole frien' thet never sprung a leak, A Nothun Dem'crat o' th' ole Jarsey blue, Born copper-sheathed an' copper-fastened tu.” “These four years past it hez been tough To say which side a feller went for ; Guideposts all gone, roads muddy 'n' rough, An' nothin' doin' wut 'twuz meant for ; Pickets a-firin' left an' right, Both sides a lettin' rip et sight,-Life warn't wuth hardly payin' rent for. “Columby gut her back up so, It warn't no use a-tryin' to stop her,War's emptin's riled her very dough

An' made it rise an' act improper ;
'Twuz full ez much ez I could du
To jes' lay low an' worry thru,
'Thout hevin' to sell out my copper.
“Afore the war your mod'rit men
Could set an' sun 'em on the fences,
Cyph’rin' the chances up, an' then
Jump off which way bes' paid expenses;
Sence, 'twus so resky ary way,
I didn't hardly darst to say
I'greed with Paley's Evidences.

(Groan from Deac'n G.]
" Ask Mac ef tryin' to set the fence
Warn't like bein' rid upon a rail on't,
Headin' your party with a sense
O' bein' tipjint in the tail on't,
And tryin' to think thet, on the whole,
You kin' o' quasi your own soul
When Belmont's gut a bill o'sale on't?

[Three cheers for Grant and Sherman.)
Come peace, I sposed thet folks 'ould like
Their pol’tics done ag’in by proxy
Give their noo loves the bag an' strike
A fresh trade with their reg'lar doxy ;
But the drag 's broke, now slavery, 's gone,
An' there 's gret resk they 'll blunder on,
Ef they ain't

stopped, to real Democ'cy.
We've gut an awful row to hoe
In this ’ere job o' reconstructin’;
Folks dunno skurce which way to go,
Where th' ain't some boghole to be ducked in ;
But one thing 's clear ; there is a crack,
Ef we pry hard, 'twixt white and black,
Where the old makebate can be tucked in.
“No white man sets in airth's broad aisle
Thet I ain't willin'ť own ez brother,
An' ef he's heppened to strike ile,
I dunno, fin’ly, but I'd ruther ;
An' Paddies, long 'z they vote all right,
Though they ain't jest a nat'ral white,
I hold one on 'em good 'z another.

(Applause.) “ Wut is there les I'd like to know, Ef't ain't the difference o colour, To keep up self-respec' an' show The human natur' of a fullah?

Wut good in bein' white, onless
It's fixed by law, nut lef' to guess,
That we are smarter an' they duller ?
"Ef we're to hev our ekle rights,
'T wun't du to ’low no competition ;
Th' ole debt doo us for bein' whites
Aint't safe onless we stop th' emission
O'these noo notes, whose specie base
Is human natur', 'thout no trace
O'shape, nor colour, nor condition.

[Continood applause.)
“So fur I'd writ an' could n' jedge
Aboard wut boat I'd best take pessige,
My brains all mincemeat, 'thout no edge
Upon 'em more than tu a sessige,
But now it seems ez though I see
Sunthin' resemblin' an idee,
Sence Johnson's speech an' veto message.
“I like the speech best, I confess,
The logic, preudence, an' good taste on it,
An' it's so mad, I ruther guess
There 's some dependence to be placed on 't;

[Laughter.) It 's narrer, but 'twixt you an' me, Out o' the allies o'J. D. A temp’ry party can be based on 't. “Jes' to hold on till Johnson 's thru An' dug his Presidential grave is, An' then !-who knows but we could slew The country roun' to put in- ? Wun't some folks rare up when we pull Out o' their eyes our Union wool An'larn 'em wut a p’lit’cle shave is ! “O, did it seem 'z ef Providence Could ever send a second Tyler ? To see the South all back to once, Reapin' the spiles o' the Freesiler, Is cute ez though an ingineer Should claim th' old iron for his sheer Coz 't was himself that bust the biler !"

(Gret laughter.) Thet tells the story! Thet 's wut we shall git By tryin' squirtguns on the burnin' Pit; For the day never comes when it 'll du To kick off Dooty like a worn-out shoe. I seem to hear a whisperin' in the air,

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