If men are always at a loss

Mere womankind to bridle

To try the thing on woman cross,
Were fifty times as idle;

For she a strict resolve had made
And registered in private,
That either she would die a maid,
Or else be Mrs. Doctor Slade,
If woman could contrive it;
And, though the wedding-day was set,
Jenny was more so, rather,
Declaring, in a pretty pet,

That, howsoe'er they spread their net,
She would out-Jennyral them yet,
The colonel and her father.

Just at this time the Public's eyes
Were keenly on the watch, a stir
Beginning slowly to arise

About those questions and replies,
Those raps that unwrapped mysterics
So rapidly at Rochester,

And Knott, already nervous grown
By lying much awake alone,

And listening, sometimes to a moan,
And sometimes to a clatter,

Whene'er the wind at night would rouse
The gingerbread-work on his house,
Or when some hasty tempered mouse,
Behind the plastering, made a towse
About a family matter,
Began to wonder if his wife,
A paralytic half her life,

Which made it morc surprising,

Might not to rule him from her urn,
Have taken a peripatetic turn

For want of exorcising.

This thought, once nestled in his head,
Ere long contagious grew, and spread
Infecting all his mind with dread
Until at last he lay in bed

And heard his wife, with well-known tread,
Entering the kitchen through the shed,
(Or was't his fancy, mocking?)
Opening the pantry, cutting bread,

And then (she'd been some ten years dead
Closets and drawers unlocking;

Or, in his room (his breath grew thick)
He heard the long-familiar click
Of slender needles flying quick,
As if she knit a stocking;

For whom?-he prayed that years might flit
With pains rheumatic shooting,
Before those ghostly things she knit
Upon his unfleshed sole might fit,
He did not fancy it a bit,

To stand upon that footing;
At other times, his frightened hairs
Above the bedclothes trusting,
He heard her, full of household cares
(No dream entrapped in supper's snares,
The foal of horrible nightmares,
But broad awake, as he declares),
Go bustling up and down the stairs,
Or setting back last evening's chairs,
Or with the poker thrusting
The raked-up sea-coal's hardened crust-
And-what! impossible! it must!
He knew she had returned to dust,
And yet could scarce his senses trust,
Hearing her as she poked and fussed
About the parlour, dusting!

Night after night he strove to sleep
And take his ease in spite of it;
But still his flesh would chill and creep,
And, though two night-lamps he might keep,
He could not so make light of it.

At last, quite desperate, he goes
And tells his neighbours all his woes,

Which did but their amount enhance;
They made such mockery of his fears
That soon his days were of all jeers,

His nights of the rueful countenance

'I thought most folks," one neighbour said, Gave up the ghost when they were dead,” Another gravely shook his head,

Adding, "from all we hear, it's

Quite plain poor Knott is going mad--
For how can he at once be sad

And think he's full of spirits?
A third declared he knew a knife
Would cut this Knott much quicker,
"The surest way to end all strife,
And lay the spirit of a wife,

Is just to take and lick her!"

A temperance man caught up the word,
Ah, yes," he groaned, "I've always heard
Our poor friend somewhat slanted
Tow'rd taking liquor over-much;
I fear these spirits may be Dutch
(A sort of gins, or something such),
With which his house is haunted;
I see the thing as clear as light-
If Knott would give up getting tight,
Naught farther would be wanted:"
So all his neighbours stood aloof
And, that the spirits 'neath his roof
Were not entirely up to proof,
Unanimously granted.

Knott knew that cocks and sprites were foes,

And so bought up, Heaven only knows

How many, though he wanted crows
To give ghosts caws, as I suppose,
To think that day was breaking;
Moreover what he called his park,
He turned into a kind of ark
For dogs, because a little bark
Is a good tonic in the dark

If one is given to waking;

But things went on from bad to worse,
His curs were nothing but a curse,

And, what was still more shocking,
Foul ghosts of living fowl made scoff
And would not think of going off

In spite of all his cocking.

Shanghais, Bucks counties, Dominiques,
Malays (that didn't lay for weeks),
Polanders, Bantams, Dorkings
(Waiving the cost, no trifling ill,
Since each brought in his little bill)
By day or night were never still,
But every thought of rest would kil
With cacklings and with quorkings;
Henry the Eighth of wives got free
By a way he had of axing;
But poor Knott's Tudor henery
Was not so fortunate, and he
Still found his trouble waxing;

As for the dogs, the rows they made,

And how they howled, snarled, barked, and bayed,
Beyond all human knowledge is;

All night as wide awake as gnats,
The terriers rumpused after rats,
Or, just for practice taught their brats
To worry cast-off shoes and hats,
The bull-dogs settled private spats,
All chased imaginary cats,

Or raved behind the fence's slats

At real ones, or, from their mats,

With friends, miles off, held pleasant chats,
Or, like some folks in white cravats,
Contemptuous of sharps and flats,

Sat up and sang dogsologies.
Meanwhile the cats set up a squall,
And safe upon the garden-wall,
All night kept cat-a-walling,
As if the feline race were all,
In one wild cataleptic sprawl,
Into love's tortures falling.

PART II.

SHOWING WHAT IS MEANT BY A FLOW OF SPIRITS.

At first the ghosts were somewhat shy,
Coming when none but Knott was nigh,
And people said 'twas all their eye
(Or rather his), a flam, the sly
Digestion's machination;
Some recommended a wet sheet,
Some a nice broth of pounded peat,
Some a cold flat-iron to the feet,
Some a decoction of lamb's bleat,
Some a southwesterly grain of wheat;
Meat was by some pronounced unmeet,
Others thought fish most indiscreet,
And that 'twas worse than all to eat
Of vegetables, sour or sweet
(Except, perhaps, the skin of beet),
In such a concatenation :

One quack his button gently plucks
And murmurs "biliary ducks!"

Says Knott, "I never ate one;"
But all, though brimming full of wrath,
Homœo, Allo, Hydropath,

Concurred in this—that tother's path

To death's door was the straight one.
Still, spite of medical advice,

The ghosts came thicker, and a spice
Of mischief grew apparent;
Nor did they only come at night,
But seemed to fancy broad daylight,
Till Knott, in horror and affright,
His unoffending hair rent;
Whene'er with handkerchief on lap,
He made his elbow-chair a trap,
To catch an after-dinner nap,
The spirits always on the tap,
Would make a sudden rap, rap, rap,
The half-spun cord of sleep to snap,
(And what is life without its nap
But threadbareness and mere mishap ?)