What is that which denotes the state of the mind and of the body? The tongue. What part of your ear would be the most essential for a martial band? The drum. When may a man be said to be literally "immersed in his business?" When giving a swimming-lesson. Why is a magnificent house like a book of anecdotes? It has generally some good stories in it. Who was Jonah's tutor? The whale that brought him up. What is the best day for making pan-cakes? Fri-day. When is a tea-pot like a kitten? When you're teasin' it. (tea's in it.) When may you be said to literally "drink in" music? When you have a piano for-tea. What's the difference between a professional piano forte player and one that hears him? One plays for his pay, the other pays for his play. How can you distinguish a fashionable man from a tired dog? One wears an entire costume, the other, simply pants. Why was Blackstone like an Irish vegetable? Because he was a common tatur. Why is a youth encouraging a moustache like a cow's tail? Because he grows down. What is that which makes everything visible but is itself unseen? Light. When is a soldier charitable? When he presents arms. Why is a married man like a candle? Because he sometimes goes out at night when he oughtn't to. What sort of men are most above board in their movements? Chessmen. What is the oldest tree in America? The elder tree. What contains more feet in winter than in summer? A skating rink. What flowers are there between a lady's nose and chin? Two-lips. Why are stout gentlemen prone to melancholy? Because they are men of size. (sighs.) What is the best plan to prevent crying out when your tooth is extracted? Hold your jaw. What table has not a leg to stand upon? The multiplication table. While passing a house in Virginia, two strangers observed a very peculiar chimney, unfinished, and it attracted their attention; they asked a flaxen-haired urchin standing near the house if it "drawed well," whereupon the aforesaid urchin replied: "Yes, it draws the attention of all fools that pass this road." 66 "I resort to wine to stimulate my wits," said a young spendthrift to an old one. "Ah!" replied the veteran, "that is the way I began; but now I have to resort to my wits to get my wine." After the clergyman had united a pair, not long ago, an awful silence ensued, which was broken by an impatient youth, who exclaimed: "Don't be so unspeakably happy!" An advertising tallow-chandler modestly announces that, without intending any disparagement to the sun, he may confidently assert that his octagonal spermaceti is the best light ever invented. A French barber's sign read thus: "To-morrow the public will be shaved gratuitously." Of course it is always to-mor row. An alderman having feasted Theodore Hook to repletion, and still insisting upon his partaking of another course, he facetiously replied :—“I thank you, but if it is all the same to you, I'll take the rest in money." A printer out West, whose office is half a mile from any other building, and who hangs his sign on the limb of a tree, advertised for an apprentice. He says, “A boy from the country preferred." A Western girl likes to make bread because it cleans her hands so beautifully. A bachelor editor who has a pretty sister, recently wrote to another bachelor equally fortunate, " Please exchange." Brown, while looking at a skeleton of a donkey, made a very natural quotation: "Ah," said he, "we are fearfully and wonderfully made." In a hotel in Washington, they have a room which is lighted only by the key-hole of another room. "Recollect, sir," said a hotel-keeper to a gentleman who was about leaving his house without paying his reckoning, "recollect, sir, if you lose your purse, you didn't pull it out here." A witness in court, being asked his profession, said that he was a shoemaker, but that he kept a wine and liquor store, besides. "Then, I suppose," said the counsel, “you are what may be called a sherry-cobbler?" "You had better ask for manners than money," said a finely-dressed gentleman to a beggar-boy, who had asked for alms. “I asked for what I thought you had the most of," was the boy's reply. "O Charley," said a little fellow to another, "we are going to have a cupola on our house!" "Pooh! that's nothing," rejoined the other; "pa's going to get a mortgage on ours." After a long period of wet weather, when the Chinese have prayed vainly for relief, they put the gods out in the rain to see how they like it. A man with a modest appetite dined at a hotel; after eating the whole of a young pig, he was asked if he would have some pudding. He said he didn't care much about pudding, but if they had another little hog he would be thankful for it. An attorney, on being called to account for having acted unprofessionally in taking less than the usual fees from his client, pleaded that he had taken all the man had; he was thereupon honorably acquitted. Rev. Mr. Parker, who for many years preached at the floating Episcopal church in New York, was one day asked by an acquaintance, "Mr. Parker, is your church High or Low church?" "That, sir, depends entirely upon the tide," was the neat response. SUPPLEMENT TO One Hundred Choice Selections, No. 16 CONTAINING SENTIMENTS For Public Occasions; WITTICISMS For Home Enjoyment; LIFE THOUGHTS For Private Reflection; FUNNY SAYINGS For Social Pastime, &c. He who is most slow in making a promise is the most faithful in its performance. Most wretched men Are cradled into poetry by wrong; Rousseau. They learn in sorrow what they teach in song. Shelley. There are few defects in our nature so glaring as not to be veiled from observation by politeness and good breeding. Stanislaus. Poverty eclipses the brightest virtues, and is the very sepulchre of brave designs, depriving a man of the means to accomplish what Nature has fitted him for, aud stifling the noblest thoughts in their embryo. Power will intoxicate the best hearts, as wine the best heads. Colton. Who feels no ills, Should therefore fear them; and when Fortune smiles Sophocles. Men are born with two eyes, but with one tongue, in order that they should see twice as much as they speak. Colton. Things taken from the pinions of one goose are used to spread the opinions of another. In this world, full often, our joys are only the tender shadows which our sorrows cast. Beecher. Recreation is intended to the mind, as whetting to the scythe, to sharpen the edge of it, which otherwise would grow dull and blunt. He, therefore, that spends his whole time in recreation is ever whetting, never mowing; as, contrarily, he that always toils and never recreates is ever mowing, never whetting, laboring much to little purpose. As good no scythe as no edge. Bishop Hall. The shadows of the mind are like those of the body. In the morning of life they all lie behind us; at noon we trample them under foot, and in the evening they stretch long, broad and deepening before us. Longfellow. The wild force of genius has often been fated by Nature to be finally overcome by quiet strength. The volcano sends up its red bolt with terrific force, as if it would strike the stars, but the calm, resistless hand of gravitation seizes it and brings it to the earth. Bayne. When a man is wrong and won't admit it, he always gets angry. Haliburton. A miser grows rich by seeming poor; an extravagant man grows poor by seeming rich. The conqueror is regarded with awe, the mands our esteem, but it is the benevolent our affections. Shenstone. wise man comman who wins There are three modes of bearing the ills of life: by indifference, which is the most common; by philosophy, which is the most ostentatious; and by religion, which is the most effectual. A week filled up with selfishness, and the Sabbath stuffed full of religious exercises, will make a good Pharisee, but a poor Christian. There are many persons who think Sunday is a sponge with which to wipe out the sins of the week. Now, God's altar stands from Sunday to Sunday, and the seventh day is no more for religion than any other. It is for rest. The whole seven are for religion, and one of them for rest. Beecher. Silence is the safest course for any man to adopt who mistrusts himself. La Rochefoucauld. He is a fool who cannot be angry, but he is a wise man who will not. |