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deroient pour l'assurer qu'ils se conformeroient à ses ordres.
Maupertuis faisoit instruire un perroquet par son laquais, et vouloit qu'on lui apprit des mots extraordinaires. Depuis deux ans le laquais, enseignoit à l'animal à dire monomotapa, et le perroquet n'en disoit que des syllabes séparées. Maupertuis faisoit des reproches au laquais; “Oh, monsieur,” dit celui-ci, “ cela ne vas pas si vite ; je lui ai d'abord appris mo et puis no."
« Vous êtes un bête,” dit Maupertuis, « il faut lui dire le mot entier." Monsieur,” reprend le laquais, “il faut lui donner le temps de comprendre."
Il y a en Italien une lettre pleine de spropositi assez plaisans. Un homme écrit à son ami, “ Abbiamo avuto un famosissimo tremmoto che se per la misericordia de Dio avesse durato una mezza hora di piu, saremmo tutti andati al paradiso che Dio ce ne liberi. Vi mando quatordici peri e sono tutti boni christiani. A questa fiera i porci sono saliti al cielo. O ricevete, o non ricevete questa, datemene ariso."
NOBLE SCIENCE OF SELF-JUSTIFICATION.
“For which an eloquence that aims to vex,
With native tropes of anger arms the sex.”-Parnell.
ENDOWED, as the fair sex indisputably are, with a natural genius for the invaluable art of self-justification, it may not be displeasing to them to see its rising perfection evinced by an attempt to reduce it to a science. Possessed, as are all the fair daughters of Eve, of an hereditary propensity, transmitted to them undiminished through succeeding generations, to be “ soon moved with slightest touch of blame ;' very little precept and practice will confirm them in the habit, and instruct them in all the maxims, of self-justification.
Candid pupil, you will readily accede to my first and fundamental axiom—that a lady can do no wrong.
But simple as this maxim may appear, and suited to the level of the meanest capacity, the talent of applying it on all the important, but more especially on all the most trivial, occurrences of domestic life, so as to secure private peace and public dominion, has hitherto been monopolized by the female adepts in the art of self-justification.
Excuse me for insinuating by this expression, that there may yet be amongst you some novices.
To these, if any such, I principally address myself.
And now, lest fired with ambition you lose all by aiming at too much, let me explain and limit my first principle, “ That
you can do no wrong.” You must be aware that real perfection is beyond the reach of mortals, nor would I have you aim at it; indeed it is not in any degree necessary to our purpose. You have heard of the established belief in the infallibility of the sovereign pontiff, which prevailed not many centuries ago :
:-if man allowed to be infallible, I see no reason why the same privilege should not be extended to woman ; but times have changed ; and since the happy age of credulity is past, leave the opinions of men to their natural perversity—their actions are the best test of their faith. Instead then of a belief in your infallibility, endeavour to enforce implicit submission to your authority. This will give you infinitely less trouble, and will answer your purpose as well.
Right and wrong, if we go to the foundation of things, are, as casuists tell us, really words of very dubious signification, perpetually varying with custom and fashion, and to be adjusted ultimately by no other standards but opinion and force. Obtain power, then, by all means; power is the law of man; make
But to return from a frivolous disquisition about right, let me teach you the art of defending the
wrong. After having thus pointed out to you the glorious end of your labours, I must now instruct you in the equally glorious means.
For the advantage of my subject I address myself chiefly to married ladies; but those who have not as yet the good fortune to have that common enemy, a husband, to combat, may in the mean time practise my precepts upon their fathers, brothers, and female friends ; with caution, however, lest by discovering their arms too soon, they preclude themselves from the power of using them to the fullest advantage hereafter. I therefore recommend it to them to prefer, with a philosophical moderation, the future to the present.
Timid brides, you have, probably, hitherto been addressed as angels. Prepare for the time when you shall again become mortal. Take the alarm at the first approach of blame ; at the first hint of a discovery that you are any thing less than infallible : -contradict, debate, justify, recriminate, rage, weep, swoon, do any thing but yield to conviction.
I take it for granted that you have already acquired sufficient command of voice ; you need not study its compass ; going beyond its pitch has a peculiarly happy effect upon some occasions. But are you voluble enough to drown all sense in a torrent of words ? Can you be loud enough to overpower the voice of all who shall attempt to interrupt or contradict you? Are you mistress of the petulant, the peevish, and the sullen tone? tised the sharpness which provokes retort, and the
Have you prac