words assail him in hordes, and in a flash he is down among them, overborne and fighting for his life. Mr. Lee finds that millionaires are bound down and tethered and stifled by their limousines and coupons and factories and vast estates. But Mr. Lee himself, who is a millionaire and landed proprietor of ideas, is equally the slave of his thronging words. They cluster about him like barnacles, nobly and picturesquely impeding his progress. He is a Laocoon wrestling with serpentine sentences. He ought to be confined to an eight-hour paragraph. All this is not so by the way as you think. For if the poet is one who has lost control of his thoughts, the hay fever sufferer has lost control of his nose. His mucous membrane acts like a packet of Roman candles, and who is he to say it nay? And our village is bounded on the north by goldenrod, on the south by ragweed, on the east by chickweed, and on the west by a sleepless night. I would fain treat pollinasis in the way Mr. Lee might discuss it, but that is impossible. Those prolate, sagging spirals of thought, those grapevine twists of irremediable whim, that mind shimmering like a poplar tree in sun and windjetting and spouting like plumbing after a freezeup-'tis beyond me. I fancy that if Mr. Lee were in bed, and the sheets were untucked at his feet, he could spin himself so iridescent and dovethroated and opaline a philosophy of the desirability of sleeping with cold feet, that either (1) he would not need to get out of bed to rearrange the bedclothes, or (2) he could persuade someone else to do it for him. Think, then, what he could do for hay fever! And as Dr. Crothers said, when you mix what you think with what you think you think, effervescence of that kind always results. APPENDIX SUGGESTIONS FOR TEACHERS THIS book will be found exceedingly valuable for classroom use by teachers of theology, hydraulics, and applied engineering. It is recommended that it be introduced to students before their minds have become hardened, clotted, and skeptical. The author does not hold himself responsible for any of the statements in the book, and reserves the right to disavow any or all of them under intellectual pressure. For a rapid quiz, the following suggested topics will be found valuable for classroom consideration: 1. Do you discern any evidences of sincerity and serious moral purpose in this book? 2. Why was fifty dollars a week not enough for Mr. Kenneth Stockton to live on? Explain three ways in which he augmented his income. 5. What is a "colyumist"? Give one notorious example. 4. Comment on Don Marquis's attitude toward (a) vers libre poets (b) beefsteak and onions (c) the cut of his trousers (Explain in detail) 5. Who is Robert Cortes Holliday, and for what is he notable? 6. Where was Vachel Lindsay fumigated, and why? 7. Who is "The Head of the Firm"? 8. How much money did the author spend on cider in July, 1911? 9. Who was Denis Dulcet, and what did he die of? 10. When did William McFee live in Nutley, and why? 11. How are the works of Harold Bell Wright most useful in Kings, Long Island? 12. Where is Strychnine, and what makes it so fascinating to the tourist? Explain (a) The Gin Palace (b) Kurdmeister (c) unedifying Zollverein 13. What time did Mr. Simmons get home? 14. What is a "rarefied and azure-pedalled precinct?" Give three examples. 15. Who are the Dioscuri of Seamen, and what do they 16. How many pipes a day do sensible men smoke? Describe the ideal conditions for a morning pipe. 17. When did Mr. Blackwell light the furnace? 18. Name four American writers who are stout enough to be a credit to the profession. 19. "The fumes of the hearty butcher's evening meal ascend the stair in vain." Explain this. Who was the butcher? Why "in vain"? 20. In what order of the Animal Kingdom does Mr. Pearsall Smith classify himself? 21. "I hope he fell on the third rail." Explain, and give the context. Who was "he," and why did he deserve this fate? 22. Who was "Mr. Loomis," and why did he leave his clothes lying about the floor? 23. What are the Poetry Society dinners doing to Vachel Lindsay? 24. Why should the Literary Pawnbroker be on his guard against Mr. Richard Le Gallienne? 25. What is the American House of Lords? Who are "our prosperous carnivora"? Why do they wear white margins inside their waistcoats? 26. What is minestrone? Name three ingredients. 27. What are "publisher's readers," and why do they smoke pipes? 28. What was the preacher's advice to George Fox? 29. Give three reasons why Mr. Gerald Stanley Lee will not like this book. 30. Why should one wish to grasp Drs. Oppenheimer and Gottlieb by the hand? 81. In respect of Mr. Gerald Stanley Lee, comment briefly on these phrases: (a) beclotted, bedazzled, and bedrunken with syllables (b) the meanest toothbrush that bristles (c) Scawfell become Mount Tom FINIS CORONAT OPUS |