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stance, that the first insurrection in South Carolina was against the aristocraucal scheme of the Proprietary Government. I do not find that the cuticular aristocracy of the South has added anything to the refinements of civilization except the carrying of bowieknives and the chewing of tobacco, a high-toned Southern gentleman being commonly not only quadrumanous, but quidruminant.
I confess that the present letter of Mr. Sawin increases my doubts as to the sincerity of the convictions which he professes, and I am inclined to think that the triumph of the legitimate Government, sure sooner or later to take place, will find him and a large majority of his newly adopted fellow-citizens (who hold with Daedalus, the primal sitter-on-the-fence, that medium tenere tutissimum) original Union men.
The criticisms towards the close of his letter on certain of our failings are worthy to be seriously perpended; for he is not, as I think, without a spice of vulgar shrewdness. Fas est et ab hoste doceri: there is no reckoning without your host. As to the good-nature in us which he seems to gird at, while I would not consecrate a chapel, as they have not scrupled to do in France, to Notre Dame de la Haine (Our Lady of Hate), yet I cannot forget that the corruption of good-nature is the generation of laxity of principle. Good-nature is our national characteristick; and though it be, perhaps, nothing more than a culpable weakness or cowardice, when it leads us to put up tamely with manifold impositions and breaches of implied contracts, (as too frequently in our publick conveyances,) it becomes a positive crime, when it leads us to look unresentfully on peculation, and to regard treason to the best Government that ever existed as something with which a gentleman may shake hands without soiling his fingers. I do not think the gallows-tree the most profitable member of our Sylva; but, since it continues to be planted, I would fain see a Northern limb ingrafted on it, that it may bear some other fruit than loyal Tennesseeans.
A relick has recently been discovered on the east bank of Bushy Brook in North Jaalam, which I conceive to be an inscription in Runick characters relating to the early expedition of the Northmen to this continent. I shall make fuller investigations, and communicate the result in due season. Respectfully,
Your obedient servant,
HOMER WILBUR, A. M.
P. S.-I inclose a year's subscription from Deacon Tinkham.
I HED it on my min' las' time, when I to write ye started,
To tech the leadin' featurs o' my gittin' me convarted;
But, ez my letters hez to go clearn roun' by way o' Cuby,
'T wun't seem no staler now than then, by th' time it gits where you be. You know up North, though secs an' things air plenty ez you please, Ther' warn't nut one on 'em thet come jes' square with my idees :
They all on 'em wuz too much mixed with Covenants o' Works,
An' would hev answered jest ez wal for Afrikins an' Turks,
Fer where's a Christian's privilige an' his rewards ensuin',
Ef't ain't perfessin' right an eend 'thout nary need o' doin'?
I dessay they suit workin'-folks thet ain't noways pertic'lar,
But nut your Southun gen'leman thet keeps his parpendic❜lar;
I don't blame nary man thet casts his lot along o' his folks,
But ef you cal'late to save me, 't must be with folks thet is folks; Cov'nants o' works go 'ginst my grain,
but down here I've found our The true fus'-fem'ly A 1 plan, — here's how it come about.
When I fus' sot up with Miss S., sez she to me, sez she,
"Without you git religion, Sir, the thing can't never be;
Nut but wut I respeck," sez she, "your intellectle part,
But you wun' noways du for me athout a change o' heart:
Nothun religion works wal North, but
it's ez sott ez spruce, Compared to ourn, for keepin' sound," sez she, "upon the goose; A day's experunce 'd prove to ye, ez easy 'z pull a trigger,
It takes the Southun pint o' view to raise ten bales a nigger; You'll fin' thet human natur, South,
ain't wholesome more 'n skin-deep, An' once 't a darkie 's took with it, he
wun't be wuth his keep." "How shell I git it, Ma'am?" sez I. "Attend the nex' camp-meetin'," Sez she," an' it'll come to ye ez cheap ez onbleached sheetin","
Wal, so I went along an' hearn most an impressive sarmon
About besprinklin' Afriky with fourthproof dew o' Harmon:
He did n' put no weaknin' in, but gin it tu us hot,
'Z ef he an' Satan 'd ben two bulls in
one five-acre lot :
I don't purtend to foller him, but give ye jes' the heads;
For pulpit ellerkence, you know, 'most ollers kin' o' spreads. Ham's seed wuz gin to us in chairge, an' should n't we be li'ble In Kingdom Come, ef we kep' back their priv'lege in the Bible? The cusses an' the promerses make one gret chain, an' ef
You snake one link out here, one there, how much on 't ud be lef'? All things wuz gin to man for 's use, his sarvice, an' delight; An' don't the Greek an' Hebrew words thet mean a Man mean White? Ain't it belittlin' the Good Book in all
Than sendin' missionaries out where fevers might defeat 'em,
An' ef the butcher did n' call, their p'rishioners might eat 'em? An' then, agin, wut airthly use? Nor 't warn't our fault, in so fur Ez Yankee skippers would keep on a-totin' on 'em over.
'T improved the whites by savin' 'em from ary need o' wurkin', An' kep' the blacks from bein' lost thru idleness an' shirkin';
We took to 'em ez nat'ral ez a barn-owl doos to mice,
An' hed our hull time on our hands to keep us out o' vice;
It made us feel ez pop'lar ez a hen doos with one chicken,
An' fill our place in Natur's scale by givin' 'em a lickin':
For why should Cæsar git his dues more 'n Juno, Pomp, an' Cuffy? It's justifyin' Ham to spare a nigger when he 's stuffy.
Where'd their soles go tu, like to know, ef we should let 'em ketch Freeknowledgism an' Fourierism an' Speritoolism an' sech?
When Satan sets himself to work to raise his very bes' muss,
He scatters roun' onscriptur❜l views relatin' to Ones'mus.
You'd ough' to seen, though, how his facs an' argymunce an' figgers. Drawed tears o' real conviction from a
lot o' pen'tent niggers!
It warn't like Wilbur's meetin', where you 're shet up in a pew, Your dickeys sorrin' off your ears, an' bilin' to be thru ;
Ther' wuz a tent clost by thet hed a kag o' sunthin' in it,
Where you could go, ef you wuz dry,
an' damp ye in a minute; An' ef you did dror off a spell, ther wuz n't no occasion
To lose the thread, because, ye see, he bellered like all Bashan. It's dry work follerin' argymunce an' so, 'twix' this an' thet,
I felt conviction weighin' down somehow inside my hat;
It growed an' growed like Jonah's gourd, a kin' o' whirlin' ketched me.
Ontil I fin❜ly clean giv out an' owned up thet he'd fetched me; An' when nine tenths o' th' perrish took to tumblin' roun' an' hollerin',
I did n' fin' no gret in th' way o' turnin' tu an' follerin'.
Soon ez Miss S. see thet, sez she,
"Thet's wut I call wuth seein' ! Thet's actin' like a reas'nable an' intellectle bein'!"
An' so we fin❜lly made it up, concluded to hitch hosses,
An' here I be 'n my ellermunt among
Arter I'd drawed sech heaps o' blanks,
This leads me to another pint on
which I've changed my plan O' thinkin' so 's't I might become a straight-out Southun man. Miss S. (her maiden name wuz Higgs, o' the fus' fem❜ly here)
On her Ma's side 's all Juggernot, on
Pa's all Cavileer,
An' sence I've merried into her an' stept into her shoes,
It ain't more 'n nateral thet I should modderfy my views :
I've ben a-readin' in Debow ontil I 've fairly gut
So 'nlightened thet I'd full ez lives ha' ben a Dook ez nut; An' when we've laid ye all out stiff, an' Jeff hez gut his crown, An' comes to pick his nobles out, wun't this child be in town! We'll hev an Age o' Chivverlry surpassin' Mister Burke's, Where every fem'ly is fus'-best an' nary white man works: Our system's sech, the thing 'll root ez easy ez a tater;
For while your lords in furrin parts ain't noways marked by natur', Nor sot apart from ornery folks in featurs nor in figgers,
Ef ourn'll keep their faces washed, you'll know 'em from their niggers. Ain't sech things wuth secedin' for, an' gittin'
Thet waller in your low idees, an' will till all is blue?
Fact is, we air a diff'rent race, an' I, tor one, don't see,
Sech havin' ollers beu the case, how w' ever did agree.
It's sunthin' thet you lab'rin'-folks up North hed ough' to think on, Thet Higgses can't bemean themselves to rulin' by a Lincoln, Thet men, (an' guv'nors, tu, thet hez sech Normal names ez Pickens, Accustomed to no kin' o' work, 'thout
't is to givin' lickins,
Can't masure votes with folks thet get their livins from their farms, An' prob'ly think thet Law's ez good ez hevin' coats o' arms. Sence I've ben here, I 've hired a chap to look about for me
To git me a transplantable an' thrifty fem❜ly-tree,
An' he tells me the Sawins is ez much o' Normal blood
Ez Pickens an' the rest on 'em, an' older 'n Noah's flood.
Your Normal schools wun't turn ye into Normals, for it's clear, Ef eddykatin' done the thing, they'd be some skurcer here. Pickenses, Boggses, Pettuses, Magoifins, Letchers, Poiks,
Where can you scare up names like
them among your mudsill folks? Ther' 's nothin' to compare with 'em,
you'd fin', ef you should glance, Among the tip-top femerlies in Englan', nor in France:
I've hearn from 'sponsible men whose
word wuzfull ez good's their note, Men thet can run their face for drinks, an' keep a Sunday coat, Thet they wuz all on 'em come down, and come down pooty fur, From folks thet, 'thout their crowns wuz
on, ou' doors would n' never stir, Nor thet ther' warn't a Southun man but wut wuz primy fashy
O the bes' blood in Europe, yis, an' Afriky an' Ashy:
Sech bein' the case, is 't likely we should bend like cotton-wickin',
Or set down under anythin' so low-lived ez a lickin'?
More 'n this, -hain't we the literatoor
an' science, tu, by gorry? Hain't we them intellectle twins, them giants, Simms an' Maury, Each with full twice the ushle brains, like nothin' thet I know, 'Thout 't wuz a double-headed calf I see once to a show?
For all thet, I warn't jest at fust in favor o' secedin';
I wuz for layin' low a spell to find out where 't wuz leadin', For hevin' South-Carliny try her hand at sepritnationin',
She takin' resks an' findin' funds, an' we co-operationin',
I mean a kin' o' hangin' roun' an' settin' on the fence,
Till Prov'dunce pinted how to jump an' save the most expense;
I recollected thet 'ere mine o' lead to Shiraz Centre
Thet bust up Jabez Pettibone, an' did n't want to ventur'
'Fore I wuz sartin wut come out ud pay for wut went in,
For swappin' silver off for lead ain't the sure way to win ;
(An', fact, it doos look now ez though but folks must live an' larn We should git lead, an' more 'n we want, out o' the Old Consarn ;) But when I see a man so wise an' honest ez Buchanan
A-lettin' us hev all the forts an' all the arms an' cannon, Admittin' we wuz nat'lly right an you wuz nat❜lly wrong,
Coz you wuz lab'rin'-folks an' we wuz wut they call bong-tong, An' coz there warn't no fight in ye more 'n in a mashed potater, While two o' us can't skurcely meet
but wut we fight by natur', An' th' ain't a bar-room here would pay for openin' on 't a night, Without it giv the priverlege o' bein' shot at sight,
Which proves we 're Natur's noblemen, with whom it don't surprise The British aristoxy should feel boun' to sympathize, Seein' all this, an' seein', tu, the thing wuz strikin' roots
While Uncle Sam sot still in hopes thet some one 'd bring his boots, I thought th' ole Union's hoops wuz off, an' let myself be sucked in To rise a peg an' jine the crowd thet went for reconstructin', — Thet is, to hev the pardnership under th' ole name continner
Jest ez it wuz, we drorrin' pay, you findin' bone an' sinner,
On'y to put it in the bond, an' enter 't in the journals,
Thet you're the nat'ral rank an' file, an' we the natʼral kurnels.
Now this I thought a fees'ble plan, thet 'ud work smooth ez grease, Suitin' the Nineteenth Century an' Upper Ten idees,
An' there I meant to stick, an' so did most o' th' leaders, tu,
Coz we all thought the chance wuz good o' puttin' on it thru ;
But Jeff he hit upon a way o' helpin' on us forrard
By bein' unannermous,
a trick you ain't quite up to, Norrard. A baldin hain't no more 'f a chance with them new apple-corers Than folks's oppersition views aginst the Ringtail Roarers;
They'll take 'em out on him 'bout east, one canter on a rail
Makes a man feel unannermous ez Jonah in the whale ;
Or ef he's a slow-moulded cuss thet can't seem quite t' agree, He gits the noose by tellergraph upon the nighes' tree:
Their mission-work with Afrikins hez put 'em up, thet 's sartin,
To all the mos' across-lot ways o'
Thet cairs conviction to the min' like
Thet (ez an owl by daylight 'mongst a flock o' teazin' chirpers
Sees clearer 'n mud the wickedness of eatin' little birds)
I see my error an' agreed to shen it arterwurds:
An' I should say, (to jedge our folks by
facs in my possession,) Thet three's Unannermous where one's a 'Riginal Secession;
So it's a thing you fellers North may safely bet your chink on, Thet we're all water-proofed agin th' usurpin' reign o' Lincoln.
Jeff's some. He's gut another plan
thet hez pertic'lar merits,
In givin' things a cherfle look an' stiffnin' loose-hung sperits; For while your million papers, wut with lyin' an' discussin',
Keep folks's tempers all on eend a-fumin' an' a-fussin', A-wondrin' this an' guessin' thet, an' dreadin' every night,
The breechin' o' the Univarse 'll break afore it 's light,
Our papers don't purtend to print on'y wut Guv'ment choose,
An' thet insures us all to git the very best o' noose:
Jeff hez it of all sorts an' kines, an' sarves it out ez wanted,
So 's 't every man gits wut he likes an'
nobody ain't scanted; Sometimes it's vict'ries, (they're 'bout
all ther' is that 's cheap down here,) Sometimes it's France an' England on the jump to interfere.
Fact is, the less the people know o' wut ther' is a-doin',
The hendier 't is for Guv'ment, sence it henders trouble brewin'; An' noose is like a shinplaster, — it's good, ef you believe it,
Or, wut's all same, the other man thet 's goin' to receive it :
Ef you've a son in th' army, wy, it's comfortin' to hear
He'll hev no gretter resk to run than seein' th' in'my's rear,
Coz, ef an F. F. looks at 'em, they ollers break an' run,
Or wilt right down ez debtors will thet stumble on a dun
(An' this, ef an'thin', proves the wuth o' proper fem❜ly príde,
Fer sech mean shucks ez creditors are all on Lincoln's side);
I hev scrip thet wun't go off no more 'n a Beigin rifle,
An' read thet it 's at par on 'Change, it makes me feel deli'fle;
It's cheerin', tu, where every man mus' fortify his bed,
To hear thet Freedom's the one thing
Ther''s nothin' like a powder-cask fr a stiddy corner-stone;
Ain't it ez good ez nuts, when salt is sellin' by the ounce
For its own weight in Treash'ry-bons, (ef bought in small amounts,) When even whiskey's gittin' skurce an' sugar can't be found,
To know thet all the ellerments o' luxury abound?
An' don't it glorify sal'-pork, to come to understand
It's wut the Richmon' editors call fatness o' the land!
Nex' thing to knowin' you're well off is nut to know when y' ain't; An' ef Jeff says all 's goin' wal, who'll ventur' t' say it ain't?
This cairn the Constitooshun roun' ez Jeff doos in his hat
Is hendier a dreffle sight, an' comes more kin' o' pat.
I tell ye wut, my jedgment is you're pooty sure to fail,
Ez long 'z the head keeps turnin' back for counsel to the tail:
Th' advantiges of our consarn for bein' prompt air gret,
While, 'long o' Congress, you can't strike, 'f you git an iron het; They bother roun' with argooin', an' var'ous sorts o' foolin',
To make sure ef it 's leg'lly het, an' all the while it's coolin',
So's 't when you come to strike, it ain't
no gret to wish ye j'y on,
An' hurts the hammer 'z much or more ez wut it doos the iron, Jeff don't allow no jawin'-sprees for three months at a stretch, Knowin' the ears long speeches suits
air mostly made to metch; He jes' ropes in your tonguey chaps an' reg'lar ten-inch bores An' lets play at Congress, ef they 'U du it th closed doors;